On Waste

When reading this, forget things like euthanasia, that's not what I'm talking about.

On Saturday, I met up with an old flat mate of mine that I haven't seen in almost four years. It was great to see him, and hear all his news. He looks happy and healthy and all in all pretty good, so that's great. However, I did hear one sobering piece of news from him that hit home pretty hard.

When we were living together, I got to know some of his friends pretty well. I especially had time for this one guy, let's call him H, who was incredibly friendly, sociable and polite. I found H very easy to talk to, and without getting really close to him, I was always really glad that we were able to be friends. Well, on Saturday, my flate mate had to break it to me that about 18 months ago, H killed himself. He went to the roof of a uni library, floated to the ground, and when he got there, he was dead. I am so so shocked.

Sadly, this is not the first suicide I have had to deal with. Three years ago in January, my uncle hanged himself in his workshop. But when my family broke this news to me on a visit home, shocking as it was, it was easier to handle because they were able to tell me everything I needed to know. With H, it's not like that. My flat mate didn't seem able to talk about it, and I didn't like to further broach a painful subject that he had already dealt with and filed away. Like I say, H and I weren't super close, he was my flate mate's friend. So I somehow didn't feel I had a right to ask as much as I wanted.

When my uncle died, my family were able to relate to me all the sordid details surrounding his death. Horrible as it was, I was able to put the blame somewhere, and try to begin to understand what made him do it (though such questions can never be resolved). With H, there is this big fat "Why?" hanging over it. I can't begin to even speculate how this happy, confidant, wonderful guy went from being so well-adjusted to thinking that the only way things were going to get better was to kill himself. We were never in touch after I left the country, and I wasn't even in touch with the flat mate enough to get to talking about H. So I simply don't know.

What I do know is that I feel angry with him. Suicide is the ultimate in selfishness. I wasn't so close to my uncle. I wasn't close to H. But I can feel nothing but anger and hurt towards them. Until they spoke to every single person in the world that they knew, there was always another way to deal with whatever was going on. Always. I feel sad they are gone. Heartbroken. But also bitter. How dare they take themselves from us like that? Sure, it was their own lives, but what they obviously forgot is that with their life, they touched the lives of others around them. They had no right to decide to sever that in such a way. None.

But what gets me most about all of this is the waste involved. a A total waste of life. This guy, who would have been 23, 24 at the time, and had his whole life ahead of him. He was smart, funny, good-looking, and basically Full of Promise (those who have read Elizabeth Wurtzel's 'Prozac Nation' will get this reference). And now all that potential is gone, just like that. I wonder what he would have gone on to do. Probably he wouldn't have changed the world. Probably he wouldn't have been famous. That stuff doesn't matter. What does matter, is that if he had still been here, he would have still been in touch with people, making them feel good about themselves, making people happy they knew him.

Maybe it was just too much. Maybe he just didn't care anymore. I mean, if he did care, would he have done it?

I'll admit that I am no stranger to harmful thoughts myself. I don't want to go too far into it here, but I've been sad enough to want nothing more than to cause myself actual damage. Something to do with having something physically tangeable and painful to cry over, instead of the stressfulness of what's going on inside your head. But I've never, ever truly wanted to die.

A friend in Japan also recently lost a friend to suicide. I recall her feeling the exact same way I do now. Just totally at a loss as to why someone would do that. I tried to counsel her with the experience of my uncle's death. But then again, I was fortunate enough to know all the details surrounding that. She wasn't, and now neither am I. And it's the saddest, most puzzling and hurtful thing in the world.

This is the most personal thing I have ever written on this blog. I would like to say that I can't imagine any of my closest friends doing that to themselves, but neither would I have said my uncle or H would do it. So you know what? If you ever think about it, don't bother. I won't feel sorry for you. I'll be pissed off with you. Go and find help, for the love of God.

Shuffle shuffle

Hello dear readers, it's been a while since my last riveting post, so I thought I should say something.

The world of employment still eludes me. I heard from eca on Saturday that I wasn't even called to interview for the International Student Advisor's job. Curses uttered, imaginative walls kicked, and frowns worn, but I guess it's ok. After years of saying that I didn't believe in fate, I have decided to stop trying to convince everyone I am Neo-esque in my outlook. To a degree, it's all mapped out, I reckon, so I am thinking that that job simply wasn't for me. I am hoping the one at the Japanese Consulate will be. If not... well, others are in the pipeline too.

I met ex-Tokkers JET Rona on Saturday. It was cool to speak to someone who actually knew what I was talking about, but my head felt like it was going to split me in two, so a couple of times I sat in silence, willing the pain to subside so I could gab some more. Twas not to be though. I hobbled home clutching my head, willing it not to fall off. There will be other opportunities to chat uninhibited, I'm sure.

I had a semi-night out with Kirsty, the twins and Kerry on Friday. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I just can't justify a huge night on the town at the moment. The twins are Emma and Susan, friends of Kirsty's from Uni. Kerry is a mate from school. Good fun and good craic. We got a taxi from Kirsty's up town, and I haven't been in such a girly setting for ages and ages. I'd forgeooten how much a group of girls can gas and bitch when they get together!

Speaking of gassing, last Wednesday saw me standing outside that staple of Edinburgh coffee shops, Elephant and Bagels, waiting to meet Rachel. For those not in the know, Rach is one of my two best mates from Uni, and I hadn't seen her since before I left for Japan. We talked and talked and talked nonstop for two hours. Our emails to each other over the years haven't been particularly regular, but we were able to pick off rght where we left off, and I can't tell you how good that was. Now that she's up here for her masters', I am looking forward to lots of hot chocolates, dinners and just chatting sessions.

I am so so bored right now. I promise that my life (and hence my blogs) will get much more interesting once someone deems me respinsible enough to give me a job. Oh, the plans I have!! And I need to post some pictures soon too!

Still a Dangler at Heart

When I was living in Japan, I always used to get onto my friends and family for saying in their emails that "nothing was happening". Well... they were right. Nothing happens here. So to everyone who I lambasted for not writing me longer emails, I apologise. Life is empty and boring, you were right. ;)

Ok, I don't actually feel that terrible at all. There is plenty to write about, it's just not as obvious as it was in Japan, if you see what I mean.

The other day, David and I went to Alien Rock, our local (ish) climbing wall. I calculated that I hdn't been in about 4-5 years! I have to admit, I was a little nervous about clipping in that first time. What if I hadn't tied in properly? What if I had become a weak pansy who couldn't even pull herself up a grade 4? What if David had forgotten how to belay?! All my worries were, thankfully, unfounded. Tying a figure 8 is as easy now as it was then. I walked up the 4s and even some of the 4+s. David was up to his usual tricks, letting me abseil down to a few inches above the ground, then letting me dangle on the ATC til he felt like letting me down. It was a lot of fun, and although my out-of-condition forearms tired relatively quickly, I am eager to get back down there as soon as I can, and try to get myself up to, and then surpass, the level I climbed at years ago.

The job hunt is still going strong, but the waiting game is killer. My most exciting prospect at the moment is the post of Political and Economic Researcher at the Japanese consulate in Edinburgh. The salary hasn't been decided yet, and as it's not a very high-profile position, it'll likely be peanuts. However, I think I'd be willing to work for peanuts if it meant I could still have some sort of link to Japan. I really need to get something small to keep me going money wise. But the big jobs take such a long time to apply for, that by the time I'm done with those, I am really tired, and just want to have a cup of tea.

My boxes from Japan still haven't arrived. I think they probably have a week or so to go until I can start worrying though. There's nothing hugely important in them, but one does have my winter clothes, and the others contain all those gubbins that remind you of home: the pictures, the CDs, the books, the little wooden Buddha that Anya brought you from Cambodia, that used to act as poker button on Friday nights at your place. Sentimental stuff that you can look at and smile.

My state of mind is much improved, which is great. Being here still feels odd, uncomfortable and cold, but I have regular contact with most of the important people back east, and I feel confident in saying that, unless great big things happen, I won't be here for long. But you know... that consulate job, even if it is mule's work, could lead to good things. That could be the thing that kept me in Edinburgh longer than I am planning now.

Thanks Rona for that heads up, by the way! I emailed you from the JETAA site. Did you get it?