Working Girl

Happy New year! Hope yours was good. Me, I ended up at Rachel's impromptu house party in trendy Cockburn Street, after silly-bad weather called off the traditional street party celebrations in Edinburgh. It was a good time, I met lots of lovely people, though I really only knew Rach and her boyfriend Jake. I guess it was somewhat lonely, and I'd have given anything to see Joe suddenly appear and start dancing in his special Joe-style, or for Nate to come in with a pack of cards. But that notwithstanding, it was a jolly old time. Didn't last long though, was back in the flat by 1.30am listening to the rain outside.

However, 2007 should be interesting. I started my new job on Wednesday there. Hmm. It is mostly good, I think. The people in the office (I work with three others, another girl about my age, and two guys of 'family' age) are lovely and welcoming, and helpful as far as they can be. I am stoked to have people of all nationalities wandering in and out of the office to say hi, or ask me something. And I have suddenly inherited an address book with about 140 Edinburgh families in it, all of them keen hosts for our students, and all of them keen to chat and get to know me. It's daunting but nice. What is not nice is the prehistoric computer system we use. Holy crap, I can see there being computer-related defenestration issues on the horizon...

What is novel is getting up in the morning to put on business casual wear, hop on a bus with 50 other commuters, grab a coffee from Starbucks, and read the Guardian while I kill half an hour before 9am. I walk past the same church at the same time everyday (I know it's the same time, because the chimes always go off as I pass), I sit in the same seat in Starbucks, and before long, I'll be passing the same faces on Shandwick Place, as they make their way to their own places of work. Edinburgh is like that: a village where sooner or later, 'six degrees of seperation' doesn't seem so far-fetched.

After my first day on Wednesday, I walked out into full-on rush hour in downtown Edinburgh, and had 'New York Minute' by the Eagles playing in my head.

I like my job, but I'm not sure I am a 9-5 office girl at heart. This is for sure a road I am keen to explore in my professional life, but I'm also envious of Dave, about to move to Cairns to do some rafting work, and opening up his own business. For now though, a steady income and an ordered schedule will do me a world of good. Edinburgh still isn't sitting right with me, and it's partly because things were so crap for so long after I got back. My new job is going to do a lot to sort my head out, I think.

But today, I've been feeling kind of blue, and missing my old life. I wonder if I'll ever stop missing it, or at least stop missing it enought that it doesn't warrant a mention in this blog?

Accepted and Rejected

I am employed! Properly employed! I will be working with the Edinburgh branch of Regent, one of the Uks biggest ESL schools, as their acommodation and welfare officer (placing students with homestay families, in hotels, sorting out welfare issues etc). I am excited beyond belief, and hugely relieved too. I can't wait to see where this could take me. I'll be working in Edinburgh's West End (no theatres, but lots of offices, banks, and suits) Mon-Fri, 9-5. Means I can plan my life again (shift work really doesn't do it for me), and know that I'll always have my weekends free. it's so nice to know that in 2007, I'll finally be living my life. Australia WILL still happen for me, either in '07 or '08, but for now, I want to concentrate on having fun again instead of worrying so about the future, and missing the past.

On the other hand, I heard yesterday that I got an outright rejection from Moray House for the teacher training course! It doesn't really bother me, it wasn't what I really wanted. But I did hope I'd get an interview. I have good experience with children, and I know I got a good refernce from Heinz. Some things aren't to be, and this, I think, was one of them.

It's Christmas Eve. I'm going to go round to our local for a drink with my family and some family friends soon. I wanted to go to Midnight Mass, but our minister has gone to give it at another church a car ride away, which isn't an option for me. And sadly, my exhausted, diseased body (bad cold) insisted on a long lie this morning, so I missed the usual Sunday service. I WILL get to church one day soon, I just really wanted it to be the Watch Night Service.

I hope that all of you, wherever you are, are with people you love, and who love you, and that you are warm, safe and happy. Have a wonderful Christmas, and be thankful for what you have. I'll leave you now with my warmest wishes for you and yours. Merry Christmas!

Second Chances

After having the first interview for the ESL school job (as accomodation and welfare officer), I was convinced that, although I hadn't answered anything badly, I didn't really makle myself stand out. I had all but chalked the episode up to experience, and was ready to move on.

Not so fast there, sport! I got a call from the school's principal this morning inviting me back for a second interview. Somewhat unexpected, but it certainly made me smile! It's 9.30am GMT this coming Wednesday, so please keep it all crossed for me!

I'm just finishing a lovely three day weekend. On Saturday, I went into town and finally got some Christmas shopping done. I still have a worrying amount to get though. I also met Rona for a Breakfast Club showing of the Goonies at my favourite cinema, the Cameo. I love that film! The actual reel of film was so old, it jumped around a lot, it was full of cigarette burns, and at one point, we were even watching it upside down. That just added to the 'natsukashii' feeling though! Saturday night was the Gap Xmas night out, and we went to a Mexican restaurant, the Tiajuana Yacht Club. I've had better Mexican food, it must be said, but I had a riot sitting with Craig, Louise and Sarah. We never stopped laughing, mostly at Craig who is a proper comedian, and I awoke on Sunday with a hoarse throat.

Sunday was a relaxing day of visiting my newly-hipped Gran, then me and dad took a walk up to Gladhouse resevoir. It was a beautiful clear and freezing day. We came home to find Mum had finished putting up the Christmas decorations.

Today has been the usual blend of chatting to friends online, washing my clothes, and trying to do a little around the house. Back to work tomorrow, and only a week til Xmas to go! I'm not that excited, really, but it's nice to have something coming up where I get to hang with my family, and eat lots of good food.

If I don't write again til after Christmas, I wish you all a very happy holiday, and I truly hope to catch up with you all in 2007.

Finnish Love

It's been a while. I guess things don't seem so vivid and memorable as they did overseas. The trick is trying to remind myself that they really ARE.

A few things have happened. I am enjoying Gap. It's mindless, it's easy, once you know what you're doing, and there's a certain perverse pleasure to be taken from meeting your sales target for a day. It's also nice to be speaking to people my own age, and finding out what's going on in Edinburgh. Polish people rock. We have two working with us, and they are really cool, easy to get along with, and smile endlessly.

David didn't get into the army. This is a blow for all concerned. It sucks to high heaven for him, as now he has to wait another 6 months to go through the whole damn thing again, and in the meantime, has to find a job to keep himself going. And it's looking horribly like he might need to return to Starbucks. It sucks for me, because now there is no date in sight for me getting my own apartment back, as that's where the boy is living. I have no intention of kicking him out, but at the same time, both myself and my parents realise that me living at home for another 6 months will likely drive all of us mad. So words need to be had to come up with some sort of solution.

I met Katja the other week! Katja is a Finnish friend from the heady days of Uni, and together, we were going to change the face of acadaemia. Well, life got in the way of that little idea, but we remained in patchy contact whilst I was in Japon, and then she finally came up to Ed last week with her lovely French boyfriend Laurant and his friend Benoit. We spent a glorious Edinburgh afternoon holed up in the Baillie drinking beer and chewing the fat. It was really great to catch up with her again, and I only wished we lived closer.

I received a wonderful letter from dear James, he of the beard who played rugby and ultimate at various competitions with us, now somewhere in the Australian bush, riding in helicopters and putting fires out. He sent along some snaps of his farm, and I am resolved to getting out to that country really soon. It looks wonderful.

I have my first real job interview coming up! I am so excited, but trying not to get too worked up. It's for an Edinburgh ESL school, working as an accomodation and welfare officer for the students. Woo hoo! I am just glad that finally someone saw my CV as being somehow relevant to what they are looking for. I haven't had interviews for anything apart from shops since my return, so I know that this job might not happen, but it's a real boost for me to finally see some results coming from my experience.

I submitted my application to Moray House College, the teacher training school in Edinburgh. It's not what I want to do. Of that, I am pretty certain. I will go through with the application process, and, should I get an interview, I will try my very best. But the more I think on it, the more I realise that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. It's a bit of a conundrum, really, because that degreee would be a great way into Australia. But even then, I'd still be tied to teaching. James is urging me to simply take a year off and go on a working visa, see the country, and take it from there. It's a great plan in theory, but the thought of putting life off for yet another year is not one that sits easily in my mind, though it does have its attractions.

Mummy's off to Dublin next weekend for a shopping trip with my aunt. That leaves me and Dad with the rule of the roost. I think he's going to make monkfish tails in balckbean sauce one night for us (a first for me), and I think I'll do curry soup with lots of naan the other night.

Christmas is just around the corner. Madness. I picture where I was this time last year. I try to imagine where I'll be this time next year. Not knowing is exciting, but also pretty frustrating. I thought I was good at being a free spirit, and just letting it all wash over me, but actually, I'm not. I have this impatience to know what's coming next, and to see people and places that sitting back and letting it all happen is like proverbial nails on a board...

Love you all!

You are not your Gap khakis.

Oh yes you are! Holy crap, could I be anymore of a corporate whore??! I don't think so. After 4 years in Starbucks, I have now aligned myself with clothes giant Gap. If only for a few weeks. Yes, dear readers, the only place that sees me fit to employ is Gap. And that's ok for now at least. It means I can buy Xmas presents, and it means I stave off serious money issues for at least a few weeks. The job is only temporary for now, but there is the chance of me being kept on. And if that falls through... well, I know of a few Starbucks stores needing some workers... :(

It's been a quiet old life the past week or so. The job is the biggest news. But I did go out with Jillsty on Friday night for the first Japanese food I've had since my return. I was like a kid in sweet shop! Then we went for drinks, and were like the three withes from Macbeth, cackling away in our corner over old stories. Good times.

So, I am excited to start a new job, meet new people and spend some time away from this damn house. I'll write later.

Low Winter Sun

Being relatively far north means that Edinburgh gets a small amount of almost painful daylight during the winter months. The sun struggles up over the horizon sometime between 7 and 8am, fights its way around the sky, then gives up the ghost and starts going to bed around 3pm. Sometimes it gets to me, other times, like today, it gives the whole area a very ethereal feel, and illuminates the colours of autumn in a beautiful way. It never feels quite like day, and there's a sense of flux, of nothing being permanent.

Today I spoke to Stu over messenger, and it was one of the nicest conversations. He has an unconscious knack, sometimes, of reminding me how much I miss him, and how much he meant (means?) to me. After we signed off, I was left with a peculiar sense of longing (for him? for company in general?). It wasn't entirely unpleasant.

I had an interview with Margaret Hodge recruitment today. It wasn't fruitful. Although it was the best experience of my life, I think JET is hindering me in my search for work. I must return to university. I need to make a choice between a teaching (fees paid, good salary, guarantee of a job, not really what I want to do) and another vocation (pay own fees, no guarantee of work, but chance of finding something I feel good about). Bear in mind that I want to leave Scotland. With a teaching degree, I could pretty much do that straight away. With another vocation, I'd have to probably get a couple years work experience under my belt first. The comments link is below, use it folks! I want to know what you think, if you happen to be reading.

Right now I'm listening to the new Faithless album on MySpace. I find Maxi's voice ever so comforting. It's a great album, I reckon you should go and buy it.

I am reading the famous (in the UK at least) Scotland Street novels by Alexander McColl Smith. They are pretty good, not too challenging yet.

After I am done with Faithless, I shall go downstairs and hang with my parents, and eat some oat, raspberry and white chocolate cookies.

Second Wind

Yus, like Joe, I think it's time for some writing to be done here. Cause I'm lazy, I'm prolly going to do what he did and list.

GOOD THINGS: Keiko coming to visit last week and being truly awed by Edinburgh, reading a book called 'Left Bank', getting exctied about next weekend's trip to Comrie with the family, being told my Margaret Hodge Recruitment that I was a 'star candidate' (see below),

BAD THINGS: Lack of employment, lack of money, lack of social life due to lack of money, indeciveness, boredom.

Last week, I went to a jobs fair at the Corn Exchange in Edinburgh, where I met an ex-JET mow working for recruitment firm Margartet Hodge. She was impressed with my CV, told me not to worry about a thing, and that they'd be in touch. I give them til Thursday, then I'll call them.

Despite being bored, and really not knowing what the hell is going to happen to me, I am feeling pretty ok. I am getting my second wind. There are ways and ways of getting a job, and I think that I just need to go beyond what I thought was necessary to get one. I am not unemployable. I have lots of transferrable skills. I want to work hard, and I want pressure in my life.

But for the last couple of months, I have been missing my snuggle quota by rather a lot. I need a cuddle.

Autumn

It has finally arrived. Last weekend, the trees must have had a whispered Ent-like conference, because they have all decided, at long last, that it's time to turn lots of lovely colours, and shed their leaves. I think autumn is later in starting now than I remember it to be. This late in October, I'd have expected most leaves to be dead, if not shed yet, and maybe even a couple of morning frosts. But they are only just beginning to change colour, and while the mornings are cold, I don't think there have been any frosty ones. Unless I'm lying in bed too late to see it.

I actually did some socialising last week! On Tuesday, I met with Rach, and we had dinner in her apartment (which, by the way, is the coolest loft space I've ever seen). It was great just to sit and chat with her and Jake.

On Saturday, it was Kirsty's man Aly's birthday. The big 3-0. We went to a pub in town, where about 40 of his friends came and wished him a happy birthday. I knew very few people there, and felt a pang of shyness I haven't felt since before I left for Japan, so I pretty much stayed in the same place all night, and spoke to the people I knew. Hope this isn't a sign of things to come. After, they all decided to go out dancing, but I went back to Kirsty and Aly's where I was staying. I just didn't feel like going to one of the local meat-markets and trying to have a good time. Clubbing's fine, but I have be in a spot-on mood for it, and I just wasn't.

On Sunday, I went to ex Tokkers-Jet Rona's flat for lunch with her and her husband Nick. I had a lovely time, and Rona made quite a feast. Nick is now at Moray House, training to become an English teacher, so I made sure to pick his brain well and good. If I'm to go through with this teaching thing, a decision needs to be made really soon. Like before the end of this month. If I decide to do it, I'm looking at two years in Edinburgh, instead of the seven months I had in mind when I came home. That's pretty frightening, and I don't know if I want to spend that much time here. On the other hand, if I were to do that, it'd make immigrating to another country as a skilled worker that much easier.

I had a major Awa Odori pang yesterday. I had a longing to drink beer from a plastic cup while wandering around in my kimono, sharing jokes with the Minoda-ren mob, chewing the fat with Dave, and getting kancho'd from the kids. I even had a longing to see terrible little Keigo.

Jeremy Irons is on 'Who Do You Think You Are?' tonight. I can't wait. I want to drown in his voice!

Return of the Book Worm

When I arrived in Japan, my head was so totally fried after my honours years in Uni that I simply could not read anything for about a year. Pretty bad for someone who had previously lived for books. As time went by, I was able to choke down 'Memoirs of a Geisha', 'Harry Potter', and the wonderful '100 Years of Solitude', plus a few non-fiction titles, but my capacity to concentrate on a book was fairly diminished. Besides which, my life over there was so crazy-busy that I often didn't have the time or energy to read. My life WAS a novel!

But having arrived home, I have found to my total joy that my passion for reading fiction has returned. I've read about four books since coming home, two of them fiction, and I am overjoyed. Right now I'm reading something distinctly trashy and Bridget Jones-eque, but far less annoying. Not exactely brain food, but enjoyable nonetheless. Joe, stop that tutting, you literary snob.

My dream job is still proving elusive, sadly. I was actually offered a job this week, but turned it down. Maybe that constitutes looking the gift horse in the mouth, or cutting off my nose to spite (despite?) my face or something, but it was part-time, didn't sound like a really great job, and wasn't really something I saw myself getting passionate about. So I said no. The hunt continues, with four applications handed in yesterday for various shops in the city centre. Yes shops. Not career jobs, those things take the longest time to apply for that I really need something meantime to give me some money.

I have discovered that the central mosque in Edinburgh serves kick-ass food at lunchtime. I went with friend Alice the other day, and for £4.10, got a massive plate of rice, mild chicken curry, curried vegetables and can of soda. Delicious, and if I was a student, I'd be there every day (it's located right behind George Square, the main Uni campus).

I am going into town with mum and dad tomorrow, for dad is taking us to lunch at my favourite pub, the Bailie. The Bailie is not funky. It is not new. It is not The Place to go. It's dark, with red walls, used to be wonderfully smoky (pre ban era), and a fair lot of over 30s go there. it's in a basement, and in winter, I just love curling up there for an afternoon with friends, to get tipsy and talk about how to save the world. They serve out-of-this-world food, and I can't wait to get some tomorrow.

Yes. In my boredom, all I think about is food. Go on, gimme a job, you know you want to...

My thoughts are still pretty much all over the place. I can't decide whether I want to try to ground myself here for a good while, and allow myself to feel that home IS home again, or if I want to keep imagining myself out of here as soon as possible. There are good and bad things to both. Part of wants nothing more than to get my house back, get a new points card for Canonmills Tesco's, cook for friends, get to liking wine again, and not really looking beyond the cosy confines of the Ed. The other part of me keeps clicking onto friend's blogs in Africa, Canada, the US, Australia and yes of course, Japan, and thinking that THAT out there is where I want to be.

I saw Heinz the other day, and it was so so good to see him. For those not in the know (um pretty much everyone reading, I guess), Heinz was my Uni professor, and I have the biggest amount of respect for him. He once again pleaded with me to come back to the department (I said that it would always be on my mind, but knew that it would be a long long time before I could do that), and then asked me why I didn't just go into teaching. And you know, he's right. Why DON'T I just go into teaching? Well, for one thing, you can't and shouldn't JUST go into teaching. I think to be a teacher, you have to have this thirst for it. I maybe had that at one point, but not now. At least not yet now. But teaching is something I have done, something I can do, and something that, given a proper course in it, I think I could do well. So I guess it's an avenue of thought I have to visit.

I am feeling frustrated with life at the moment, and something needs to change.

On Waste

When reading this, forget things like euthanasia, that's not what I'm talking about.

On Saturday, I met up with an old flat mate of mine that I haven't seen in almost four years. It was great to see him, and hear all his news. He looks happy and healthy and all in all pretty good, so that's great. However, I did hear one sobering piece of news from him that hit home pretty hard.

When we were living together, I got to know some of his friends pretty well. I especially had time for this one guy, let's call him H, who was incredibly friendly, sociable and polite. I found H very easy to talk to, and without getting really close to him, I was always really glad that we were able to be friends. Well, on Saturday, my flate mate had to break it to me that about 18 months ago, H killed himself. He went to the roof of a uni library, floated to the ground, and when he got there, he was dead. I am so so shocked.

Sadly, this is not the first suicide I have had to deal with. Three years ago in January, my uncle hanged himself in his workshop. But when my family broke this news to me on a visit home, shocking as it was, it was easier to handle because they were able to tell me everything I needed to know. With H, it's not like that. My flat mate didn't seem able to talk about it, and I didn't like to further broach a painful subject that he had already dealt with and filed away. Like I say, H and I weren't super close, he was my flate mate's friend. So I somehow didn't feel I had a right to ask as much as I wanted.

When my uncle died, my family were able to relate to me all the sordid details surrounding his death. Horrible as it was, I was able to put the blame somewhere, and try to begin to understand what made him do it (though such questions can never be resolved). With H, there is this big fat "Why?" hanging over it. I can't begin to even speculate how this happy, confidant, wonderful guy went from being so well-adjusted to thinking that the only way things were going to get better was to kill himself. We were never in touch after I left the country, and I wasn't even in touch with the flat mate enough to get to talking about H. So I simply don't know.

What I do know is that I feel angry with him. Suicide is the ultimate in selfishness. I wasn't so close to my uncle. I wasn't close to H. But I can feel nothing but anger and hurt towards them. Until they spoke to every single person in the world that they knew, there was always another way to deal with whatever was going on. Always. I feel sad they are gone. Heartbroken. But also bitter. How dare they take themselves from us like that? Sure, it was their own lives, but what they obviously forgot is that with their life, they touched the lives of others around them. They had no right to decide to sever that in such a way. None.

But what gets me most about all of this is the waste involved. a A total waste of life. This guy, who would have been 23, 24 at the time, and had his whole life ahead of him. He was smart, funny, good-looking, and basically Full of Promise (those who have read Elizabeth Wurtzel's 'Prozac Nation' will get this reference). And now all that potential is gone, just like that. I wonder what he would have gone on to do. Probably he wouldn't have changed the world. Probably he wouldn't have been famous. That stuff doesn't matter. What does matter, is that if he had still been here, he would have still been in touch with people, making them feel good about themselves, making people happy they knew him.

Maybe it was just too much. Maybe he just didn't care anymore. I mean, if he did care, would he have done it?

I'll admit that I am no stranger to harmful thoughts myself. I don't want to go too far into it here, but I've been sad enough to want nothing more than to cause myself actual damage. Something to do with having something physically tangeable and painful to cry over, instead of the stressfulness of what's going on inside your head. But I've never, ever truly wanted to die.

A friend in Japan also recently lost a friend to suicide. I recall her feeling the exact same way I do now. Just totally at a loss as to why someone would do that. I tried to counsel her with the experience of my uncle's death. But then again, I was fortunate enough to know all the details surrounding that. She wasn't, and now neither am I. And it's the saddest, most puzzling and hurtful thing in the world.

This is the most personal thing I have ever written on this blog. I would like to say that I can't imagine any of my closest friends doing that to themselves, but neither would I have said my uncle or H would do it. So you know what? If you ever think about it, don't bother. I won't feel sorry for you. I'll be pissed off with you. Go and find help, for the love of God.

Shuffle shuffle

Hello dear readers, it's been a while since my last riveting post, so I thought I should say something.

The world of employment still eludes me. I heard from eca on Saturday that I wasn't even called to interview for the International Student Advisor's job. Curses uttered, imaginative walls kicked, and frowns worn, but I guess it's ok. After years of saying that I didn't believe in fate, I have decided to stop trying to convince everyone I am Neo-esque in my outlook. To a degree, it's all mapped out, I reckon, so I am thinking that that job simply wasn't for me. I am hoping the one at the Japanese Consulate will be. If not... well, others are in the pipeline too.

I met ex-Tokkers JET Rona on Saturday. It was cool to speak to someone who actually knew what I was talking about, but my head felt like it was going to split me in two, so a couple of times I sat in silence, willing the pain to subside so I could gab some more. Twas not to be though. I hobbled home clutching my head, willing it not to fall off. There will be other opportunities to chat uninhibited, I'm sure.

I had a semi-night out with Kirsty, the twins and Kerry on Friday. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I just can't justify a huge night on the town at the moment. The twins are Emma and Susan, friends of Kirsty's from Uni. Kerry is a mate from school. Good fun and good craic. We got a taxi from Kirsty's up town, and I haven't been in such a girly setting for ages and ages. I'd forgeooten how much a group of girls can gas and bitch when they get together!

Speaking of gassing, last Wednesday saw me standing outside that staple of Edinburgh coffee shops, Elephant and Bagels, waiting to meet Rachel. For those not in the know, Rach is one of my two best mates from Uni, and I hadn't seen her since before I left for Japan. We talked and talked and talked nonstop for two hours. Our emails to each other over the years haven't been particularly regular, but we were able to pick off rght where we left off, and I can't tell you how good that was. Now that she's up here for her masters', I am looking forward to lots of hot chocolates, dinners and just chatting sessions.

I am so so bored right now. I promise that my life (and hence my blogs) will get much more interesting once someone deems me respinsible enough to give me a job. Oh, the plans I have!! And I need to post some pictures soon too!

Still a Dangler at Heart

When I was living in Japan, I always used to get onto my friends and family for saying in their emails that "nothing was happening". Well... they were right. Nothing happens here. So to everyone who I lambasted for not writing me longer emails, I apologise. Life is empty and boring, you were right. ;)

Ok, I don't actually feel that terrible at all. There is plenty to write about, it's just not as obvious as it was in Japan, if you see what I mean.

The other day, David and I went to Alien Rock, our local (ish) climbing wall. I calculated that I hdn't been in about 4-5 years! I have to admit, I was a little nervous about clipping in that first time. What if I hadn't tied in properly? What if I had become a weak pansy who couldn't even pull herself up a grade 4? What if David had forgotten how to belay?! All my worries were, thankfully, unfounded. Tying a figure 8 is as easy now as it was then. I walked up the 4s and even some of the 4+s. David was up to his usual tricks, letting me abseil down to a few inches above the ground, then letting me dangle on the ATC til he felt like letting me down. It was a lot of fun, and although my out-of-condition forearms tired relatively quickly, I am eager to get back down there as soon as I can, and try to get myself up to, and then surpass, the level I climbed at years ago.

The job hunt is still going strong, but the waiting game is killer. My most exciting prospect at the moment is the post of Political and Economic Researcher at the Japanese consulate in Edinburgh. The salary hasn't been decided yet, and as it's not a very high-profile position, it'll likely be peanuts. However, I think I'd be willing to work for peanuts if it meant I could still have some sort of link to Japan. I really need to get something small to keep me going money wise. But the big jobs take such a long time to apply for, that by the time I'm done with those, I am really tired, and just want to have a cup of tea.

My boxes from Japan still haven't arrived. I think they probably have a week or so to go until I can start worrying though. There's nothing hugely important in them, but one does have my winter clothes, and the others contain all those gubbins that remind you of home: the pictures, the CDs, the books, the little wooden Buddha that Anya brought you from Cambodia, that used to act as poker button on Friday nights at your place. Sentimental stuff that you can look at and smile.

My state of mind is much improved, which is great. Being here still feels odd, uncomfortable and cold, but I have regular contact with most of the important people back east, and I feel confident in saying that, unless great big things happen, I won't be here for long. But you know... that consulate job, even if it is mule's work, could lead to good things. That could be the thing that kept me in Edinburgh longer than I am planning now.

Thanks Rona for that heads up, by the way! I emailed you from the JETAA site. Did you get it?

Must Stop Doing This to Myself

Aaargh! Just read Smitha's blog (hey Smitha!) and about how all the westies went for karaoke in Mikamo and had a great night and blah blah blah... definite lurch of the stomach and stinging of the eyes. I really should not keep such a close track of life back in Tokkers, as it will only make life that much harder for me out here. But you know, with nothing on my hands but time at the moment... it's hard to let go.

I had kind of a downer today anyway, so I'll bet that when I am up, I won't feel as inclined to go clicking round blogs of yore. They're all just such good writers, though, and more often than not, it's really good to read what people are up to.

I saw Jane today, which was good. She has a new job lined up, starting next week. Imagine, our wee Jane finally a lawyer! Good for her.

I also saw Pernilla! Oh my oh my, it was SO good to see Perny again! She's sort of as down as me, having just graduated from Glasgow School of Art in Embroidery, but not finding the scene in Glasgow to be really buzzing just now. She's heading back to Malmo next month for a break and to gather her thoughts. She looks great though, in the quirky, unique way that only Pernilla can look great.

Sex and the City day turned out to be a so-so affair. It was good to get out and meet new people, but you know, all these people have families, are in their 30s and live in places like Curry and West Calder, so it's not as if I really networked. And some, who shall remain nameless, are total snobs, even worse than the pseudo-snobbery I put on to piss my friends off. True snobs, and they weren't brought up like that.

I heard from Vivi today too, and that was great! I miss Vivi and her ray of sunshine smile. Man, I am planning a MASSIVE trip around NA, I can tell you. I tried to link to Vivi's new website, but I think my blogger template is really screwed, so intead I'll list it here for now.

Back on the job hunt tomorrow. I wish I could give myself more time to get used to this country again, but I really need an income, and idleness does not become me.

On Being Back Part 1

So I've been back a few days now. Primary reflections of an alien in her own home:

Firstly, this is NOT my home. I am in Roslin (yeah, that place from The Da Vinci Code) at my parents house, which is simply cavernous. Except the folks aren't here. They're in Canada, and I am here with the sweet, batty grandparents. I haven't LIVED here for six years. my room is exactely the way it was when I graduated high school (all suns and moons, Kurt Cobain posters, wind shimes and fairy lights). It's sort of depressing, but sort of comforting. Sort of like returning to the womb.

I went for a walk yesterday in Roslin, and for the first time that I can recall, I didn't see a single person I knew. Where did everyone go? I guess Roslin is an attractive suburb, with good local schools, and has seen an influx of new families. The Chapel is simply crawling with tourists, and there is a big new car park on Crawford's field where we used to go sledging in winter. Sad. Interesting. Progressive.

In doing my washing, it never fails to delight me to see my clothes come out CLEAN, not covered in lint, and smelling nice.

I went to Fopp in Cockburn Street (pronounced Co-burn for all you non-Edinburghites) the other day, and was immediatley transpoted into paroxysms of delight at the sight of all the new non-Jpop music... all sorts of stuff that I wanna share with people everywhere. Some special people are gonna be gettin' some special CDs through the mail in the future.

It is light here until a ridiculous hour at night, meaning I think the night is still young, when it is, in fact, 10pm. Nuts.

I went to Boots today and was BOWLED OVER at the cosmetics on offer. I mean.. where am I supposed to start? I guess it was the same in Japan, but I could easily ignore most of it, given I couldn't understand the packaging. But today, I found myself puzzling over blackhead prevention facial scrub, and deep-down daily facial scrub. Whatever happened to a simple scrub? I went for the daily stuff. Also, I love how in Japan the body lotions have whitener in them, and the ones here have bronzer in them!

I have been pouring over cookery books, planning my first assault on the kitchen. I am ITCHING to do some cooking again.

I saw some cows today and was all sorts of happy over seeing them. They just aren't seen in my part of Japan. These were beautiful big balck and white beasts with soft brown eyes, in a GRASSY field. Divine.

Amyway... just some random observations.

Snow Patrol with Kirsty tomorrow. Lunch with Jill on Saturday. Sex and the City day on Sunday. Glasgow to meet Jane and visit Perny on Monday. Excitement. Miss having a bloke friend on hand...

On Being Back Part 1

Home Is Where the Heart Is.

Hello all. I am back. The day dream hath ended. Now I can no longer cackle in ignorant bliss at the phrase 'income tax'. I made a new friend yesterday called Stephanie, and she is my account manager at RBOS. All of a sudden, I am a grown-up, and I have Stuff To Do.

My last couple of weeks in Japan were busy, stressful, wonderful, sad and unforgettable. I spent a week or so living and working at Happy Raft as General Bitch About the Base, making lunches, serving tea, answering questions and the like. I lived in the guidehouse with Dave, which I doubt even the most hardened of outdoor type dudes would warm to. I mean, if the boys of the house find the toilet too grim to even pee into, how was a girly gonna manage? Well, I didn't, I made do with a bush, and saved the rest for the lovely flusher at the base. Other than the nasty house, the time at the base was.... hard work, exhausting, but a welcome change from being sat at my desk in Miyoshi-chu, wanting to be outside.

On the 9th, Sally arrived. She looked scared. And it took her a while to stop looking scared. But by the time I took my leave of her, she was beginning to relax. She's very different to me, I think, but that's a good thing. It's excellent for the kids to be exposed to all sorts of foreigners.

Obon was exhausting, and emotional, but a lot of fun. Minoda-ren gave me a poster panel of the poster I feature on this year. People cried, and told me to come back next year. The ren has been like a family to me these three years, so bidding them farewell really hurt.

The eikaiwa class gave me a truly wonderful send-off as only they can. Amazing food, entirely too many presents, and a whole lotta love.

Hanna and Kuni were simply wonderful at putting me up, and holding onto my stupid amount of baggage while I was homeless. They really made the whole thing less stressful for me. Looking forward to showing them the same sort of hospitality whenever they come out to Scotland.

My goodbye to Joe was wonderful. We were walking along the street after Awa Odori with the noobs in Tokushima, and he said "I don't want to talk to you anymore Ellie". And I said "That's fine, I don't want to talk to you either". And we didn't, we walked off in opposite directions. It was funny and sweet, because if it hadn't been like that, it would have been messy.

Of course the hardest goodbyes were Dave and Nate. I said goodbye to Nate twice. His Dad was visiting, and on the day of our first goodbye (the final day of dancing too), I spent a wonderful morning with them at the onsen and later on at the beautiful Kurozo marshland between Nishiiya and Ikeda. Nate's Dad is an incredibly warm-hearted, big bear of a man. I took to him immediatley, and was able to see where Nate gets a least some of his traits from. Lovely. They came to see me dance, along with the whole gaggle of Miyoshi-gun noobs, and I was so happy to see familiar faces in the crowds. They drove me home after dancing, after I said goodbye to the ren. And although I didn't cry when I said bye to Nate, I had to go and lock myself in the bathroom to howl for a good 10 minutes when I got into the apartment. Poor Sally must have felt a bit awkward.

Luckily, I got a second goodbye cuddle from Nate a few days later, and I didn't cry this time either. I think cause I was spent from crying so much, but also because he made me feel loved and missed, and somehow that took the edge off.

My goodbye to Dave was, as not as... drawn-out as I had planned. A good thing? It was sad, I cried a heap, told him I loved him, and left not sure if we would ever see eachother again, despite me being so sure we would previously. Tough one. I can't talk about it too much, I am still crying over him not being close to me.

Japan tried to send me off by charging me an extra 8.5,an for excess baggage. I nearly died. A nice man decided to knock it down to 3.5man for me. Screw you Japan, love you Lufthansa man!

I am home, and cold, and not really believeing that I am here to stay. Odd feeling. Need a job, need to get some friends. But I only want Nate and Dave and Joe and Jordan and Jenna and Amber and Tera and Kelly and Anya. And everyone else back in Japan or wherever you are.

Stay tuned, people, it's going to be an interesting time of it.

Sayonara pictures coming as soon as I figure out how to hook my camera (on its last legs) up to Daddy's computer.

I LOVE YOU ALL AND MISS YOU TREMENDOUSLY.

2.5 weeks....

Man, I am so ready to be outta here. I am have telling everyone this, and I am sick of talking about it, so I'll say no more. But yes, that is my feeling.

Things have been cer-azy recently. Mad parties up at Sean's, getting totally floored by a cold, cleaning, packing, seeking out alternative accomodation for when I lose the house, enkais, dancing... yup, with all that, really it's no wonder I got sick.

Sean's party was a blast. Two weeks ago, up at his amazingly renovated house in Higashiiya. It was a very esoteric crowd, it was an odd party, but a good one. Me and Nate smoked cigars. I saw Dave. I felt love for everyone there. I enjoyed the speactacle of seeing Sean get totally wasted. And his ensuing hangover the next day. I also enjoyed swimming in Nate's river the next day with Anya-chan and Nacho himself.

My house looks amazing. It has been gutted. It is clean. It is tidy. And I have SO MUCH stuff to send home. Mum and Dad'll have a fit. Man, I feel like I still have a lot to do. I really would just rather have it all over now.

Not much else to tell, and not any time to tell it in, so you'll just have to wait. :)

School's out for summer!

Yup, that is it. The last farewell speech. The last bunch of flowers (I hope!). Probably not the last tears cried, but hopefully close.

I won't dwell on it all here. It's in my head for now, and I haven't the energy to regurgitate it all yet. I have my final teacher's enkai tonight, which I hope will be a blast, then on holiday for a week, then back for a final few days to sort out the desk and other loose ends, then I am done.

People are away already. Andy left last Friday. Stu on Monday there. Such a strange feeling.

Today, I applied for a job. Eek! As an academic adviser with the Uni of Edinburgh! Sounds right up my street, but the interviews will be held August 7th, and I'm not going to be around for that. So the hope is that I've sold myself well enough to presuade them to wait for me.

Also done some kanji study today.

I haven't much else to write for now. I have the music issue of Nylon magazine, and it's full of cool-sounding new bands. So now I'm going to look for some free MP3s online.

It's raining like a mofo.

Sayonara Weekend

Firstly, thanks to Rona for the comment she posted on my previous entry. Will look out for you at JETAA.

Aaaaah! This weekend. It was really pretty huge. It was happy. It was so very sad. It was relaxing. It was exciting. It was very very.

Friday started with what will probably be the last poker night we'll have. It wasn't as fun as I had expected. We played for too much money, and as a result everyone played very conservartively, and we didn't get much excitement going on. However, I always enjoy my time with Joe, Jordan, Julie and Nate, so from that perspective, it was a good time.

On Saturday, I was met off the stupid-early train by Terlynn and Amber, and we drove aaaall the way down to Ikumi beach, so they could surf, and I could watch, and make sand angels and swim in the ocean. It was an overcast day, but it was good. There's something wonderful about the feel of the sea air in your lungs, your hair going all stiff with salt, wandering around in flip-flops with your skin all sandy, and eating big burgers for lunch after a morning playing hard. It was relaxing in a way I haven't been relaxed in a while.

Saturday night was the Sayonara Party. I had been looking forward to this beause it's the one night of the year when EVERYONE apart from the most hardened recluse comes out. This year, something changed, and while the vast majority of JETs were there, lots weren't and I was quite disappointed. However, the people who were there are ones who have rocked my world this year, so it was all good. First of all I FINALLY got a ride on Noam's motorbike! I was so happy! I never see that Kat, so the first I said when I saw him was "You owe me a ride!". So we went! On the roads surrounding the campground. It was a lot of fun. Noam only had his helmet, so we took it easy. It was exhilirating all the same. On our travels, we spied a massive climbing frame, just begging to be exlored by semi-naked/inebriated JETs. So we went back, grabbed Amber Teralynn and Smitha, changed back into our swimmies (as by this times it was raining), and went to play. Such fun! But I have a well-bruised behind today from going on the damn roller slide.

The party went on as most JET parties do. Rory got too drunk. BJ played some cool tunes. We danced some. Took lots of pictures. Chatted. A bunch of us decided to hit the sack about 11.30pm. And so it was time for my first proper goodbyes.

It hurt a lot. First came Jenna, and I wasn't feeling like I was going to cry at all, since she looked so strong. Then came Amber, who made the mistake of saying "Don't you cry", thus opening the floodgates. And once I started I couldn't stop. It felt so utterly wrong to be saying goodbye to people who mean so much to me, and my head and my heart were all asking me why I was doing this. I had a miserble night, couldn't sleep well, and kept on tearing up. Ugh.

In the morning, it was raining really heavily, but that soon gave way to a blue sky and blazing sunshine. Still feeling down, I had planned on getting home as quickly as possible so I could wallow in self-pity, and get some sleep. But it was really a great day, so I decided to tag along with Nate and Ben who were going climbing in nearby Hiwasa. Teralyn came too, and of course Ben's wife Julia.

It was a wonderfully relaxing afternoon. It was difficult for us girls to get down to the base of the routes the boys wanted to climb, as we were only in flip flops, and the walk called for some proper scrambling. So instead, we clambered up to the top of the cliffs, and secured ourselves a great vantage point. We spent a wonderful three hours or so simply taking in the view of the ocean, watching the boys do their thing (wished to goodness I could have joined in! Oh for my rock boots!), and chatting about all manner of things. It was really a lovely way to spend the day. It was a little overcast, but really warm and breezy, so I am sporting a nice red back today, despite creaming up. Rats.

We then went for dinner at a Canadian burger restaurant, before I headed for the train home. Arriving home at 10.30pm, I was wiped out, emotional, but oddly relaxed.

I simply can't place my feelings now. I am heartbroken that the goodbyes have started, but I also wish they were over already, so that I didn't feel so bad. I think what affected me most on Saturday night was not saying goodbye to people, although that was incredibly painful, but witnessing the way that those who were not leaving were enjoying themselves. For them, Saturday was mostly just another party. I know that they will miss us. But they have a fresh bunch of people coming who will all be equally as special in their own way, and while they'll once in a while maybe think "Gosh, wish Ellie/Amber/Joe was here to enjoy this", they'll be cool, because while we're not there with them, others are. It was hard for me to see friendships growing on Saturday night between people who have a year or two left together knowing that, for the most part, my own friendships with these people have gone as far as they're going to. Even writing that is gut-wrenching. There are one or two people I am leaving, and I so wish I had had more time with them. How I wish for that.

So, to the people reading this who have been with me here, and to The People reading this (I hope The People know who they are): I love you so much, and leaving you will leave a hole in my heart that will never be filled in. Know you are special, know you are amazing, and know that no matter where or when, I will be here for you when you want or need me.

Weary

It's been a while since my last post. Why? Don't know. Just haven't felt like writing, I suppose.

My body hates me for constantly putting it in harms way. I am afflicted with all manner of little ills at the moment, all combining to exhaust me and worry me. I'm sure none of them are at all serious, but it's just a crappy time for me to be feeling ill, when I should be feeling super-healthy and happy. Meh.

James sent me a book to read which he translated from French. He's such a clever-clogs, he is! It's a history of France in the 17th century, but related from the standpoint that women, love and sex were major reasons for some of that period's most important events. It's funny and informative, and while I'm not sure how respected the work is in historic circles, it does give a good outline of the events which shaped France.

This weekend is the Sayonara Party. Wow. But we are expecting a typhoon. And we're supposed to be camping. Damn.

Last weekend was the Taj Ultimate Frisbee tourny which, if I had been feeling 100%, and if I'd had more than 30mins sleep on Friday night, would have rocked my socks. Lets say it rocked one sock. The other was concerned with ongoing stomach trouble after taking antibiotics for impetigo, coping with gnat bites (OW!), and trying to stay alert enough to catch the frisbee. The sock didn't do so well, and I played for peanuts.

I am dreaming of.... sandwiches from Bar Italia, shopping in Newington, going to the Cameo on rainy Friday nights, doctors who speak English, trying out new recipes, feeling healthy.