Accepted and Rejected

I am employed! Properly employed! I will be working with the Edinburgh branch of Regent, one of the Uks biggest ESL schools, as their acommodation and welfare officer (placing students with homestay families, in hotels, sorting out welfare issues etc). I am excited beyond belief, and hugely relieved too. I can't wait to see where this could take me. I'll be working in Edinburgh's West End (no theatres, but lots of offices, banks, and suits) Mon-Fri, 9-5. Means I can plan my life again (shift work really doesn't do it for me), and know that I'll always have my weekends free. it's so nice to know that in 2007, I'll finally be living my life. Australia WILL still happen for me, either in '07 or '08, but for now, I want to concentrate on having fun again instead of worrying so about the future, and missing the past.

On the other hand, I heard yesterday that I got an outright rejection from Moray House for the teacher training course! It doesn't really bother me, it wasn't what I really wanted. But I did hope I'd get an interview. I have good experience with children, and I know I got a good refernce from Heinz. Some things aren't to be, and this, I think, was one of them.

It's Christmas Eve. I'm going to go round to our local for a drink with my family and some family friends soon. I wanted to go to Midnight Mass, but our minister has gone to give it at another church a car ride away, which isn't an option for me. And sadly, my exhausted, diseased body (bad cold) insisted on a long lie this morning, so I missed the usual Sunday service. I WILL get to church one day soon, I just really wanted it to be the Watch Night Service.

I hope that all of you, wherever you are, are with people you love, and who love you, and that you are warm, safe and happy. Have a wonderful Christmas, and be thankful for what you have. I'll leave you now with my warmest wishes for you and yours. Merry Christmas!

Second Chances

After having the first interview for the ESL school job (as accomodation and welfare officer), I was convinced that, although I hadn't answered anything badly, I didn't really makle myself stand out. I had all but chalked the episode up to experience, and was ready to move on.

Not so fast there, sport! I got a call from the school's principal this morning inviting me back for a second interview. Somewhat unexpected, but it certainly made me smile! It's 9.30am GMT this coming Wednesday, so please keep it all crossed for me!

I'm just finishing a lovely three day weekend. On Saturday, I went into town and finally got some Christmas shopping done. I still have a worrying amount to get though. I also met Rona for a Breakfast Club showing of the Goonies at my favourite cinema, the Cameo. I love that film! The actual reel of film was so old, it jumped around a lot, it was full of cigarette burns, and at one point, we were even watching it upside down. That just added to the 'natsukashii' feeling though! Saturday night was the Gap Xmas night out, and we went to a Mexican restaurant, the Tiajuana Yacht Club. I've had better Mexican food, it must be said, but I had a riot sitting with Craig, Louise and Sarah. We never stopped laughing, mostly at Craig who is a proper comedian, and I awoke on Sunday with a hoarse throat.

Sunday was a relaxing day of visiting my newly-hipped Gran, then me and dad took a walk up to Gladhouse resevoir. It was a beautiful clear and freezing day. We came home to find Mum had finished putting up the Christmas decorations.

Today has been the usual blend of chatting to friends online, washing my clothes, and trying to do a little around the house. Back to work tomorrow, and only a week til Xmas to go! I'm not that excited, really, but it's nice to have something coming up where I get to hang with my family, and eat lots of good food.

If I don't write again til after Christmas, I wish you all a very happy holiday, and I truly hope to catch up with you all in 2007.

Finnish Love

It's been a while. I guess things don't seem so vivid and memorable as they did overseas. The trick is trying to remind myself that they really ARE.

A few things have happened. I am enjoying Gap. It's mindless, it's easy, once you know what you're doing, and there's a certain perverse pleasure to be taken from meeting your sales target for a day. It's also nice to be speaking to people my own age, and finding out what's going on in Edinburgh. Polish people rock. We have two working with us, and they are really cool, easy to get along with, and smile endlessly.

David didn't get into the army. This is a blow for all concerned. It sucks to high heaven for him, as now he has to wait another 6 months to go through the whole damn thing again, and in the meantime, has to find a job to keep himself going. And it's looking horribly like he might need to return to Starbucks. It sucks for me, because now there is no date in sight for me getting my own apartment back, as that's where the boy is living. I have no intention of kicking him out, but at the same time, both myself and my parents realise that me living at home for another 6 months will likely drive all of us mad. So words need to be had to come up with some sort of solution.

I met Katja the other week! Katja is a Finnish friend from the heady days of Uni, and together, we were going to change the face of acadaemia. Well, life got in the way of that little idea, but we remained in patchy contact whilst I was in Japon, and then she finally came up to Ed last week with her lovely French boyfriend Laurant and his friend Benoit. We spent a glorious Edinburgh afternoon holed up in the Baillie drinking beer and chewing the fat. It was really great to catch up with her again, and I only wished we lived closer.

I received a wonderful letter from dear James, he of the beard who played rugby and ultimate at various competitions with us, now somewhere in the Australian bush, riding in helicopters and putting fires out. He sent along some snaps of his farm, and I am resolved to getting out to that country really soon. It looks wonderful.

I have my first real job interview coming up! I am so excited, but trying not to get too worked up. It's for an Edinburgh ESL school, working as an accomodation and welfare officer for the students. Woo hoo! I am just glad that finally someone saw my CV as being somehow relevant to what they are looking for. I haven't had interviews for anything apart from shops since my return, so I know that this job might not happen, but it's a real boost for me to finally see some results coming from my experience.

I submitted my application to Moray House College, the teacher training school in Edinburgh. It's not what I want to do. Of that, I am pretty certain. I will go through with the application process, and, should I get an interview, I will try my very best. But the more I think on it, the more I realise that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. It's a bit of a conundrum, really, because that degreee would be a great way into Australia. But even then, I'd still be tied to teaching. James is urging me to simply take a year off and go on a working visa, see the country, and take it from there. It's a great plan in theory, but the thought of putting life off for yet another year is not one that sits easily in my mind, though it does have its attractions.

Mummy's off to Dublin next weekend for a shopping trip with my aunt. That leaves me and Dad with the rule of the roost. I think he's going to make monkfish tails in balckbean sauce one night for us (a first for me), and I think I'll do curry soup with lots of naan the other night.

Christmas is just around the corner. Madness. I picture where I was this time last year. I try to imagine where I'll be this time next year. Not knowing is exciting, but also pretty frustrating. I thought I was good at being a free spirit, and just letting it all wash over me, but actually, I'm not. I have this impatience to know what's coming next, and to see people and places that sitting back and letting it all happen is like proverbial nails on a board...

Love you all!

You are not your Gap khakis.

Oh yes you are! Holy crap, could I be anymore of a corporate whore??! I don't think so. After 4 years in Starbucks, I have now aligned myself with clothes giant Gap. If only for a few weeks. Yes, dear readers, the only place that sees me fit to employ is Gap. And that's ok for now at least. It means I can buy Xmas presents, and it means I stave off serious money issues for at least a few weeks. The job is only temporary for now, but there is the chance of me being kept on. And if that falls through... well, I know of a few Starbucks stores needing some workers... :(

It's been a quiet old life the past week or so. The job is the biggest news. But I did go out with Jillsty on Friday night for the first Japanese food I've had since my return. I was like a kid in sweet shop! Then we went for drinks, and were like the three withes from Macbeth, cackling away in our corner over old stories. Good times.

So, I am excited to start a new job, meet new people and spend some time away from this damn house. I'll write later.

Low Winter Sun

Being relatively far north means that Edinburgh gets a small amount of almost painful daylight during the winter months. The sun struggles up over the horizon sometime between 7 and 8am, fights its way around the sky, then gives up the ghost and starts going to bed around 3pm. Sometimes it gets to me, other times, like today, it gives the whole area a very ethereal feel, and illuminates the colours of autumn in a beautiful way. It never feels quite like day, and there's a sense of flux, of nothing being permanent.

Today I spoke to Stu over messenger, and it was one of the nicest conversations. He has an unconscious knack, sometimes, of reminding me how much I miss him, and how much he meant (means?) to me. After we signed off, I was left with a peculiar sense of longing (for him? for company in general?). It wasn't entirely unpleasant.

I had an interview with Margaret Hodge recruitment today. It wasn't fruitful. Although it was the best experience of my life, I think JET is hindering me in my search for work. I must return to university. I need to make a choice between a teaching (fees paid, good salary, guarantee of a job, not really what I want to do) and another vocation (pay own fees, no guarantee of work, but chance of finding something I feel good about). Bear in mind that I want to leave Scotland. With a teaching degree, I could pretty much do that straight away. With another vocation, I'd have to probably get a couple years work experience under my belt first. The comments link is below, use it folks! I want to know what you think, if you happen to be reading.

Right now I'm listening to the new Faithless album on MySpace. I find Maxi's voice ever so comforting. It's a great album, I reckon you should go and buy it.

I am reading the famous (in the UK at least) Scotland Street novels by Alexander McColl Smith. They are pretty good, not too challenging yet.

After I am done with Faithless, I shall go downstairs and hang with my parents, and eat some oat, raspberry and white chocolate cookies.

Second Wind

Yus, like Joe, I think it's time for some writing to be done here. Cause I'm lazy, I'm prolly going to do what he did and list.

GOOD THINGS: Keiko coming to visit last week and being truly awed by Edinburgh, reading a book called 'Left Bank', getting exctied about next weekend's trip to Comrie with the family, being told my Margaret Hodge Recruitment that I was a 'star candidate' (see below),

BAD THINGS: Lack of employment, lack of money, lack of social life due to lack of money, indeciveness, boredom.

Last week, I went to a jobs fair at the Corn Exchange in Edinburgh, where I met an ex-JET mow working for recruitment firm Margartet Hodge. She was impressed with my CV, told me not to worry about a thing, and that they'd be in touch. I give them til Thursday, then I'll call them.

Despite being bored, and really not knowing what the hell is going to happen to me, I am feeling pretty ok. I am getting my second wind. There are ways and ways of getting a job, and I think that I just need to go beyond what I thought was necessary to get one. I am not unemployable. I have lots of transferrable skills. I want to work hard, and I want pressure in my life.

But for the last couple of months, I have been missing my snuggle quota by rather a lot. I need a cuddle.

Autumn

It has finally arrived. Last weekend, the trees must have had a whispered Ent-like conference, because they have all decided, at long last, that it's time to turn lots of lovely colours, and shed their leaves. I think autumn is later in starting now than I remember it to be. This late in October, I'd have expected most leaves to be dead, if not shed yet, and maybe even a couple of morning frosts. But they are only just beginning to change colour, and while the mornings are cold, I don't think there have been any frosty ones. Unless I'm lying in bed too late to see it.

I actually did some socialising last week! On Tuesday, I met with Rach, and we had dinner in her apartment (which, by the way, is the coolest loft space I've ever seen). It was great just to sit and chat with her and Jake.

On Saturday, it was Kirsty's man Aly's birthday. The big 3-0. We went to a pub in town, where about 40 of his friends came and wished him a happy birthday. I knew very few people there, and felt a pang of shyness I haven't felt since before I left for Japan, so I pretty much stayed in the same place all night, and spoke to the people I knew. Hope this isn't a sign of things to come. After, they all decided to go out dancing, but I went back to Kirsty and Aly's where I was staying. I just didn't feel like going to one of the local meat-markets and trying to have a good time. Clubbing's fine, but I have be in a spot-on mood for it, and I just wasn't.

On Sunday, I went to ex Tokkers-Jet Rona's flat for lunch with her and her husband Nick. I had a lovely time, and Rona made quite a feast. Nick is now at Moray House, training to become an English teacher, so I made sure to pick his brain well and good. If I'm to go through with this teaching thing, a decision needs to be made really soon. Like before the end of this month. If I decide to do it, I'm looking at two years in Edinburgh, instead of the seven months I had in mind when I came home. That's pretty frightening, and I don't know if I want to spend that much time here. On the other hand, if I were to do that, it'd make immigrating to another country as a skilled worker that much easier.

I had a major Awa Odori pang yesterday. I had a longing to drink beer from a plastic cup while wandering around in my kimono, sharing jokes with the Minoda-ren mob, chewing the fat with Dave, and getting kancho'd from the kids. I even had a longing to see terrible little Keigo.

Jeremy Irons is on 'Who Do You Think You Are?' tonight. I can't wait. I want to drown in his voice!

Return of the Book Worm

When I arrived in Japan, my head was so totally fried after my honours years in Uni that I simply could not read anything for about a year. Pretty bad for someone who had previously lived for books. As time went by, I was able to choke down 'Memoirs of a Geisha', 'Harry Potter', and the wonderful '100 Years of Solitude', plus a few non-fiction titles, but my capacity to concentrate on a book was fairly diminished. Besides which, my life over there was so crazy-busy that I often didn't have the time or energy to read. My life WAS a novel!

But having arrived home, I have found to my total joy that my passion for reading fiction has returned. I've read about four books since coming home, two of them fiction, and I am overjoyed. Right now I'm reading something distinctly trashy and Bridget Jones-eque, but far less annoying. Not exactely brain food, but enjoyable nonetheless. Joe, stop that tutting, you literary snob.

My dream job is still proving elusive, sadly. I was actually offered a job this week, but turned it down. Maybe that constitutes looking the gift horse in the mouth, or cutting off my nose to spite (despite?) my face or something, but it was part-time, didn't sound like a really great job, and wasn't really something I saw myself getting passionate about. So I said no. The hunt continues, with four applications handed in yesterday for various shops in the city centre. Yes shops. Not career jobs, those things take the longest time to apply for that I really need something meantime to give me some money.

I have discovered that the central mosque in Edinburgh serves kick-ass food at lunchtime. I went with friend Alice the other day, and for £4.10, got a massive plate of rice, mild chicken curry, curried vegetables and can of soda. Delicious, and if I was a student, I'd be there every day (it's located right behind George Square, the main Uni campus).

I am going into town with mum and dad tomorrow, for dad is taking us to lunch at my favourite pub, the Bailie. The Bailie is not funky. It is not new. It is not The Place to go. It's dark, with red walls, used to be wonderfully smoky (pre ban era), and a fair lot of over 30s go there. it's in a basement, and in winter, I just love curling up there for an afternoon with friends, to get tipsy and talk about how to save the world. They serve out-of-this-world food, and I can't wait to get some tomorrow.

Yes. In my boredom, all I think about is food. Go on, gimme a job, you know you want to...

My thoughts are still pretty much all over the place. I can't decide whether I want to try to ground myself here for a good while, and allow myself to feel that home IS home again, or if I want to keep imagining myself out of here as soon as possible. There are good and bad things to both. Part of wants nothing more than to get my house back, get a new points card for Canonmills Tesco's, cook for friends, get to liking wine again, and not really looking beyond the cosy confines of the Ed. The other part of me keeps clicking onto friend's blogs in Africa, Canada, the US, Australia and yes of course, Japan, and thinking that THAT out there is where I want to be.

I saw Heinz the other day, and it was so so good to see him. For those not in the know (um pretty much everyone reading, I guess), Heinz was my Uni professor, and I have the biggest amount of respect for him. He once again pleaded with me to come back to the department (I said that it would always be on my mind, but knew that it would be a long long time before I could do that), and then asked me why I didn't just go into teaching. And you know, he's right. Why DON'T I just go into teaching? Well, for one thing, you can't and shouldn't JUST go into teaching. I think to be a teacher, you have to have this thirst for it. I maybe had that at one point, but not now. At least not yet now. But teaching is something I have done, something I can do, and something that, given a proper course in it, I think I could do well. So I guess it's an avenue of thought I have to visit.

I am feeling frustrated with life at the moment, and something needs to change.

On Waste

When reading this, forget things like euthanasia, that's not what I'm talking about.

On Saturday, I met up with an old flat mate of mine that I haven't seen in almost four years. It was great to see him, and hear all his news. He looks happy and healthy and all in all pretty good, so that's great. However, I did hear one sobering piece of news from him that hit home pretty hard.

When we were living together, I got to know some of his friends pretty well. I especially had time for this one guy, let's call him H, who was incredibly friendly, sociable and polite. I found H very easy to talk to, and without getting really close to him, I was always really glad that we were able to be friends. Well, on Saturday, my flate mate had to break it to me that about 18 months ago, H killed himself. He went to the roof of a uni library, floated to the ground, and when he got there, he was dead. I am so so shocked.

Sadly, this is not the first suicide I have had to deal with. Three years ago in January, my uncle hanged himself in his workshop. But when my family broke this news to me on a visit home, shocking as it was, it was easier to handle because they were able to tell me everything I needed to know. With H, it's not like that. My flat mate didn't seem able to talk about it, and I didn't like to further broach a painful subject that he had already dealt with and filed away. Like I say, H and I weren't super close, he was my flate mate's friend. So I somehow didn't feel I had a right to ask as much as I wanted.

When my uncle died, my family were able to relate to me all the sordid details surrounding his death. Horrible as it was, I was able to put the blame somewhere, and try to begin to understand what made him do it (though such questions can never be resolved). With H, there is this big fat "Why?" hanging over it. I can't begin to even speculate how this happy, confidant, wonderful guy went from being so well-adjusted to thinking that the only way things were going to get better was to kill himself. We were never in touch after I left the country, and I wasn't even in touch with the flat mate enough to get to talking about H. So I simply don't know.

What I do know is that I feel angry with him. Suicide is the ultimate in selfishness. I wasn't so close to my uncle. I wasn't close to H. But I can feel nothing but anger and hurt towards them. Until they spoke to every single person in the world that they knew, there was always another way to deal with whatever was going on. Always. I feel sad they are gone. Heartbroken. But also bitter. How dare they take themselves from us like that? Sure, it was their own lives, but what they obviously forgot is that with their life, they touched the lives of others around them. They had no right to decide to sever that in such a way. None.

But what gets me most about all of this is the waste involved. a A total waste of life. This guy, who would have been 23, 24 at the time, and had his whole life ahead of him. He was smart, funny, good-looking, and basically Full of Promise (those who have read Elizabeth Wurtzel's 'Prozac Nation' will get this reference). And now all that potential is gone, just like that. I wonder what he would have gone on to do. Probably he wouldn't have changed the world. Probably he wouldn't have been famous. That stuff doesn't matter. What does matter, is that if he had still been here, he would have still been in touch with people, making them feel good about themselves, making people happy they knew him.

Maybe it was just too much. Maybe he just didn't care anymore. I mean, if he did care, would he have done it?

I'll admit that I am no stranger to harmful thoughts myself. I don't want to go too far into it here, but I've been sad enough to want nothing more than to cause myself actual damage. Something to do with having something physically tangeable and painful to cry over, instead of the stressfulness of what's going on inside your head. But I've never, ever truly wanted to die.

A friend in Japan also recently lost a friend to suicide. I recall her feeling the exact same way I do now. Just totally at a loss as to why someone would do that. I tried to counsel her with the experience of my uncle's death. But then again, I was fortunate enough to know all the details surrounding that. She wasn't, and now neither am I. And it's the saddest, most puzzling and hurtful thing in the world.

This is the most personal thing I have ever written on this blog. I would like to say that I can't imagine any of my closest friends doing that to themselves, but neither would I have said my uncle or H would do it. So you know what? If you ever think about it, don't bother. I won't feel sorry for you. I'll be pissed off with you. Go and find help, for the love of God.

Shuffle shuffle

Hello dear readers, it's been a while since my last riveting post, so I thought I should say something.

The world of employment still eludes me. I heard from eca on Saturday that I wasn't even called to interview for the International Student Advisor's job. Curses uttered, imaginative walls kicked, and frowns worn, but I guess it's ok. After years of saying that I didn't believe in fate, I have decided to stop trying to convince everyone I am Neo-esque in my outlook. To a degree, it's all mapped out, I reckon, so I am thinking that that job simply wasn't for me. I am hoping the one at the Japanese Consulate will be. If not... well, others are in the pipeline too.

I met ex-Tokkers JET Rona on Saturday. It was cool to speak to someone who actually knew what I was talking about, but my head felt like it was going to split me in two, so a couple of times I sat in silence, willing the pain to subside so I could gab some more. Twas not to be though. I hobbled home clutching my head, willing it not to fall off. There will be other opportunities to chat uninhibited, I'm sure.

I had a semi-night out with Kirsty, the twins and Kerry on Friday. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I just can't justify a huge night on the town at the moment. The twins are Emma and Susan, friends of Kirsty's from Uni. Kerry is a mate from school. Good fun and good craic. We got a taxi from Kirsty's up town, and I haven't been in such a girly setting for ages and ages. I'd forgeooten how much a group of girls can gas and bitch when they get together!

Speaking of gassing, last Wednesday saw me standing outside that staple of Edinburgh coffee shops, Elephant and Bagels, waiting to meet Rachel. For those not in the know, Rach is one of my two best mates from Uni, and I hadn't seen her since before I left for Japan. We talked and talked and talked nonstop for two hours. Our emails to each other over the years haven't been particularly regular, but we were able to pick off rght where we left off, and I can't tell you how good that was. Now that she's up here for her masters', I am looking forward to lots of hot chocolates, dinners and just chatting sessions.

I am so so bored right now. I promise that my life (and hence my blogs) will get much more interesting once someone deems me respinsible enough to give me a job. Oh, the plans I have!! And I need to post some pictures soon too!

Still a Dangler at Heart

When I was living in Japan, I always used to get onto my friends and family for saying in their emails that "nothing was happening". Well... they were right. Nothing happens here. So to everyone who I lambasted for not writing me longer emails, I apologise. Life is empty and boring, you were right. ;)

Ok, I don't actually feel that terrible at all. There is plenty to write about, it's just not as obvious as it was in Japan, if you see what I mean.

The other day, David and I went to Alien Rock, our local (ish) climbing wall. I calculated that I hdn't been in about 4-5 years! I have to admit, I was a little nervous about clipping in that first time. What if I hadn't tied in properly? What if I had become a weak pansy who couldn't even pull herself up a grade 4? What if David had forgotten how to belay?! All my worries were, thankfully, unfounded. Tying a figure 8 is as easy now as it was then. I walked up the 4s and even some of the 4+s. David was up to his usual tricks, letting me abseil down to a few inches above the ground, then letting me dangle on the ATC til he felt like letting me down. It was a lot of fun, and although my out-of-condition forearms tired relatively quickly, I am eager to get back down there as soon as I can, and try to get myself up to, and then surpass, the level I climbed at years ago.

The job hunt is still going strong, but the waiting game is killer. My most exciting prospect at the moment is the post of Political and Economic Researcher at the Japanese consulate in Edinburgh. The salary hasn't been decided yet, and as it's not a very high-profile position, it'll likely be peanuts. However, I think I'd be willing to work for peanuts if it meant I could still have some sort of link to Japan. I really need to get something small to keep me going money wise. But the big jobs take such a long time to apply for, that by the time I'm done with those, I am really tired, and just want to have a cup of tea.

My boxes from Japan still haven't arrived. I think they probably have a week or so to go until I can start worrying though. There's nothing hugely important in them, but one does have my winter clothes, and the others contain all those gubbins that remind you of home: the pictures, the CDs, the books, the little wooden Buddha that Anya brought you from Cambodia, that used to act as poker button on Friday nights at your place. Sentimental stuff that you can look at and smile.

My state of mind is much improved, which is great. Being here still feels odd, uncomfortable and cold, but I have regular contact with most of the important people back east, and I feel confident in saying that, unless great big things happen, I won't be here for long. But you know... that consulate job, even if it is mule's work, could lead to good things. That could be the thing that kept me in Edinburgh longer than I am planning now.

Thanks Rona for that heads up, by the way! I emailed you from the JETAA site. Did you get it?

Must Stop Doing This to Myself

Aaargh! Just read Smitha's blog (hey Smitha!) and about how all the westies went for karaoke in Mikamo and had a great night and blah blah blah... definite lurch of the stomach and stinging of the eyes. I really should not keep such a close track of life back in Tokkers, as it will only make life that much harder for me out here. But you know, with nothing on my hands but time at the moment... it's hard to let go.

I had kind of a downer today anyway, so I'll bet that when I am up, I won't feel as inclined to go clicking round blogs of yore. They're all just such good writers, though, and more often than not, it's really good to read what people are up to.

I saw Jane today, which was good. She has a new job lined up, starting next week. Imagine, our wee Jane finally a lawyer! Good for her.

I also saw Pernilla! Oh my oh my, it was SO good to see Perny again! She's sort of as down as me, having just graduated from Glasgow School of Art in Embroidery, but not finding the scene in Glasgow to be really buzzing just now. She's heading back to Malmo next month for a break and to gather her thoughts. She looks great though, in the quirky, unique way that only Pernilla can look great.

Sex and the City day turned out to be a so-so affair. It was good to get out and meet new people, but you know, all these people have families, are in their 30s and live in places like Curry and West Calder, so it's not as if I really networked. And some, who shall remain nameless, are total snobs, even worse than the pseudo-snobbery I put on to piss my friends off. True snobs, and they weren't brought up like that.

I heard from Vivi today too, and that was great! I miss Vivi and her ray of sunshine smile. Man, I am planning a MASSIVE trip around NA, I can tell you. I tried to link to Vivi's new website, but I think my blogger template is really screwed, so intead I'll list it here for now.

Back on the job hunt tomorrow. I wish I could give myself more time to get used to this country again, but I really need an income, and idleness does not become me.

On Being Back Part 1

So I've been back a few days now. Primary reflections of an alien in her own home:

Firstly, this is NOT my home. I am in Roslin (yeah, that place from The Da Vinci Code) at my parents house, which is simply cavernous. Except the folks aren't here. They're in Canada, and I am here with the sweet, batty grandparents. I haven't LIVED here for six years. my room is exactely the way it was when I graduated high school (all suns and moons, Kurt Cobain posters, wind shimes and fairy lights). It's sort of depressing, but sort of comforting. Sort of like returning to the womb.

I went for a walk yesterday in Roslin, and for the first time that I can recall, I didn't see a single person I knew. Where did everyone go? I guess Roslin is an attractive suburb, with good local schools, and has seen an influx of new families. The Chapel is simply crawling with tourists, and there is a big new car park on Crawford's field where we used to go sledging in winter. Sad. Interesting. Progressive.

In doing my washing, it never fails to delight me to see my clothes come out CLEAN, not covered in lint, and smelling nice.

I went to Fopp in Cockburn Street (pronounced Co-burn for all you non-Edinburghites) the other day, and was immediatley transpoted into paroxysms of delight at the sight of all the new non-Jpop music... all sorts of stuff that I wanna share with people everywhere. Some special people are gonna be gettin' some special CDs through the mail in the future.

It is light here until a ridiculous hour at night, meaning I think the night is still young, when it is, in fact, 10pm. Nuts.

I went to Boots today and was BOWLED OVER at the cosmetics on offer. I mean.. where am I supposed to start? I guess it was the same in Japan, but I could easily ignore most of it, given I couldn't understand the packaging. But today, I found myself puzzling over blackhead prevention facial scrub, and deep-down daily facial scrub. Whatever happened to a simple scrub? I went for the daily stuff. Also, I love how in Japan the body lotions have whitener in them, and the ones here have bronzer in them!

I have been pouring over cookery books, planning my first assault on the kitchen. I am ITCHING to do some cooking again.

I saw some cows today and was all sorts of happy over seeing them. They just aren't seen in my part of Japan. These were beautiful big balck and white beasts with soft brown eyes, in a GRASSY field. Divine.

Amyway... just some random observations.

Snow Patrol with Kirsty tomorrow. Lunch with Jill on Saturday. Sex and the City day on Sunday. Glasgow to meet Jane and visit Perny on Monday. Excitement. Miss having a bloke friend on hand...

On Being Back Part 1

Home Is Where the Heart Is.

Hello all. I am back. The day dream hath ended. Now I can no longer cackle in ignorant bliss at the phrase 'income tax'. I made a new friend yesterday called Stephanie, and she is my account manager at RBOS. All of a sudden, I am a grown-up, and I have Stuff To Do.

My last couple of weeks in Japan were busy, stressful, wonderful, sad and unforgettable. I spent a week or so living and working at Happy Raft as General Bitch About the Base, making lunches, serving tea, answering questions and the like. I lived in the guidehouse with Dave, which I doubt even the most hardened of outdoor type dudes would warm to. I mean, if the boys of the house find the toilet too grim to even pee into, how was a girly gonna manage? Well, I didn't, I made do with a bush, and saved the rest for the lovely flusher at the base. Other than the nasty house, the time at the base was.... hard work, exhausting, but a welcome change from being sat at my desk in Miyoshi-chu, wanting to be outside.

On the 9th, Sally arrived. She looked scared. And it took her a while to stop looking scared. But by the time I took my leave of her, she was beginning to relax. She's very different to me, I think, but that's a good thing. It's excellent for the kids to be exposed to all sorts of foreigners.

Obon was exhausting, and emotional, but a lot of fun. Minoda-ren gave me a poster panel of the poster I feature on this year. People cried, and told me to come back next year. The ren has been like a family to me these three years, so bidding them farewell really hurt.

The eikaiwa class gave me a truly wonderful send-off as only they can. Amazing food, entirely too many presents, and a whole lotta love.

Hanna and Kuni were simply wonderful at putting me up, and holding onto my stupid amount of baggage while I was homeless. They really made the whole thing less stressful for me. Looking forward to showing them the same sort of hospitality whenever they come out to Scotland.

My goodbye to Joe was wonderful. We were walking along the street after Awa Odori with the noobs in Tokushima, and he said "I don't want to talk to you anymore Ellie". And I said "That's fine, I don't want to talk to you either". And we didn't, we walked off in opposite directions. It was funny and sweet, because if it hadn't been like that, it would have been messy.

Of course the hardest goodbyes were Dave and Nate. I said goodbye to Nate twice. His Dad was visiting, and on the day of our first goodbye (the final day of dancing too), I spent a wonderful morning with them at the onsen and later on at the beautiful Kurozo marshland between Nishiiya and Ikeda. Nate's Dad is an incredibly warm-hearted, big bear of a man. I took to him immediatley, and was able to see where Nate gets a least some of his traits from. Lovely. They came to see me dance, along with the whole gaggle of Miyoshi-gun noobs, and I was so happy to see familiar faces in the crowds. They drove me home after dancing, after I said goodbye to the ren. And although I didn't cry when I said bye to Nate, I had to go and lock myself in the bathroom to howl for a good 10 minutes when I got into the apartment. Poor Sally must have felt a bit awkward.

Luckily, I got a second goodbye cuddle from Nate a few days later, and I didn't cry this time either. I think cause I was spent from crying so much, but also because he made me feel loved and missed, and somehow that took the edge off.

My goodbye to Dave was, as not as... drawn-out as I had planned. A good thing? It was sad, I cried a heap, told him I loved him, and left not sure if we would ever see eachother again, despite me being so sure we would previously. Tough one. I can't talk about it too much, I am still crying over him not being close to me.

Japan tried to send me off by charging me an extra 8.5,an for excess baggage. I nearly died. A nice man decided to knock it down to 3.5man for me. Screw you Japan, love you Lufthansa man!

I am home, and cold, and not really believeing that I am here to stay. Odd feeling. Need a job, need to get some friends. But I only want Nate and Dave and Joe and Jordan and Jenna and Amber and Tera and Kelly and Anya. And everyone else back in Japan or wherever you are.

Stay tuned, people, it's going to be an interesting time of it.

Sayonara pictures coming as soon as I figure out how to hook my camera (on its last legs) up to Daddy's computer.

I LOVE YOU ALL AND MISS YOU TREMENDOUSLY.

2.5 weeks....

Man, I am so ready to be outta here. I am have telling everyone this, and I am sick of talking about it, so I'll say no more. But yes, that is my feeling.

Things have been cer-azy recently. Mad parties up at Sean's, getting totally floored by a cold, cleaning, packing, seeking out alternative accomodation for when I lose the house, enkais, dancing... yup, with all that, really it's no wonder I got sick.

Sean's party was a blast. Two weeks ago, up at his amazingly renovated house in Higashiiya. It was a very esoteric crowd, it was an odd party, but a good one. Me and Nate smoked cigars. I saw Dave. I felt love for everyone there. I enjoyed the speactacle of seeing Sean get totally wasted. And his ensuing hangover the next day. I also enjoyed swimming in Nate's river the next day with Anya-chan and Nacho himself.

My house looks amazing. It has been gutted. It is clean. It is tidy. And I have SO MUCH stuff to send home. Mum and Dad'll have a fit. Man, I feel like I still have a lot to do. I really would just rather have it all over now.

Not much else to tell, and not any time to tell it in, so you'll just have to wait. :)

School's out for summer!

Yup, that is it. The last farewell speech. The last bunch of flowers (I hope!). Probably not the last tears cried, but hopefully close.

I won't dwell on it all here. It's in my head for now, and I haven't the energy to regurgitate it all yet. I have my final teacher's enkai tonight, which I hope will be a blast, then on holiday for a week, then back for a final few days to sort out the desk and other loose ends, then I am done.

People are away already. Andy left last Friday. Stu on Monday there. Such a strange feeling.

Today, I applied for a job. Eek! As an academic adviser with the Uni of Edinburgh! Sounds right up my street, but the interviews will be held August 7th, and I'm not going to be around for that. So the hope is that I've sold myself well enough to presuade them to wait for me.

Also done some kanji study today.

I haven't much else to write for now. I have the music issue of Nylon magazine, and it's full of cool-sounding new bands. So now I'm going to look for some free MP3s online.

It's raining like a mofo.

Sayonara Weekend

Firstly, thanks to Rona for the comment she posted on my previous entry. Will look out for you at JETAA.

Aaaaah! This weekend. It was really pretty huge. It was happy. It was so very sad. It was relaxing. It was exciting. It was very very.

Friday started with what will probably be the last poker night we'll have. It wasn't as fun as I had expected. We played for too much money, and as a result everyone played very conservartively, and we didn't get much excitement going on. However, I always enjoy my time with Joe, Jordan, Julie and Nate, so from that perspective, it was a good time.

On Saturday, I was met off the stupid-early train by Terlynn and Amber, and we drove aaaall the way down to Ikumi beach, so they could surf, and I could watch, and make sand angels and swim in the ocean. It was an overcast day, but it was good. There's something wonderful about the feel of the sea air in your lungs, your hair going all stiff with salt, wandering around in flip-flops with your skin all sandy, and eating big burgers for lunch after a morning playing hard. It was relaxing in a way I haven't been relaxed in a while.

Saturday night was the Sayonara Party. I had been looking forward to this beause it's the one night of the year when EVERYONE apart from the most hardened recluse comes out. This year, something changed, and while the vast majority of JETs were there, lots weren't and I was quite disappointed. However, the people who were there are ones who have rocked my world this year, so it was all good. First of all I FINALLY got a ride on Noam's motorbike! I was so happy! I never see that Kat, so the first I said when I saw him was "You owe me a ride!". So we went! On the roads surrounding the campground. It was a lot of fun. Noam only had his helmet, so we took it easy. It was exhilirating all the same. On our travels, we spied a massive climbing frame, just begging to be exlored by semi-naked/inebriated JETs. So we went back, grabbed Amber Teralynn and Smitha, changed back into our swimmies (as by this times it was raining), and went to play. Such fun! But I have a well-bruised behind today from going on the damn roller slide.

The party went on as most JET parties do. Rory got too drunk. BJ played some cool tunes. We danced some. Took lots of pictures. Chatted. A bunch of us decided to hit the sack about 11.30pm. And so it was time for my first proper goodbyes.

It hurt a lot. First came Jenna, and I wasn't feeling like I was going to cry at all, since she looked so strong. Then came Amber, who made the mistake of saying "Don't you cry", thus opening the floodgates. And once I started I couldn't stop. It felt so utterly wrong to be saying goodbye to people who mean so much to me, and my head and my heart were all asking me why I was doing this. I had a miserble night, couldn't sleep well, and kept on tearing up. Ugh.

In the morning, it was raining really heavily, but that soon gave way to a blue sky and blazing sunshine. Still feeling down, I had planned on getting home as quickly as possible so I could wallow in self-pity, and get some sleep. But it was really a great day, so I decided to tag along with Nate and Ben who were going climbing in nearby Hiwasa. Teralyn came too, and of course Ben's wife Julia.

It was a wonderfully relaxing afternoon. It was difficult for us girls to get down to the base of the routes the boys wanted to climb, as we were only in flip flops, and the walk called for some proper scrambling. So instead, we clambered up to the top of the cliffs, and secured ourselves a great vantage point. We spent a wonderful three hours or so simply taking in the view of the ocean, watching the boys do their thing (wished to goodness I could have joined in! Oh for my rock boots!), and chatting about all manner of things. It was really a lovely way to spend the day. It was a little overcast, but really warm and breezy, so I am sporting a nice red back today, despite creaming up. Rats.

We then went for dinner at a Canadian burger restaurant, before I headed for the train home. Arriving home at 10.30pm, I was wiped out, emotional, but oddly relaxed.

I simply can't place my feelings now. I am heartbroken that the goodbyes have started, but I also wish they were over already, so that I didn't feel so bad. I think what affected me most on Saturday night was not saying goodbye to people, although that was incredibly painful, but witnessing the way that those who were not leaving were enjoying themselves. For them, Saturday was mostly just another party. I know that they will miss us. But they have a fresh bunch of people coming who will all be equally as special in their own way, and while they'll once in a while maybe think "Gosh, wish Ellie/Amber/Joe was here to enjoy this", they'll be cool, because while we're not there with them, others are. It was hard for me to see friendships growing on Saturday night between people who have a year or two left together knowing that, for the most part, my own friendships with these people have gone as far as they're going to. Even writing that is gut-wrenching. There are one or two people I am leaving, and I so wish I had had more time with them. How I wish for that.

So, to the people reading this who have been with me here, and to The People reading this (I hope The People know who they are): I love you so much, and leaving you will leave a hole in my heart that will never be filled in. Know you are special, know you are amazing, and know that no matter where or when, I will be here for you when you want or need me.

Weary

It's been a while since my last post. Why? Don't know. Just haven't felt like writing, I suppose.

My body hates me for constantly putting it in harms way. I am afflicted with all manner of little ills at the moment, all combining to exhaust me and worry me. I'm sure none of them are at all serious, but it's just a crappy time for me to be feeling ill, when I should be feeling super-healthy and happy. Meh.

James sent me a book to read which he translated from French. He's such a clever-clogs, he is! It's a history of France in the 17th century, but related from the standpoint that women, love and sex were major reasons for some of that period's most important events. It's funny and informative, and while I'm not sure how respected the work is in historic circles, it does give a good outline of the events which shaped France.

This weekend is the Sayonara Party. Wow. But we are expecting a typhoon. And we're supposed to be camping. Damn.

Last weekend was the Taj Ultimate Frisbee tourny which, if I had been feeling 100%, and if I'd had more than 30mins sleep on Friday night, would have rocked my socks. Lets say it rocked one sock. The other was concerned with ongoing stomach trouble after taking antibiotics for impetigo, coping with gnat bites (OW!), and trying to stay alert enough to catch the frisbee. The sock didn't do so well, and I played for peanuts.

I am dreaming of.... sandwiches from Bar Italia, shopping in Newington, going to the Cameo on rainy Friday nights, doctors who speak English, trying out new recipes, feeling healthy.

I, Gaijin

It occurred to me the other night, during the course of a conversation with Nate, Joe and Jordan, that this blog is incredibly superficial. And not that there is a thing wrong with that; I wanted it to be a place where I could record my experiences without the bulk of a paper journal. But my journals are much more reflective than the majority of these blogs are, and more eloquent too. I am aware that my writing has lost a lot of the expressiveness I was able to give it when I was doing it on a more regular basis in university.

Our conversation, amongst other things, was about how foreigners perceive the native community here in Japan. Throughout my last year here, I have consciously decided to distance myself from the Japanese community. Not because I dislike them, far from it. But for a time now, I have felt that my ideals are not those of the Japanese people, and I struggled to find common enough ground with most Japanese people that I wouldn’t be left tearing my hair out after a conversation. I think my attitude towards the Japanese has grown very negative in the last twelve months. Only yesterday, I found myself biting my tongue as an eikaiwa student detailed how, after finding a wart on her neck, she went to a dermatologist to have it removed. He said it was too small to remove. Unsatisfied, she drove an hour and a half to another doctor who was willing to take it off. Then she was upset over the price. I couldn’t understand why she didn’t just listen to the first doctor. Her ire over a small skin blemish struck me as rather vain, and the fact that the other class members in the room were nodding sympathetically led me to the conclusion that, in this student’s position, they’d have done the same thing.

This is where the gaijin community sells our Japanese friends short. Before arriving in this country, the majority of us do some sort of research on the community we are attempting to become a part of. Time and again, we read about the Japanese ‘group’ mentality; about how the standards and aspirations of the group are valued higher than those of the individual, be it the family, the company, the club or what have you. The archetypal Japanese salaryman is a common example in trying to explain this phenomenon to new arrivals: he works ridiculous hours, even when he has no real work to do, will go out on mid-week benders with his department to foster team spirit, and will often become little more than a stranger to the family he is working so hard to support. Of course, such people do exist in Japan: I’ve seen them on the Tokyo subways, late at night, shirt open at collar, cheeks flushed from beer, eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep. They are a sorry sight, but a familiar one.

Now, here’s the crux: foreigners in Japan have become so accustomed to reading about and witnessing this ‘birds of a feather’ behaviour, that oft-times, we forget to dig deeper. Japanese people are not as cut-and-dry as much of the literature would have you believe. Individualism is rife in Japan, but people are not taught to express it. The group comes first. That doesn’t mean that individualism doesn’t exist. It just comes second.

Case in point: the self-assured, distinctive, refreshing Yoshida-sensei. Yoshida-sensei is a member of my eikaiwa class. She’s a staunchly feminist, human rights loving, knowledge thirsty middle-aged elementary school teacher. She’s not afraid to express her views, at least to our little club. She’s openly critical of the government, and loves to ask about women’s equality in other parts of the world. She’s an assertive, intelligent woman whose views would arguably be more at home in the west. What marks her out as Japanese is the fact that she is still very much a team player. She goes to work on a Saturday. She begs the favour of her peers. She serves tea to her male colleagues. Does this make her a hypocrite? Some might say yes, but I don’t think so. She gains more utility (to make use of economic language) by suppressing her own views and interests in order to achieve a common goal. She is prioritizing, and what Yoshida-sensei illustrates is that the Japanese have a different order of priorities to Westerners. The team comes first. The individual comes later, in private time with friends rather than collegues.

Until I was discussing this topic with the boys on Wednesday night, I had forgotten that Japanese are very much individuals, and that they just don't express it as much. In distancing myself from them, I allowed myself to place all Japanese people in the same boat, which is unfair. I'm not about to go out and start shunning the company of fellow foreigners in favour of Japanese people again, as I did in my first year out here. But I think I need to be a little more lenient in my judgement of them.

Again, eloquency fails me. This is hardly ground breaking thought, but I guess that's what I get for trying to expound on a 36 hour old conversation.

All Things Go...

Hmm, there is SO much I need to be doing right now, and I really don't want to do any of it. I feel so disorganised and lethargic. I just want to be outside! I don't want to teach anymore! Only 6 weeks to go... scary, but kinda nice. I almost wish it was August 20th already, and then I would have had all the painful goodbyes, have packed up my house, have got my successor sorted out, and be ready. All this prep is no good for one's constitution!

What is good for one's constitution is spending a weekend in the mountains with a great person, soaking up the calm, and talking about farms in Australia. I spent this past weekend down in Hongawa with James, and thoroughly enjoyed myself. It was such a change of pace, and James is a very refreshing person to be around. I made a great curry, he made an even greater apple crumble, and I altogether wish I could spend more weekends like that... just kicking back and chewing the fat. He has a farm down in Oz... well, it's his parent's, but it'll probably become his. Not sure if I'll see James again this side of the planet, but I hope that I can visit him in Gippsland. I so wish we had met a lot earlier: it's an odd and not entirely comfortable feeling to think that someone might have been a great friend if only you'd had a bit of extra time to hang with them. I'm actually feeling this way about a lot of people I met recently: there simply isn't enough time, I guess!

I think I am going to skip dance practice tonight to do some cleaning, and try to sort some stuff out. I need to make a start, or I never will.

In other news, Christian down in Miyazaki is attempting, along with many other people, to break the record for the longest basketball game ever played. I think they're going for something mad like 60 hours. If it works, they'll get into the Guiness Book of Records! Go Christian!

I have nothing else for now, except that I am sat right underneath the aircon, and I'm cold.

How To Acquire a Taste for Grapefruit

I never did like grapefruit. I found it bitter and far from refreshing, much to the incredulity of pretty much everyone everywhere. Most people, it seems, like grapefruit. This is the story of how I finally became a huge fan of the humble grapefruit.

As regular readers will know, my good friend Nate and I had planned a weekend of hiking and camping in the Ishizuchi Quasi National Park in neighbouring Ehime Prefecture this weekend past. We planned to take in Ishizuchi-san herself, plus another couple of smaller peaks, kipping halfway through at a designated, but isolated, camping spot. We were joined unexpectedly by Nate’s friend Roger, a massive Swiss fellow Nate had met over the Christmas vacation in Cambodia. Roger arrived in Japan last Wednesday and had decided to come to Shikoku to see Nate. Since our plans had been set pretty solidly for a number of weeks, Nate asked Roger to come with us, and he happily agreed.

On Saturday, we set off bright and early from the car park at the base of Mount Ishizuchi. Because we are young, beautiful and incredibly stupid, we decided to forego the ropeway lift that takes people halfway up the mountain in the name of mountaineering purity. So we slogged our way all the way up the mountain. It was a hot hot day, and water went fast. Nevertheless, we felt fit and good, the banter was rolling, and we were having ourselves a damn good time.

Nearer the top of the mountain, we ran into my friend James, who had started the hike from Ishizuchi’s south side in order to meet us on our way up. After another couple of hot hours, myself, Nate and James gained the airy summit of Ishizuchi-san, having left Roger resting a painful hip at our lunch spot. We played around on the summit a little, enjoying the vertiginous feelings it inspired, before going back to Roger, and descending the southern side of the mountain.

Another three or so hours later, we finally got ourselves to the camp ground, and made a great little base. After a bath (my first mixed onsen!) at a nearby lodge, the three boys and I joined the lodge caretaker and his one guest for some dinner and drinks that the guest insisted on paying for. He was an incredibly nice fellow who had come to Ishizuchi for sentimental reasons. His wife and him had enjoyed climbing the mountain together, but sadly, his wife died five years ago. He had come back for her. We soon called it a night, the three original members of my party heading to our tents, leaving James merrily chugging sho-chu with the guest and the lodge caretaker (who is a friend of James’).

Sunday dawned bright and clear. Roger complained that his hip and knee were hurting badly after so much climbing the day before. Nate and I were also pretty wiped out, so we made the decision to avoid climbing another mountain by taking a path which, on the map, looked to skirt round the base of the mountain, yet still put us in the same end point as if we had taken our original route. We consulted the caretaker who said he’d never heard of anyone using that path before, and that it may be bad. We decided to try it anyway (Fools? Us?).

We found the path after one false start, and jauntily walked down it, chewing the fat, and marveling at the good weather. Or some such crap equally as cheerful. The path started to get overgrown, but was still visible, and looked to be following a river. On we went. Eventually, the path became completely overgrown but by the time we realized this little fact, we had already clambered down or around several waterfalls and other bothersome geographical entities. We stopped and debated. I think my exact words were “Well, I’m up for an adventure”, and this seemed to be the general consensus of the group, so we went on (Fools? Us? Yeah, ok.)

The going got stupidly difficult, but we knew (or so we thought) where we were, and since the path on the map was only two-three kilometers long, we were convinced that, as long as we followed the river, we’d hit our road sooner or later. It came to one o’clock, and the landscape kept forcing us higher into the surrounding mountain. This was not in the plan, and so Nate left us on a foray to try to find a way down to the river. He came back some time later to report a huge waterfall ahead of us, and that our only way past it was to climb up the mountain around it. We thrashed our way through the forest climbing higher and higher. Eventually, we got to a high point. The head of the mountain ridge. Here, we were able to see our valley and the one next it, and hear the river in the other valley. If the valleys merged into one, then so did the rivers. And that was a major feature on our map! Mild concern gave way to relief as we realized that we were indeed on the right track, that the compass had been right, and that the map wasn’t totally awry. We decided, since the drop down to the river was so steep in our valley, to cross over into the other valley, and follow that river instead.

Lo and behold, the same geographical boundaries stood in our way. A big waterfall forced us high up into the neighbouring mountain in order to avoid it. By this time, it had reached 5pm. It was clear that we were not going to get to our intended destination by nightfall. Rather than try to follow the blasted river any further, we decided to hack up to the top of the ridge we were on in order to find flat ground in order to pitch a tent on. We had been attacked by various biting insects all day, and staying a night out in the open on a slope with no protection would have made a meal of us. A desperate hour of serious uphill work later, we gained to top of the ridge. Or at least a flat part of it. On the way up, we heard the shrine drums on Ishizuchi-san, and were sure we could hear the cable car, and this reinforced in us the idea that we were in the right area. For my part, half of me felt scared and worried and disbelieving that I was about to spend an unscheduled night on a mountain, the other part felt like I was in ‘Swallows and Amazons’ or an Enid Blyton adventure, and looked forward to missing school the next day in order to get myself out of a pickle.

We cleared enough space to pitch my little 1.5 man tent (big enough for one, two is getting cosy). Got out the sleeping gear and crammed ourselves inside. It was a long, hot, uncomfortable night. Thankfully it didn’t rain. Three of us in there. A well-built American on one side, a massive Swiss bloke on the other and wee me in the middle. By the time my alarm went off at 5am, we were all suffering with cramps and lack of sleep. We were also all partially dehydrated. Water had become a problem around the same time as we decided to camp out, and Roger even suggested we conserve our wee in the empty water bottles just in case. We didn’t. What we did do was split the one and only grapefruit we had brought with us. As I said, I don’t like grapefruit. But that night, parched, worried and hungry, it was the best thing that had ever passed my lips. It was sweet enough to stop my tummy gurgling, it had bite enough to refresh, and it had juice enough to trick my tongue into peeling itself off the roof of my mouth. I haven’t eaten another grapefruit yet, but I bought one today, and am planning on eating it when I next want a drink. So, before I reach the end of my story, here is its message: if you want to start liking a particular food, get yourself lost in the woods with some of it, and I guarantee, it’ll be your new favourite by the time you get out.

The next morning, we set off around 5.45am. Not the way we came, and I can’t for the life of me remember why we didn’t. There was a logical reason for not going back down the same ridge we came up, I know there was, but it escapes me now. Anyway, we decided to head down the side of the mountain rather than the ridge, and the going was tough. We had to use long reedy grass as ‘rope’, lowering ourselves down backwards much of the time. The mountain was really steep, and if we fell, it could have been pretty bad.

We found a stream high enough up to fill our water bottles with, and that was a massive relief. The low water had been gnawing away at us all, and although we didn’t voice our thoughts to each other, it had become a major concern. Once again, the valley floor hid behind impossibly high or steep cliffs, and wouldn’t let us down. I suppose I had thought it before this point, but I think I first remember the water stop being a point where I worried about dying. Everyone, from the moment they are aware of death, has had the thought or uttered worries about possibility of death. But how many people have uttered them without the slightest hint of flippancy? For the first time in my life, it occurred to me that it was very possible I might die in that place. It wasn’t a huge jolt, it wasn’t ever at the front of my brain, it was just a quiet voice in some part of my head whispering a memento mori to me.

We turned to climb away from the river, since it was about to go over another waterfall, and we couldn’t follow it. After a little while, we stopped for a break. Exhausted. We looked at each other. The boys said we should phone for help. I wanted to keep going. The idea that we actually needed help to get us out of this situation was still a little far-fetched to me, and I wanted to keep going til midday. The boys, though, were firm, and I relented. Nate and I had our cell phones with us (stroke of luck number one), but the signal was patchy, so we had to climb higher to use them. I contacted Claire, the Tokushima PA, Nate contacted Sean, the artist living in H.Iya. And that was it. The ball was rolling.

What we had to do now was climb to as high as we could, find a spot with as few trees as possible and wait. It took another two hours to do this, and I don’t think I have ever felt so utterly defeated. The enormity of the situation we were in hit me, and I grunted and moaned and whimpered my up the mountainside. The vegetation was so thick, we could barely see 10 feet in front of us. We had to use our arms to fight our way through, and today I consequently look like I’ve been self harming. When we finally got to a semi-clear point, and could go on no further (neither our bodies nor the mountain would allow it), I sat down and cried. I was totally exhausted, hope of us getting out without help was gone, people were worrying about us, and we were now at the mercy of nature and the police. I guess we had always been at the mercy of nature; one fall could have broken someone’s ankle, and the whole thing could have gone differently. A snakebite. Rain. No river with which to refill our water bottles. But as long as we believed we were walking out by ourselves, it felt like we were in control. As soon as we called for help, it was like we relinquished that control to other parties, and that, I think, is what broke me.

After I pulled myself together, we dug out my tent fly sheet and strung it up in the trees. We had some calls from the police trying to ascertain our position. We waited. We didn’t say much. Eventually, we heard the sound of the helicopter approaching. When it came into view, we went mad, shouting (like they’d be able to hear us), waving the tent sheet, using my mirror to reflect the sunlight. Thankfully, they saw us. The helicopter swooped over us, looking at our position and waving to us (we must have looked like we were totally mental, jumping up and down and waving like crazy). They started speaking to us through a loud speaker, telling us not to move from our position, and saying that another chopper would be back in three hours to pick us up. It flew around some more, I guess documenting our exact location before it moved away.

It was intense. I can’t describe the feeling we got from seeing this helicopter seeing us. We hugged, and laughed, and knew that we’d be ok. We were all totally blown away. In the time we were waiting, we were pretty quiet. I don’t remember much about it, apart from saying that I was going to email the girl who sold me the tent we strung up in the trees, an ex-JET called Alison. We got some more emails from the people who’d been involved in finding us. We called and emailed various people to let them know we were found. We basked in the feeling. We laughed. We marveled, and shook our heads a million times. We wondered how much it’d all cost, and whether we’d need to pay for it. Still, to me at least, it didn’t feel like it was actually happening.

Some two hours later, we got the call saying the helicopter was coming early, and we were to get ready. We packed up all our stuff, and set about straining our ears for the slightest sound. There it was. A big white chopper, with winching equipment attached to it flew into view. It was on the wrong side of the valley to start, but we did our crazy dance again, and when it turned round, it saw us. Now it started to feel real. We were about to be WINCHED off a mountain into a HELICOPTER. Isn’t that the maddest thing ever? My tummy was up somewhere near my throat at the realisation that I, as the only female in the group, would be first to go. Two men in orange jump suits came whizzing down the wire, and sure enough, clipped me in first. Then I was off the ground, with an orange-clad dude clipped in underneath me, flying high above the green abyss. If my nerves hadn’t been so totally shredded, then I think it’s an experience I would have enjoyed. Said nerves, however, were in tatters, so I simply held on tight, and kept my eyes mostly shut. I looked round long enough to ascertain that we were, indeed, in the arsehole of beyond; nothing to see apart from trees and sky, and a distinctive looking landslide we had spied, which probably did a better job of getting us found than our ‘directions’.

Our rescue crew was wonderful, very kind men who didn’t look at us like we were the stupid kids we were, but simply asked us if we were ok, and kept grinning at us, giving us thumbs up. At one point, as we were waiting for Nate to be winched in, they said they wanted to leave our bags behind. I must have looked pretty stricken (that would have really been bad; the amount of borrowed equipment that we had, not to mention the loss of all the important gubbins in our wallets, plus our cameras) because they decided to bring them up as well. Kagawa Air Rescue, I bow down to you.

A short, bumpy ride later, we were back on the ground in Saijo city, where we were met by a fire crew (?) and three supremely kind police officers, two of whom spoke English. After they took our statements, we got into the car, and were dropped off at Saijo bus station to take a bus back to where we had left the car. The whole thing was over so quickly… from being picked up off the mountain to being dropped off at the station took less than an hour. I felt sure we would have been taken to hospital for a once-over, or at the very least taken to the police station to give proper statements. Nope. After a 45 minute bus ride, we were back at the car, and met by Nate’s Board of Education Supervisor. That’s when the enormity of what we had done hit us. We were going to have to bow down low, make lots of apologies, eat lots of humble pie.

I didn’t think that the experienced had had a hugely negative effect on my mind… however, without the slightest trace of melodrama, on the way home in the car, I was looking at trees in a very different light. I had trouble dropping off to sleep, my mind kept on floating back to the forest, and I had the oddest sensation of fighting my way through trees again, of feeling rotten wood cracking under my feet, threatening to send me bouncing back down the mountainside. I think I still feel a bit unsettled, but as time goes on, it feels like it was a dream.

I spent yesterday (Tuesday) morning being frog marched around various offices at the Board of Education by my Kocho-sensei, making many apologies to the people I’d worried (the entire BoE, it would seem). I had to stand up and apologise to the staff of the school in the morning meeting (who I swear had vicariously enjoyed my adventure). Kocho drove all the way to Matsuyama to talk to the police there (not sure why he had to go all that way, the operation was based out of Saijo). It wasn’t a fun day. I spoke to Dad on MSN, he laughed at me, I just cried a bit. I cancelled eikaiwa last night, washed my clothes, started writing this.

Not sure how to wrap the story up. Yes I am. I made a playlist for our car trips to and from the moutain. It’s a pretty generic playlist. But one of the songs was one I discovered about a month ago, and it has been crying out for some sort of context to attach it firmly to my soul. Well, now it has one. It’s called ‘Teen Angst’ and it’s by M83. Another song on the list is called ‘Oh My Corazon’ by Tim Burgess. We listened to this one the way home, Nate commenting that it seemed very appropriate for the situation. I couldn’t agree more. The picture is us after the first chopper found us.

Memento Mori

Well, maybe that's a little too dramatic of a title, but I certainly did get a reminder of my impending departure from Miyoshi. My successor's name. And only her name. They won't tell me anything else yet. Which is kind of ok with me. I just had a lovely weekend, and I'm not ready to gush details of my town to someone else quite yet. :)

Joe came round Friday night, and we cooked a superb pasta dish. I think it could have used more sauce, but it was yummy all the same. Then we watched The Crow, and I got a big natsukashii feeling in my tummy, and remembered how into all that Gothic crap I was. Before Gothic became cool. Good film. Glad I'm not 16 anymore. Who'd be that age? Seriously....

On Saturday, I bought Mika lunch then waded shin deep in the most glorious mud ever in order to plant a few, erm, plants? of rice. What does one call that? A sheaf of rice? A bunch of rice? I have no idea. Whatever. I planted a few, in bare feet, back all bent. The mud was the best feeling I've ever had between my toes. Hope that Japanese B Encephalytis vaccine still has some punch, though I suspect not... Then I went to an Awa Odori meeting, and didn't follow most of what was going on, but I have been neglecting the ren, I feel, so it was good I went. Things are just stupid crazy at the minute, and it's hard for me to get to all the practices.

Then I came home, and watched Bad Santa (so funny!), and Nate came knocking at my door needing a place to stay, so we chatted about our trip next week, and watched the film.

On Sunday, we got up at 11.30 (great sleep), and then I spent the day watching The Notebook (and cried unashamedly at it), and sleeping some more, and walking a bit, and watching it get dark from my balcony with a cold beer in my hand. It was a nice weekend spent in town, being quiet and not getting crazy. The next load of weekend will be far from that!

A Year on AJET

It's DONE. I am through, more or less. My life is pretty much my own again. A love you, AJETters of 2005-2006. What a crew. I can't sum them up in words (I've been trying for the last three days, and there's too much I could say.　So I shall simply let my pictures (actually a lot of them are Christian's) do the talking. You guys rock my socks, I love you all!

Typhoon Numer 1 and Other Stories

So yeah, Typhoon Chanchu is currently showing the poor people of China the back of its hand. Down here on Shikoku, we were caught in the fingers of the storm, and had a lot of rain all day long yesterday. We're still rather cloudy today, but it looks like it's going to blow itself out before it hits us. I sort of like typhoons. I hope I get a big mother of one before I leave here to give me a lasting impression...

In other news, I got beaten up by a three year old boy on Tuesday. But he was cute as a bean, so I resited the urge to hit him back. Yuuki has started at Higashiyama's nursery school. He has a gammy leg, so he walks and runs with a limp. He's a a tyke, though. He ran towards where I was sitting on the floor the other day with a big slavery smile on his face, and squealing "Errriiiii!", and when he got to me, gave me a cuff round the jaw. It was pretty sore, but he giggled so much, as did everyone else, so I just poked him in the belly, which made him laugh all the more. Bless.

I had one of those lovely walks the other day, between my house and the Daimaru, where practically every car that passed me had someone in it I knew, and who waved to me. I had the 'Cheers' theme tune running through my head.

Neto-kun and I are off camping in two weeks time. We're going to hike and camp Mount Ishizuchi, the tallest mountain on Shikoku, and the tallest in Western Japan. I am so looking forward to it, but I think it'll be hard. On Nate's advice, I have started running everyday, just a short way to begin with. It feels good, and I am fitter than I thought I was, which is encouraging. I am looking forward to getting up into the mountains, it SO LONG since I topped out! I only hope with weather will be fine.

But this weekend is the biggie in Tokyo: my last AJET meeting. And I won't pretend I'm not looking forward to handing all this over. When this is done, it'll allow me to concentrate on packing up, CV writing, looking for a job, and all that sort of crap. But I'll miss the crew tremendously. There are so many good people on the AJET council, and I have had a lot of fun with them, particularly at the Tokyo Orientations.

Speaking of AJET, it's time to finally bid goodbye to my baby, the Team Taught Pizza. I am now well into the process of handing the beast over to its next nuturer, a person who goes by the name PJ. He sounds well up for his challenge (I certainly hope he is), and I think he'll do a grand job. He has much more experience than I did when I took over, so I have no worries at all.

The Japanese have just passed a law that will make it compulsory for all foreigners to be finger printed on entering the country. They're worried about a threat from terrorists. Well... in my memory, Japan has only been attacked by terrorists once in recent years... and that was by one of their own kind! But no. The gaijin (how I hate that word) must be watched. We are dangerous, dontcha know? I sort of like being dangerous. Sometimes I get eyed up in the street, like I might pounce any minute, and kidnap the next cute little chibi-chan that walks past me. Other times, I know these people are just curious about me. What a mental country this is.

I want to eat pizza. I wonder if there's a Pizza Hut in Kabuki-cho. Maybe slotted between the pachinko parlour and the Russian-staffed soapland. Yummy.

A Very Mixed Bag

I have been in this country for the best part of three years now. It's had it's ups and down, and I generally have a healthy love-hate relationship with the place. More often than not, it's hate, but I think that's more for my job than actual society and culture.

Yesterday I had one of the saddest moments I've ever experienced here. I have started teaching regularly at nearby Hiruma elementary school. This is the largest school in the town, yet they never got regular ALT classes until this April. As such, a lot of the kids don't know me. I was sitting in the staff room yesterday waiting for my class to begin, and girl came in. She would be in the third or fourth grade, so she wasn't a total baby. She saw me and stopped dead. I said 'hello' as I usually do to all kids who stare at me. She jumped a MILE into the air, said, in Japanese, that I was really scary, and ran out of the room. Well. That went well. Most kids in town, whether I teach them or not, have seen me. Most would say hello, or konnichiwa back to me. This girl didn't know where to look. That's the first time that's ever happened to me. It would have been fun if this girl had smiled, or given some hint that she had seen me before, or had some sort of twinkle in her eye. But she didn't. Ugh.

Things like yesterday make me want to take the collective Japanese population and shake some sense into them. The level of their insularity in this day and age is staggering and frustrating. I think I have given up on trying to internationalise them. The task has become tedious and repetitive. I remember my friends who were going home last summer felt this way as well. I am worn out in this job, bored to tears. I don't regret for a second staying three years. But it's time. And it's time that is causing me problems.

I am stuck between a rock and a hard place these days... I have so many things planned that I am looking forward to (frisbee, camping, visiting Kochi, rafting etc...), and yet they are all in the future. The faster they come, the faster going home comes as well. I am so ready to be finished this damn job, and be out of this damn country for a while. I am not ready to say goodbye to all these people. I guess that's why I'm coming back. I am such an odd mix of feelings these days. I am happy to be finishing, but so unhappy to be leaving. I keep meeting all these wonderful people, and I know that I would love to spend a significant amount of time with all of them. But time is pretty much up. I don't know how to balance myself out. I feel like I'm bobbing along with little control over my life. Which is nonsense, I have total control. I am dying for something to change, but afraid because I know what form that change will take. I need some sleep.

The River Wild-ish

Well, Jillsty arrived on Monday night! And how! It was so wonderful to see them, and be able to show them around. They have arrived right at the start of the good weather: our temperatures now are the very highest that Scotland would see in summer.

After a couple of days kicking it around Miyoshi, we jumped in our funky-ass hire car on Thursday morning, and headed for Iya. At Oboke, we met James, who generously offered us his car and chauffeuring skills for the day (accepted!), and got on the road proper. As expected, Iya was crawling with tourists who couldn’t drive (bloody Kagawans!), but no matter. We arrived at the remote Okuiya vine bridges, and spent a happy 45 minutes playing on them and chewing the fat. After a nice lunch where James and I introduced Jillsty to some more traditional Japanese cuisine, we hopped up to Chiiori to pick someone up, and then hit the onsen. Jillsty LOVED the onsen, although being Golden Week and Iya’s Hikyonoyuu, it was pretty busy. After the onsen, we headed to Happy Raft, struck camp, had some BBQ, went for walks, and finally crashed about 2am. It was a really fun day. I learned about Australia’s political system, listened to Van Halen’s ‘Jump’, which immediately made me feel like I was 5 and dancing with Dad, and had my hiccups cured by listening to people debate abortion.

On Friday, it was time, once again, to climb into our rafts and take on the Yoshinogawa. As always, it was a total blast. Although Jill had a nasty fall while climbing up a rock she had intended to jump off. She gave herself a bad knock on the elbow, enough to send her back to base for the rest of the day. Her new name is Rockfall. The day once again reinforced my intention to do some time on the river before I find myself a ‘career’. The river wasn’t as big as I’d have hoped for, but I think that for first timers in our crew, it was quite big enough. It was a beautiful sunny day, though, and we all got the sun rather a lot.

Saturday and Sunday saw us three in Kyoto taking in the sights. This was my third time in the city, and I think I saw more this time than I have ever done before. I enjoyed myself a lot, but we were all really tired. Going to the city is a lot of fun. But when I get off the bus in Miyoshi, smell the heavy wet air, and hear all the frogs and insects, I know that I really belong in the country.

Back at school today, longing to be outside, in the mountains or on the river with friends. Jillsty heading up to Tokyo today, giving me a chance to tidy the apartment up, and gather my thoughts a little. I feel like I haven’t stopped for a week. Which is pretty accurate really.

I have pictures to post, but they aren’t ready yet.

How Green Is My Valley

Wow, barely one month ago, Mum and Dad were here. It was the height of the sakura season, but the mountains were still a very wintry, dead shade of brown. Now, 4 weeks later, and the trees have burst into life, covering the slopes with more shades of green than I can count. Bee-yoo-tee-ful! It's so fresh and full of life, and makes me feel really optimistic.

It's been a busy wee week here in Tokkers. Report writing galore has gone on. I've been emotional, Nate and I had fun falling out online, I've played more poker, I've taught classes. I am really tired, but I feel like I'm at least doing stuff. Dave was at Jordan's on Wednesday night, it's so lovely to be able to see him through the week again! He beat me at poker though...

Have been getting on really well with Noda-sensei now... I think that he is now my preferred team-teacher. I don't know, he and Tame-chan are both so different, but I feel like both me and the kids get out of the lessons I teach with Noda.

Right now, the senseis are at the annual gun teacher meeting, and I am hanging at school with Usuki-san (who just did a major operation on my crappy bike), and Hori-san. I am listening to Radio 1 from home online, not knowing any of the music they are playing, and waiting til 4pm, when I can go home, walk in the sun, and wait for the lads to come round for.... more poker. Sorry Mummy!

Rested

Mmmm, it's so delicious to have a weekend in sometime, all to myself. Almost all.

I started off on Friday by ordering a massive pizza (what was I THINKING?!), and then hitting the onsen with Nate and The Deer. The they came back to my house, and we played poker. The aces were LOVING me that night, and I had some great hands, much to the frustration of the boys (Nacho eventually giving in and calling me a bitch). Jordan crashed and burned after a while, I had all his money, but he insisted he wanted to watch me and Nate (play cards!). So we had some intenese one-on-one (poker!). The outcome was that all the money I took from Jordan, I gave to Nate, and lost about Y150 of my own. Not bad. If I had stopped along with The Deer, I would have been well up.

On Saturday, I met Jordan and Saori for lunch, before raiding the Kings Road, and then walking home from Mikamo in the pouring rain. I had my Walkman on, playing the Prodigy LOUD, and had a lovely hour to myself. Hmm, but my knee hurts like a bitch, not sure what's wrong with it. That happens when I walk a lot, I can feel things grinding, it's not good.

The films I rented this weekend were as follows:
Ocean's 12
Hitch
Closer
Before Sunset

With the exception of the first one, all of these films had to do with relationships in some way (not that I am totally in need of living vicariously through films, it just sort of happened that way). Hitch was total Hollywood fluff, and made me laugh. Good film. Closer just made me sad and unhopeful, and made me wonder why anyone would get into a relationship that could get as destructive as that. But I guess you don't know it's going to get destructive. it made me think twice about wanting a relationship, though. Then Before Sunset is sort of a bridge between the two. It's a beautiful film, I love it, it has an unsatsifying ending, that is a sort of test as to whether you're a cynic or a romantic (die-hard romantic here!), but it went some way to repairing the damage done by Closer.

I dunno... I always thought of myself as someone who is really self-reliant, I like to think that I'll always be able to make my way by myself. And I think I will. But I need people around me, and I need to be able to trust them. Closer is a representation of relationship hell. It's bleak. It's a well-made film, but it really made me sad. People say that life is never like the films. Let's hope not.

Lindsay left us on Friday morning. She was a bit messy, I hear. I will be too. Now we have Chalice. Interesting gal. She's a hit with the gunnies already. She'll fit right in. But we misses Lindsay! You hear that?! We do, y'know! Send us a postcard from Togo!

This week, I am... rested. I am busy. I am scared about returning home, it's something that I think about on a daily basis. While I am relishing the thought of a new job, I fall to pieces at the thought of the goodbyes I'll have to make. Mm. AJET is in high gear. I cannot wait to get shot of that whole thing. I have to start packing up the house. Jillsty touch down in a week. Holy crap!

Gotta go. Love to you!

One out of ten ain't bad!

Another full weekend of sports, and I am wiped out. Next weekend is my first unplanned weekend since... February. I intend to vegetate and do some serious sleeping.

BUT, all the tiredness is worth it! This weekend was the third annual AJET Games Touch Rugby Tournament here in Tokushima, and it was the biggest yet! Over 200 people from all over the southern half of Japan came out for it, and I think they all had a blast. I do hope so! The weather certainly could have been kinder, it was somewhat cold and rather windy (windburn abounds on the faces of all ALTs this morning!), but I think that spirits were high enough to negate the less than ideal weather.

My own team, Touch n' Go, pretty much sucked at the game. Most of the team had never played before the weekend, and our inexperience was quickly picked up on by our first opponents, the Gaijin Ninja, from Hyogo. It was something of a baptism of fire, though, the Ninja are probably the best amateur touch team in southern Japan. Nevermind. We finished the first day having won not one single match on our pool. Damn!

Saturday night saw me on duty as BBQ organiser, and I am so grateful for all the help I got. I had never been in charge of something as huge as this, so I was really worried that people would get pissed because of lack of organisation, lack of food or whatever. But Ron (who organised and bought all the food, as well as planned the actual process) was on hand to help out, and the people I had recruited to help me out (namely the Gaijin Ninja, Okayama's Grapes of Wrath, and of course Touch n' Go) were absolutely wonderful at just getting on with it. I'm especially grateful to the Ninja: so laid back, nothing was a problem, they just did it, even though they were paying guests.

AJET babes Froilan and Jessie came from Kumamoto and Kyoto respectively to help and hang out, and it was great to see them. Also got to know a lovely Kochi bloke by the name of James a bit better. He was part of the Kochi frisbee crew last weekend, and then came to play rugger this weekend. Actually, a few of the frisbee people were here for rugby, it was great to see all of them again. Also met up with a girl from Shimane (whose name escapes me!) who had lived in Scotland for a long while. We met last year, and chatted a bit, and did the same this year.

Play finished mid afternoon on Sunday. Touch n Go surprised ourselves by actually winning a match, and having to play an extra match on Sunday. We damn near won that as well, but lost on handicap points (points awarded for tries scored by girls). We had fun on Sunday: we'd picked up the game, and knew much better what to do with the ball when we got it. I don't think the kids want to play regularly, though, which is a shame, but I guess it's not a sport for everyone.

After a spot of dinner and an onsen last night, I finally got home. Sadly, the mayor's election headquarters are behind my house (he's running for prefectural governement) and it was results night or something, so the place was packed with shouting and cheering supporters til nearer midnight. Meh.

Back to school this week: some classes to teach, but mostly the timetable is still out of sorts, as it is for the most part of this term. Am now organising a rafting trip with Happy Raft in Golden week, and hoping it will be something of a block event. Jill and Kirsty will be here then, and Dave will be guiding by that time, so it should be a good time of it.

Ok... am going to go and work out how to get my ass to Australia now. Yee haa!