It's been literally years since I last blogged about my little life. I am an avid blog reader, though, and have lately been feeling the need to get back into blogging.
So here we go, trying this blog thang again, hoping that you find some inspiration or at least some positivity in here, and hoping also that by writing again, I may also inspire myself! Now, I'm off to play around with blogger, see you in a while when I am ready to share something!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Entertaining
Our summer continues to be miserable. My skin is not brown. It does not glow. What gives?
Anyhoo, I decided the other week that it was high time I had some people round for chat and grub. I LOVE cooking for people, I enjoy using them as Guinea pigs, and they seem to enjoy being cooked for. With Rach, I decided to put my Christmas soup cook book into action, and made a really yummy chilli crab and butternut squash soup. Pretty good if I do say so myself. With Katy, just last night, I was presented with more of a challenge: what DOES one cook a vegetarian wheat allergy sufferer? In the end it was a korma with prawns, green beans and more butternut squash (I love the stuff), then apricots poached in Grand Marnier on a meringue nest with whipped cream. Hee, my presentation skills leave a lot to be desired, and the korma was a little bland, but it was ok. Katy brought round a fantastic bottle of Ruggeri, and I am not enjoying the last half of it right now.
I had more culinary happiness when I met Rona and Nick for sushi a couple of Fridays ago. It was GOOD sushi! I really wish the Yo! sushi place hadn't closed down...
Tomorrow, I am very excited, as I am off to play Ultimate Frisbee on the Meadows! Whee! I've always suspected it was a game I might love, and that was confirmed during my last Japan year, when games were organised semi-regularly. I don't know anyone I am going to play with, I saw the ad on Gumtree, but I guess that's half the fun.
Speaking of Gumtree... does anyone reading have any opinion on social clubs? In the past, I always felt they were an organisation for people with below-par social skills who needed organised fun on order to meet people. Social crutches. And they always seemed to have a secondary 'dating service' theme to them, which I always found highly off-putting, and even sad and desperate. Now, after moving back to the city, it seems to have become a much more normal way of meeting people and taking part in any hobbies you have. It doesn't seem to be a last resort for social gooseberrys. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
Last week, I was pointed in the direction of a WONDERFUL music website, Pandora.com. You have to be in the US to become a full member (so I made a zip code up) but if you get in, it's a fantastic way of finding new music. I'll for sure be making some iTunes purchases based on what I have heard on that site. Currently reading the 'Tales of the City' series, and thoroughly enjoying them, even if I have started to say "Far out" to most anything. I wanted to write more, but the Ruggeri is having none of it. It is demanding I go and lie on the couch, switch on the Open, peruse the employment pages, and then possibly fall asleep until tea time. Sounds good to me!
Anyhoo, I decided the other week that it was high time I had some people round for chat and grub. I LOVE cooking for people, I enjoy using them as Guinea pigs, and they seem to enjoy being cooked for. With Rach, I decided to put my Christmas soup cook book into action, and made a really yummy chilli crab and butternut squash soup. Pretty good if I do say so myself. With Katy, just last night, I was presented with more of a challenge: what DOES one cook a vegetarian wheat allergy sufferer? In the end it was a korma with prawns, green beans and more butternut squash (I love the stuff), then apricots poached in Grand Marnier on a meringue nest with whipped cream. Hee, my presentation skills leave a lot to be desired, and the korma was a little bland, but it was ok. Katy brought round a fantastic bottle of Ruggeri, and I am not enjoying the last half of it right now.
I had more culinary happiness when I met Rona and Nick for sushi a couple of Fridays ago. It was GOOD sushi! I really wish the Yo! sushi place hadn't closed down...
Tomorrow, I am very excited, as I am off to play Ultimate Frisbee on the Meadows! Whee! I've always suspected it was a game I might love, and that was confirmed during my last Japan year, when games were organised semi-regularly. I don't know anyone I am going to play with, I saw the ad on Gumtree, but I guess that's half the fun.
Speaking of Gumtree... does anyone reading have any opinion on social clubs? In the past, I always felt they were an organisation for people with below-par social skills who needed organised fun on order to meet people. Social crutches. And they always seemed to have a secondary 'dating service' theme to them, which I always found highly off-putting, and even sad and desperate. Now, after moving back to the city, it seems to have become a much more normal way of meeting people and taking part in any hobbies you have. It doesn't seem to be a last resort for social gooseberrys. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
Last week, I was pointed in the direction of a WONDERFUL music website, Pandora.com. You have to be in the US to become a full member (so I made a zip code up) but if you get in, it's a fantastic way of finding new music. I'll for sure be making some iTunes purchases based on what I have heard on that site. Currently reading the 'Tales of the City' series, and thoroughly enjoying them, even if I have started to say "Far out" to most anything. I wanted to write more, but the Ruggeri is having none of it. It is demanding I go and lie on the couch, switch on the Open, peruse the employment pages, and then possibly fall asleep until tea time. Sounds good to me!
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Low Place Like Home
Due to various stuffs, I haven't blogged in a good long while, so a fair bit has been going on. I guess.
1- Return to the Hood. At long last. Almost a year after my return to Scotland, I have finally made it back to big, bad Leith Walk. I am actually home. It is weird. I am not sure how I feel yet. Well, no. I am. I am relishing my space again. I am walking round naked. Bathing with the bathroom door open. Watching The Daily Show on a daily basis. Getting up at a civil hour, instead of the 5.20am madness I was enduring in Roslin. I get to shop for the stuff I want. Go to bed late, and make long distance phonecalls. However, I also get to worry about tax. The price of milk. How much electricity I'm burning. Whether I have enough clean clothes for the next 24 hours. All normal stuff, but all stuff that, to some degree, I haven't had to worry so much about in the last 3.75 years. Even in Japan, when I was living alone, none of it felt that real, there was some sort of diminished responsibility at work on my persona. It feels real here. I'm also without a housemate, the first time I've lived alone in Edinburgh. I am sometimes loving it, sometimes wishing I had someone to bounce things off at the end of the day. It's mostly good, though.
2-Tsujino-san. This old Japanese guy at school just now. He's just the best. He is no more significant an ojiisan than any of the other old guys I encountered out in Japan, except that he decided to come to Edinburgh to study English. Excited to meet with someone I knew would be impressed at my (rapidly diminishing) grasp of the Japanese language, I bounced into the student lounge last Monday morning, walked up to him, and introduced myself in my most polite Japanese. Never missing a beat, he gave me his best English introduction. "Bless", thinks me, "He wants to do it in English". The next day, I enquired, in Japanese again, how he had enjoyed himself at his host's granddaughter's third birthday party. A shocked look came across his face, and he took a couple of steps backward. "Why...?", he stammered, "How...?". Smiling, and shaking my head with the false modesty I had become used to displaying in Japan, I started to explain that I had lived there for three years, but that really, my Japanese wasn't all that great. He stopped me. No, no. He wanted to know how I had known about the birthday party, and I had to explain (in English) that his host had told me about it in a recent phone conversation. Bit of a wake up call! Not all Japanese people care that you can utter a few phrases (badly) in their native tongue. I felt suitably reprimanded, even though dear old Tsujino-san had never intended to show me up like that. It wasn't embarrasing or anything. It was actually refreshing to encounter someone Japanese who didn't give a damn that I could hold a basic conversation with them. But it was a timely reminder not to get ahead of myself. And not to pigeon-hole Japanese people.
3- Iris Murdoch: I am reading the biography of her written by her husband, John Bayley. It's the most beautiful, unsentimental love story I have ever encountered. She was not perfect. And because she knew this, and John knew this, she became perfect to him. I came across this particular passage:
"And so married life began. And the joys of solitude. No contradiction was involved. The one went perfectly with the other. To feel oneself held and cherished and accompanied, and yet to be alone. To be closely and physically entiwned, and yet feel solitude's friendly presence, as warm and undesolating as contiguity itself."
This just blows me away. Expanding it to any close relationship you care to imagine between humans, I feel like this is truly what it means to know another person absolutely, and be totally ok with not talking to, or even being with them 24/7. I have sometimes felt with some relationships (whether they are with friends, lovers or parents) that there is some sort of expectation to always talk, always know what the other is thinking, always know where they are, who they're with and what they're doing. I have a hard time giving myself over completely like that, but part of me felt like it was necessary. But really, it's not. I think what Bayley said perfectly captured the thoughts floating in my head, but which I was unable to pin down. I wonder now how many people are lucky enough to find someone with whom they feel comfortable enough to let solitude enter the relationship. I think that these days, too many people are afraid of being alone, and so they constantly push at each other to share everything, to talk constantly. When they wake up feeling alone, even though their partner is lying beside them, they take it as a bad sign. I wonder how many marriages, or friendships or whatever, would be made better by each person embracing this feeling of solitude rather than running from it. It's a difficult line of thought to unravel. And I think there's a danger of taking 'solitude' too literally here. But I like the idea of being so at one with another person that I don't feel afraid when I sense them withdrawing into themselves for a time. It's something I have felt with one or two very close friendships I've had.
4- Lack of summer. It was someting stupid like 10 degress yesterday. We are about to come across the longest day of the year, and we are still getting 10 degree days. This country sucks. No wonder the entire population is miserable.
5- Andy. I just found this guy, he works at my school. We don't see each other so much during the week, but always go out on Friday after work for a few drinks. He is an exellent conversationalist, and looks like a less-wacky version of Russel Brand. He tried to brainwash me with SNP politics last Friday there, but I was sort of tipsy by then, and was just nodding in the right places, and making noises of disagreement in others. He bakes. He drinks Bailey's. And he wears Converse trainers with second-hand suits. Sadly, I have to say goodbye to my new friend this week, as he's jetting off to Italy to be with his girlfriend over there. Friday afternoons won't be the same again!
Today I went out for a walk down to Ocean Terminal (a big mall, located right on the shore). I wandered, bought a book, and spent too much money on Marks & Spencer food. I am now stuffed full of chicken supreme, profiteroles and orange and raspeberry juice. Tomorrow is Monday. I didn't even mention the ridiculous shape my professional life is in. It's just too awful to waste time writing about it here.
Umm.... Joe are you happy now?
1- Return to the Hood. At long last. Almost a year after my return to Scotland, I have finally made it back to big, bad Leith Walk. I am actually home. It is weird. I am not sure how I feel yet. Well, no. I am. I am relishing my space again. I am walking round naked. Bathing with the bathroom door open. Watching The Daily Show on a daily basis. Getting up at a civil hour, instead of the 5.20am madness I was enduring in Roslin. I get to shop for the stuff I want. Go to bed late, and make long distance phonecalls. However, I also get to worry about tax. The price of milk. How much electricity I'm burning. Whether I have enough clean clothes for the next 24 hours. All normal stuff, but all stuff that, to some degree, I haven't had to worry so much about in the last 3.75 years. Even in Japan, when I was living alone, none of it felt that real, there was some sort of diminished responsibility at work on my persona. It feels real here. I'm also without a housemate, the first time I've lived alone in Edinburgh. I am sometimes loving it, sometimes wishing I had someone to bounce things off at the end of the day. It's mostly good, though.
2-Tsujino-san. This old Japanese guy at school just now. He's just the best. He is no more significant an ojiisan than any of the other old guys I encountered out in Japan, except that he decided to come to Edinburgh to study English. Excited to meet with someone I knew would be impressed at my (rapidly diminishing) grasp of the Japanese language, I bounced into the student lounge last Monday morning, walked up to him, and introduced myself in my most polite Japanese. Never missing a beat, he gave me his best English introduction. "Bless", thinks me, "He wants to do it in English". The next day, I enquired, in Japanese again, how he had enjoyed himself at his host's granddaughter's third birthday party. A shocked look came across his face, and he took a couple of steps backward. "Why...?", he stammered, "How...?". Smiling, and shaking my head with the false modesty I had become used to displaying in Japan, I started to explain that I had lived there for three years, but that really, my Japanese wasn't all that great. He stopped me. No, no. He wanted to know how I had known about the birthday party, and I had to explain (in English) that his host had told me about it in a recent phone conversation. Bit of a wake up call! Not all Japanese people care that you can utter a few phrases (badly) in their native tongue. I felt suitably reprimanded, even though dear old Tsujino-san had never intended to show me up like that. It wasn't embarrasing or anything. It was actually refreshing to encounter someone Japanese who didn't give a damn that I could hold a basic conversation with them. But it was a timely reminder not to get ahead of myself. And not to pigeon-hole Japanese people.
3- Iris Murdoch: I am reading the biography of her written by her husband, John Bayley. It's the most beautiful, unsentimental love story I have ever encountered. She was not perfect. And because she knew this, and John knew this, she became perfect to him. I came across this particular passage:
"And so married life began. And the joys of solitude. No contradiction was involved. The one went perfectly with the other. To feel oneself held and cherished and accompanied, and yet to be alone. To be closely and physically entiwned, and yet feel solitude's friendly presence, as warm and undesolating as contiguity itself."
This just blows me away. Expanding it to any close relationship you care to imagine between humans, I feel like this is truly what it means to know another person absolutely, and be totally ok with not talking to, or even being with them 24/7. I have sometimes felt with some relationships (whether they are with friends, lovers or parents) that there is some sort of expectation to always talk, always know what the other is thinking, always know where they are, who they're with and what they're doing. I have a hard time giving myself over completely like that, but part of me felt like it was necessary. But really, it's not. I think what Bayley said perfectly captured the thoughts floating in my head, but which I was unable to pin down. I wonder now how many people are lucky enough to find someone with whom they feel comfortable enough to let solitude enter the relationship. I think that these days, too many people are afraid of being alone, and so they constantly push at each other to share everything, to talk constantly. When they wake up feeling alone, even though their partner is lying beside them, they take it as a bad sign. I wonder how many marriages, or friendships or whatever, would be made better by each person embracing this feeling of solitude rather than running from it. It's a difficult line of thought to unravel. And I think there's a danger of taking 'solitude' too literally here. But I like the idea of being so at one with another person that I don't feel afraid when I sense them withdrawing into themselves for a time. It's something I have felt with one or two very close friendships I've had.
4- Lack of summer. It was someting stupid like 10 degress yesterday. We are about to come across the longest day of the year, and we are still getting 10 degree days. This country sucks. No wonder the entire population is miserable.
5- Andy. I just found this guy, he works at my school. We don't see each other so much during the week, but always go out on Friday after work for a few drinks. He is an exellent conversationalist, and looks like a less-wacky version of Russel Brand. He tried to brainwash me with SNP politics last Friday there, but I was sort of tipsy by then, and was just nodding in the right places, and making noises of disagreement in others. He bakes. He drinks Bailey's. And he wears Converse trainers with second-hand suits. Sadly, I have to say goodbye to my new friend this week, as he's jetting off to Italy to be with his girlfriend over there. Friday afternoons won't be the same again!
Today I went out for a walk down to Ocean Terminal (a big mall, located right on the shore). I wandered, bought a book, and spent too much money on Marks & Spencer food. I am now stuffed full of chicken supreme, profiteroles and orange and raspeberry juice. Tomorrow is Monday. I didn't even mention the ridiculous shape my professional life is in. It's just too awful to waste time writing about it here.
Umm.... Joe are you happy now?
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Triumph of the Serbian Lesbians
Yes, last night it was time once again to bring out the scoresheets and leave behind normal standards of cultural acceptance as Europe errupted in a wave of bad taste: the Eurovision Song Contest 2007.
For those unitiated readers, Eurovision is gayer than Liberaci. Tackier than Anna Nicole Smith (God rest her poor soul). And more eagerly awaited in the United States of Europe than the football World Cup. Ok, maybe not, but you get the picture. Each country in Europe enters a group and song, and they perform it all in one night in a country in Europe (typically the winners of the previous year's tournament). Not having been around for it in a few years, I was psyched to head to Kirsty's last night for a Eurovision party. Well, yeah it was pretty shocking, and the members of the Dewar party were gobsmacked and indignant at Serbia winning, since we had judged them to one of the worst entries. Think a plump KD Lang, surrounded by femme (but scary) bitches, singing her broken heart to the world. Shudder. However, since I had awarded the most points to these horrors out of all guests at the party, I won me a mini bottle of champers, and a 'Bucks Fizz Greatest Hits' CD, Bucks Fizz having won Eurovision for Britain in years of yore. Really, the whole thing is a political 'scratch our back, we'll scratch yours' with bloc voting running amok. Pah!
Much further up the good taste scale is the German film 'Lives of Others' which I caught with Ms Dewar last weekend. It's about the moral dilemmas of an East German Stasi officer, assigned to spy on a couple of liberal, intellectual artists. Really great film, with a beautiful ending.
It's brass monkeys again though. The sun must have decided that it wore itself out in April, and has sulked off to another part of the world, leaving this miserable little island to bathe in drizzle and gloom.
I got wonderfully drunk at a party last Friday, and I think I may have insulted my new boss. I hope not. But if I did.... well, I shall act like I didn't.
I also had an awesome dream last night, where I was a bad-ass cop who shot a warehouse up, then drove away in Dave CC's old Honda Civic.
Currently listening to Gym Class Heroes.
For those unitiated readers, Eurovision is gayer than Liberaci. Tackier than Anna Nicole Smith (God rest her poor soul). And more eagerly awaited in the United States of Europe than the football World Cup. Ok, maybe not, but you get the picture. Each country in Europe enters a group and song, and they perform it all in one night in a country in Europe (typically the winners of the previous year's tournament). Not having been around for it in a few years, I was psyched to head to Kirsty's last night for a Eurovision party. Well, yeah it was pretty shocking, and the members of the Dewar party were gobsmacked and indignant at Serbia winning, since we had judged them to one of the worst entries. Think a plump KD Lang, surrounded by femme (but scary) bitches, singing her broken heart to the world. Shudder. However, since I had awarded the most points to these horrors out of all guests at the party, I won me a mini bottle of champers, and a 'Bucks Fizz Greatest Hits' CD, Bucks Fizz having won Eurovision for Britain in years of yore. Really, the whole thing is a political 'scratch our back, we'll scratch yours' with bloc voting running amok. Pah!
Much further up the good taste scale is the German film 'Lives of Others' which I caught with Ms Dewar last weekend. It's about the moral dilemmas of an East German Stasi officer, assigned to spy on a couple of liberal, intellectual artists. Really great film, with a beautiful ending.
It's brass monkeys again though. The sun must have decided that it wore itself out in April, and has sulked off to another part of the world, leaving this miserable little island to bathe in drizzle and gloom.
I got wonderfully drunk at a party last Friday, and I think I may have insulted my new boss. I hope not. But if I did.... well, I shall act like I didn't.
I also had an awesome dream last night, where I was a bad-ass cop who shot a warehouse up, then drove away in Dave CC's old Honda Civic.
Currently listening to Gym Class Heroes.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
スコットランドの桜
I was somewhat surprised and impressed at the domestic display of cherry blossoms this spring. Of course, I've always known that Scotland has cherry trees, and that they have wonderful blossoms. But because I was sort of looking for them more this year, there appeared to be more than I previously thought, and they were every bit as impressive as their Japanese counterparts. They don't occur in the same concentrations as they do over there, and neither do people revere them as much. But I was comforted by the sight of something I have come to associate closely with Japan.
Sakura in Japan is the signifier of new beginnings, of changes, and of a time to reflect on the past. The frenetic pace of life in Edinburgh isn't really giving me much time to reflect at the moment, and I feel like I'm zooming along at an alarming rate without the chance to breathe and take it all in. My house is gradually becoming more inhabitable, I am making real ground in my thoughts on moving abroad again, and I am also having to look at my current job very closely, as I have been told it won't exist come September.
This last is worrying and exciting and annoying. I won't be made redundant, I don't think. But my job will change drastically, and I feel rather cheated. The changes taking place had their inception way before Christmas, when I interviewed for the post, and I fail to see why this was not discussed with me at the interview. Still, as I have said since day one, this is a job, not a career. I am getting experience, and making money. But I don't think I could say I love it. I love parts of it. Other parts of it I worry about enough to have them encroach on my dreams at night.
So maybe the change in job (to something I did not, and probably would not, apply for in the first place) will force my hand. Make me choose. Actually kick me to jump ship and head abroad, like I've been deliberating over for so long now.
And the incentives are there. Nicer weather. Cheaper living expenses (but probably also proportionally smaller salaries). Inexpensive property.
That is what I am interested in. I just finished reading a great book on personal finance that Nate recommended me, called 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad'. And it really got me thinking. Too much to go into here, and probably too boring for anyone reading too. But basically, I have to mind my own business. The book talks about one's job, and one's business, two entirely different entities, but not mutually exclusive either. I have a job. But I need a business too. I don't want to work to make some faceless executive rich. I want my money to work to make me rich. So now, I am doing my best to educate myself, and build up my brain so that it can think in financial terms. Ok, maybe it's boring to most of you, but I actually find it exciting. :p Anyway, one way I'd like to make my money work for me is in property. So things like the foreclosure market in NA are looking mighty attractive to me. So is the cheap land in Australia. I don't have total confidence in what I am talking about yet, but the altered perspective (ie thinking about my business instead of my job) is really having an effect on how I see my future.
Sakura in Japan is the signifier of new beginnings, of changes, and of a time to reflect on the past. The frenetic pace of life in Edinburgh isn't really giving me much time to reflect at the moment, and I feel like I'm zooming along at an alarming rate without the chance to breathe and take it all in. My house is gradually becoming more inhabitable, I am making real ground in my thoughts on moving abroad again, and I am also having to look at my current job very closely, as I have been told it won't exist come September.
This last is worrying and exciting and annoying. I won't be made redundant, I don't think. But my job will change drastically, and I feel rather cheated. The changes taking place had their inception way before Christmas, when I interviewed for the post, and I fail to see why this was not discussed with me at the interview. Still, as I have said since day one, this is a job, not a career. I am getting experience, and making money. But I don't think I could say I love it. I love parts of it. Other parts of it I worry about enough to have them encroach on my dreams at night.
So maybe the change in job (to something I did not, and probably would not, apply for in the first place) will force my hand. Make me choose. Actually kick me to jump ship and head abroad, like I've been deliberating over for so long now.
And the incentives are there. Nicer weather. Cheaper living expenses (but probably also proportionally smaller salaries). Inexpensive property.
That is what I am interested in. I just finished reading a great book on personal finance that Nate recommended me, called 'Rich Dad, Poor Dad'. And it really got me thinking. Too much to go into here, and probably too boring for anyone reading too. But basically, I have to mind my own business. The book talks about one's job, and one's business, two entirely different entities, but not mutually exclusive either. I have a job. But I need a business too. I don't want to work to make some faceless executive rich. I want my money to work to make me rich. So now, I am doing my best to educate myself, and build up my brain so that it can think in financial terms. Ok, maybe it's boring to most of you, but I actually find it exciting. :p Anyway, one way I'd like to make my money work for me is in property. So things like the foreclosure market in NA are looking mighty attractive to me. So is the cheap land in Australia. I don't have total confidence in what I am talking about yet, but the altered perspective (ie thinking about my business instead of my job) is really having an effect on how I see my future.
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Goodies purchased
If you are on my Facebook, you'll see my staus right now as 'Elizabeth is wondering how she ever got by without her ghd straighteners'. And it's SO true!! My hair can get be kinkier than the gimp when I wake up in the morning, and I when I arrived in Japan last month to discover that my old straighteners had been destroyed by an unruly conveyer belt, I moaned inwardly, knowing that my entire holiday would be spent with bad hair. In an effort at damage limitation, I bought a crappy pair of Japanese straighteners, which tried their best, but my stubborn hair was having none of it. Back home, I bit the bullet and went for the brand new MK4 ghds, purchase price £100. All that for straight hair. SO worth it.
Ok, girly moment over, my other new favourite purchase of the minute is my sweet little iPod 4GB. Oh my is it cute! And it is a real mood-fixer in the morning. I seem to do my best thinking and dreaming when plugged into personal music, and after so long with a fritzy, ancient, jumpy personal CD player, I am all sorts of happy with my top-of-the-range MP3 player. Except I am prone to dancing around with it on, and need to be careful I am not caught by anyone. Not that I mind, but I do get looks. Whatever. Raspberries to your looks, Stevo, try dancing around the staffroom sometimes, it might lighten your day.
And on my iPod? The Yeah Yeah Yeah's 'Show Your Bones' ('Turn Into' particulalrly doing it for me right now) and as of today, the new Arcade Fire's effort, 'Neon Bible' (so far, so spectacular).
I am moving back home this month! Part of me is sort of apprehensive at taking on the apartment again, knowing that I am nowhere near being settled at the moment. The other part is giddy at the thought of my own space again. I'm putting in a new bathroom (why THANK YOU Mr Japanese Social Security Man), as the current one is a) ugly, b) ancient and c) ready to give up the ghost. To celebrate my return to Leith, I will be having a serious poker night,. You're all invited, the buy-in's only a tenner, but flights from wherever you're reading this from might cost somewhat more than that. ;)
This being Easter, I decided to head to church this morning for the first time in ages. It was comforting.
I don't feel like being introspective today. Summer's coming, and I decided to go on a road-trip with Joe to New Mexico. But not really, maybe only in our heads. What I am in the process of deciding about is a real trip to Canada in September/October. Flights are WAAAAY cheap around then, and I want to see the family, not to mention Joe and Heather. Would've been great to squeeze in the BC crowd too, but I think that's being rather ambitious. Anyhoo, Cousin Gillian is due to give birth in July, so it would be cool to make it over for then christening, if it happened around then, since I missed her wedding.
Summer's coming indeed. I want to run around outside.
Ok, girly moment over, my other new favourite purchase of the minute is my sweet little iPod 4GB. Oh my is it cute! And it is a real mood-fixer in the morning. I seem to do my best thinking and dreaming when plugged into personal music, and after so long with a fritzy, ancient, jumpy personal CD player, I am all sorts of happy with my top-of-the-range MP3 player. Except I am prone to dancing around with it on, and need to be careful I am not caught by anyone. Not that I mind, but I do get looks. Whatever. Raspberries to your looks, Stevo, try dancing around the staffroom sometimes, it might lighten your day.
And on my iPod? The Yeah Yeah Yeah's 'Show Your Bones' ('Turn Into' particulalrly doing it for me right now) and as of today, the new Arcade Fire's effort, 'Neon Bible' (so far, so spectacular).
I am moving back home this month! Part of me is sort of apprehensive at taking on the apartment again, knowing that I am nowhere near being settled at the moment. The other part is giddy at the thought of my own space again. I'm putting in a new bathroom (why THANK YOU Mr Japanese Social Security Man), as the current one is a) ugly, b) ancient and c) ready to give up the ghost. To celebrate my return to Leith, I will be having a serious poker night,. You're all invited, the buy-in's only a tenner, but flights from wherever you're reading this from might cost somewhat more than that. ;)
This being Easter, I decided to head to church this morning for the first time in ages. It was comforting.
I don't feel like being introspective today. Summer's coming, and I decided to go on a road-trip with Joe to New Mexico. But not really, maybe only in our heads. What I am in the process of deciding about is a real trip to Canada in September/October. Flights are WAAAAY cheap around then, and I want to see the family, not to mention Joe and Heather. Would've been great to squeeze in the BC crowd too, but I think that's being rather ambitious. Anyhoo, Cousin Gillian is due to give birth in July, so it would be cool to make it over for then christening, if it happened around then, since I missed her wedding.
Summer's coming indeed. I want to run around outside.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Tokushima Revisted
It's been a while. A very long while, and I'm not sure where to begin.
While much happened to me since my last post, the biggest things to happen were my return to Japan and the death of Granny.
Poor Granny first. Since I returned home in August, Granny had been getting progressively worse. Basically, she had Alzheimer's disease. A few weeks ago, she stopped eating and drinking completely, and was going downhill rapidly. Mum was taking care of her, with poor Grandpa still clinging onto some sort of hope that she would pull out of it altogether, and things would go back to normal. It was not to be, and three weeks ago, she was taken to hospital. There, they re-hydrated her, and put her on a drip (at night so that she wouldn't pull the IV out). She seemed to regain her strength, if not her marbles ("Married? Me?!"), and it was looking like she would be getting home to us again. Last week, though, she got some sort of infection in her pancreas, and she left us at 4am on Saturday. I still cannot believe she has gone. I have not cried yet, though I know it's coming. Right now, I'm concentrating on Mum and Grandpa. I have a lot of thoughts on the passing of my Granny, but I haven't the energy to put them down as carefully as they need to be. For now, let it be said that I still expect to see her puff of white hair through the window as I come wandering home at night after work.
Sadly, I wasn't around when Granny went. The cheeky trout chose the week I was in Japan to make her exit.
Yep, that's right, I just couldn't stay away. March 10th saw me standing in front of Tokushima station, feeling like I'd never left. I chose March to return as that's graduation season in Japan, and this year's third graders had been my students since they were in elementary school. How could I NOT go?! So I went, and it was a really amazing trip. I had the warmest of welcomes from everyone I saw. In the space of little over a week, I managed to squeeze in just about everybody I wanted to see. I got lots of cuddles, shared lots of jokes, even played some frisbee, and had the most epic poker game of my entire life.
This was a really eye-opening trip for me. It made me realise that as much as I miss the place, it really is a second home. Tokushima will always be where I left it. I realise that I won't ever feel like a stranger in that land, and that is incredibly heartening, not to mention privelaged. How many people can truly say they feel right at home in more than one place? I also came to the realisation that I no longer have any desire to be an ALT there. That part of me is over and done with. I think I knew this well before I left that summer, but I felt reassured to have it reiterated again during this trip. While I loved every second of my job (ok, every OTHER second), I have no aspirations to do it again.
No, what I miss about Japan, what I truly miss, and what I know will never ever be recreated in my life is the feeling of life being one big holiday. Now, I think 'holiday' is the wrong word here, but I'm not sure what else there is. There was always something to do, somewhere to go, things to see, people to meet. And because we all knew (know) that it's temporary, it gave life over there the special feeling you get when you go on holiday: do it all, cause it won't last. That's what I miss, and that's what can never ever become a normal part of my life. It makes me sad, but I think it's a good and necessary realisation to come to.
Of course, I miss the people over there terribly. Not even so much my Japanese friends. Japan is their home, and I know that in returning to Japan, I will return to them, and they will more than likely be there. But my fellow JET friends. Ugh, the wrench of leaving them again was almost too much. I think it's partly because I haven't found anyone here at home yet that I can talk to in quite the same way as I spoke to my best mates over there. It'll come, I know it will. But in the absence of such relationships here, I pine for the ones I had there, and it's enough to make me cry. The feeling I got when Nate picked me up from the bus station that first day, when I got in his car, and he switched on the tunes, and we started gassing like we only saw each other yesterday... it felt so comfortable, but it served to highlight what is lacking in my personal relationships in Edinburgh.
That'll all change soon... things are moving on. I'm finally getting my house back (come late April), and that'll change things for me a whole lot. But I feel that I won't be in Edinburgh much past the summer of 2008. There's just too much out there to do. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads in my life, and I think decisions I make over the next few months will affect the rest of my life. I've come home feeling inspired.
Highlights of the trip in brief:
-Poker with the Deer, Saori, Nate and Julie: in this one night, I got FOUR sets of pocket rockets, TWO four of a kinds, was waaay the hell out in front, and then lost the lot to Jord in one hand. Flabbergasting stuff.
-A walk up into the mountains of Higashiiya: all on my ownesome, just me, my camera, and lots of little hamlets. Two hours of listening to the bamboo talk, and simply marvelling at the remotness of it all.
-The musical. Always a joy, and touching to see Jordan so emotional at the end of it all. You done good, Jord.
- Ultimate frisbee: a game Nate arranged for the occasion of my visit. So. Much. Fun.
- The graduation: Such an emotional day, but so happy I was there for it.
- Onsens: Nuff said.
-Inarizushi: Nuff siad.
- BGM, dabaru panchees, vaaaaaaseline, But Fest, secret okonomiyake, rich dads and poor dads, UFC, being pensive in company, viking and all that garlic, that other stuff.
I feel like I have more to report, but truth be told, I'm sleepy, still processing the events of the last week, and getting cold. So here endeth the update. :)
While much happened to me since my last post, the biggest things to happen were my return to Japan and the death of Granny.
Poor Granny first. Since I returned home in August, Granny had been getting progressively worse. Basically, she had Alzheimer's disease. A few weeks ago, she stopped eating and drinking completely, and was going downhill rapidly. Mum was taking care of her, with poor Grandpa still clinging onto some sort of hope that she would pull out of it altogether, and things would go back to normal. It was not to be, and three weeks ago, she was taken to hospital. There, they re-hydrated her, and put her on a drip (at night so that she wouldn't pull the IV out). She seemed to regain her strength, if not her marbles ("Married? Me?!"), and it was looking like she would be getting home to us again. Last week, though, she got some sort of infection in her pancreas, and she left us at 4am on Saturday. I still cannot believe she has gone. I have not cried yet, though I know it's coming. Right now, I'm concentrating on Mum and Grandpa. I have a lot of thoughts on the passing of my Granny, but I haven't the energy to put them down as carefully as they need to be. For now, let it be said that I still expect to see her puff of white hair through the window as I come wandering home at night after work.
Sadly, I wasn't around when Granny went. The cheeky trout chose the week I was in Japan to make her exit.
Yep, that's right, I just couldn't stay away. March 10th saw me standing in front of Tokushima station, feeling like I'd never left. I chose March to return as that's graduation season in Japan, and this year's third graders had been my students since they were in elementary school. How could I NOT go?! So I went, and it was a really amazing trip. I had the warmest of welcomes from everyone I saw. In the space of little over a week, I managed to squeeze in just about everybody I wanted to see. I got lots of cuddles, shared lots of jokes, even played some frisbee, and had the most epic poker game of my entire life.
This was a really eye-opening trip for me. It made me realise that as much as I miss the place, it really is a second home. Tokushima will always be where I left it. I realise that I won't ever feel like a stranger in that land, and that is incredibly heartening, not to mention privelaged. How many people can truly say they feel right at home in more than one place? I also came to the realisation that I no longer have any desire to be an ALT there. That part of me is over and done with. I think I knew this well before I left that summer, but I felt reassured to have it reiterated again during this trip. While I loved every second of my job (ok, every OTHER second), I have no aspirations to do it again.
No, what I miss about Japan, what I truly miss, and what I know will never ever be recreated in my life is the feeling of life being one big holiday. Now, I think 'holiday' is the wrong word here, but I'm not sure what else there is. There was always something to do, somewhere to go, things to see, people to meet. And because we all knew (know) that it's temporary, it gave life over there the special feeling you get when you go on holiday: do it all, cause it won't last. That's what I miss, and that's what can never ever become a normal part of my life. It makes me sad, but I think it's a good and necessary realisation to come to.
Of course, I miss the people over there terribly. Not even so much my Japanese friends. Japan is their home, and I know that in returning to Japan, I will return to them, and they will more than likely be there. But my fellow JET friends. Ugh, the wrench of leaving them again was almost too much. I think it's partly because I haven't found anyone here at home yet that I can talk to in quite the same way as I spoke to my best mates over there. It'll come, I know it will. But in the absence of such relationships here, I pine for the ones I had there, and it's enough to make me cry. The feeling I got when Nate picked me up from the bus station that first day, when I got in his car, and he switched on the tunes, and we started gassing like we only saw each other yesterday... it felt so comfortable, but it served to highlight what is lacking in my personal relationships in Edinburgh.
That'll all change soon... things are moving on. I'm finally getting my house back (come late April), and that'll change things for me a whole lot. But I feel that I won't be in Edinburgh much past the summer of 2008. There's just too much out there to do. I feel like I'm standing at a crossroads in my life, and I think decisions I make over the next few months will affect the rest of my life. I've come home feeling inspired.
Highlights of the trip in brief:
-Poker with the Deer, Saori, Nate and Julie: in this one night, I got FOUR sets of pocket rockets, TWO four of a kinds, was waaay the hell out in front, and then lost the lot to Jord in one hand. Flabbergasting stuff.
-A walk up into the mountains of Higashiiya: all on my ownesome, just me, my camera, and lots of little hamlets. Two hours of listening to the bamboo talk, and simply marvelling at the remotness of it all.
-The musical. Always a joy, and touching to see Jordan so emotional at the end of it all. You done good, Jord.
- Ultimate frisbee: a game Nate arranged for the occasion of my visit. So. Much. Fun.
- The graduation: Such an emotional day, but so happy I was there for it.
- Onsens: Nuff said.
-Inarizushi: Nuff siad.
- BGM, dabaru panchees, vaaaaaaseline, But Fest, secret okonomiyake, rich dads and poor dads, UFC, being pensive in company, viking and all that garlic, that other stuff.
I feel like I have more to report, but truth be told, I'm sleepy, still processing the events of the last week, and getting cold. So here endeth the update. :)
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
All Fired Up
Well, it turned nipple-achingly cold this week. Finally! Still no snow, but a good dose of some cold weather. Excellent stuff.
This past couple of weeks, I have mostly been:
-Sending care packages to Japan. Yup, the kind folks over there sent me some stuff over the Xmas period, so it was high time to reciprocate. Not because I felt I had to. But, for example, I know sending a bunch of face masks and magazines over to Tame-chan will make her day, and that warms the cockles of my heart. Have another couple to send to some of my people over there, but those are still being worked on. Care packages are important. They need to show you care!
-Hanging with my family. We had a kick-ass get-together last Saturday night at my Auntie's house, and practically everyone who mattered was there. It was a huge night, bigger than anyone had reckoned, and I got to see some people I haven't seen in literally years. Be warned: strawberry champagne is not your friend after 5 Asahis.
-Buying new albums. After I write this, I am going to go and acquaint myself with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs most recent album, as well as Isobel Campbell's Mercury-nominated effort. I picked that one cause I like the name, 'Ballad of the Broken Seas'. I had a near meltdown in Fopp on Saturday. I limited myself to £20, but seriously! so so so many albums that have my name on it right now.
-Getting Burnsy. As some of you know, Burns was my thing in Japan, organising the annual supper for the last three years (with a lot of help from my friends). It was always a hit, and I was touched that the folk this year were determined to keep it going. It looked like they had a massive time of it, complete with haggis I flung that direction, and my only wish was that I could have been there to witness Bessie's song, Nate's drunkeness, and Anya's gyrations (apparently). However, I still seem to be a fount of expertise on all things Burns (not to insult the true conniseurs out there, I'm speaking in relative terms). I am the only Scot in our school office, and as such, haggis-buying duty for the lunchtime mini-Burns Supper, fell to me. So I currently have 5 large veggie haggi languishing in the fridge. Veggie cause of the various special diets that our students observe. The event is on Thursday, and while I don't expect quite the same amount of inebraited cosiness and familiarity, it'll still be awesome to introduce such an important part of Scottish culture to the international community.
-Praying for miracles. Get well soon, Rowan.
-Spending money on break-neck hodilays. Yup, I did it, I took the plunge. Saturday 10th March will see me land in Japan for exactely 8 days of graduations, pokers, Awa Odoris, catchings-up, reminiscings, and snugglings. I think I will not be doing myself any emotional favours by going back so soon, but I can't resist, and I promised the chillurn I'd be there to see them graduate. Ja, ikimasu!!
-Thinking healthy. My body hates being idle, and feels the cold ever more. So it's now time to get my ass back in gear, and shift a few pounds. Not feeling fat, but not feeling fit, and I'm bored with not exercising. Am drinking stupid amounts of peppermint tea (my tummy loves it), but the folk at work drink tea something like 5 times a day, and I just can't handle that!
Gotta go listen to Karen.
This past couple of weeks, I have mostly been:
-Sending care packages to Japan. Yup, the kind folks over there sent me some stuff over the Xmas period, so it was high time to reciprocate. Not because I felt I had to. But, for example, I know sending a bunch of face masks and magazines over to Tame-chan will make her day, and that warms the cockles of my heart. Have another couple to send to some of my people over there, but those are still being worked on. Care packages are important. They need to show you care!
-Hanging with my family. We had a kick-ass get-together last Saturday night at my Auntie's house, and practically everyone who mattered was there. It was a huge night, bigger than anyone had reckoned, and I got to see some people I haven't seen in literally years. Be warned: strawberry champagne is not your friend after 5 Asahis.
-Buying new albums. After I write this, I am going to go and acquaint myself with the Yeah Yeah Yeahs most recent album, as well as Isobel Campbell's Mercury-nominated effort. I picked that one cause I like the name, 'Ballad of the Broken Seas'. I had a near meltdown in Fopp on Saturday. I limited myself to £20, but seriously! so so so many albums that have my name on it right now.
-Getting Burnsy. As some of you know, Burns was my thing in Japan, organising the annual supper for the last three years (with a lot of help from my friends). It was always a hit, and I was touched that the folk this year were determined to keep it going. It looked like they had a massive time of it, complete with haggis I flung that direction, and my only wish was that I could have been there to witness Bessie's song, Nate's drunkeness, and Anya's gyrations (apparently). However, I still seem to be a fount of expertise on all things Burns (not to insult the true conniseurs out there, I'm speaking in relative terms). I am the only Scot in our school office, and as such, haggis-buying duty for the lunchtime mini-Burns Supper, fell to me. So I currently have 5 large veggie haggi languishing in the fridge. Veggie cause of the various special diets that our students observe. The event is on Thursday, and while I don't expect quite the same amount of inebraited cosiness and familiarity, it'll still be awesome to introduce such an important part of Scottish culture to the international community.
-Praying for miracles. Get well soon, Rowan.
-Spending money on break-neck hodilays. Yup, I did it, I took the plunge. Saturday 10th March will see me land in Japan for exactely 8 days of graduations, pokers, Awa Odoris, catchings-up, reminiscings, and snugglings. I think I will not be doing myself any emotional favours by going back so soon, but I can't resist, and I promised the chillurn I'd be there to see them graduate. Ja, ikimasu!!
-Thinking healthy. My body hates being idle, and feels the cold ever more. So it's now time to get my ass back in gear, and shift a few pounds. Not feeling fat, but not feeling fit, and I'm bored with not exercising. Am drinking stupid amounts of peppermint tea (my tummy loves it), but the folk at work drink tea something like 5 times a day, and I just can't handle that!
Gotta go listen to Karen.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
Working Girl
Happy New year! Hope yours was good. Me, I ended up at Rachel's impromptu house party in trendy Cockburn Street, after silly-bad weather called off the traditional street party celebrations in Edinburgh. It was a good time, I met lots of lovely people, though I really only knew Rach and her boyfriend Jake. I guess it was somewhat lonely, and I'd have given anything to see Joe suddenly appear and start dancing in his special Joe-style, or for Nate to come in with a pack of cards. But that notwithstanding, it was a jolly old time. Didn't last long though, was back in the flat by 1.30am listening to the rain outside.
However, 2007 should be interesting. I started my new job on Wednesday there. Hmm. It is mostly good, I think. The people in the office (I work with three others, another girl about my age, and two guys of 'family' age) are lovely and welcoming, and helpful as far as they can be. I am stoked to have people of all nationalities wandering in and out of the office to say hi, or ask me something. And I have suddenly inherited an address book with about 140 Edinburgh families in it, all of them keen hosts for our students, and all of them keen to chat and get to know me. It's daunting but nice. What is not nice is the prehistoric computer system we use. Holy crap, I can see there being computer-related defenestration issues on the horizon...
What is novel is getting up in the morning to put on business casual wear, hop on a bus with 50 other commuters, grab a coffee from Starbucks, and read the Guardian while I kill half an hour before 9am. I walk past the same church at the same time everyday (I know it's the same time, because the chimes always go off as I pass), I sit in the same seat in Starbucks, and before long, I'll be passing the same faces on Shandwick Place, as they make their way to their own places of work. Edinburgh is like that: a village where sooner or later, 'six degrees of seperation' doesn't seem so far-fetched.
After my first day on Wednesday, I walked out into full-on rush hour in downtown Edinburgh, and had 'New York Minute' by the Eagles playing in my head.
I like my job, but I'm not sure I am a 9-5 office girl at heart. This is for sure a road I am keen to explore in my professional life, but I'm also envious of Dave, about to move to Cairns to do some rafting work, and opening up his own business. For now though, a steady income and an ordered schedule will do me a world of good. Edinburgh still isn't sitting right with me, and it's partly because things were so crap for so long after I got back. My new job is going to do a lot to sort my head out, I think.
But today, I've been feeling kind of blue, and missing my old life. I wonder if I'll ever stop missing it, or at least stop missing it enought that it doesn't warrant a mention in this blog?
However, 2007 should be interesting. I started my new job on Wednesday there. Hmm. It is mostly good, I think. The people in the office (I work with three others, another girl about my age, and two guys of 'family' age) are lovely and welcoming, and helpful as far as they can be. I am stoked to have people of all nationalities wandering in and out of the office to say hi, or ask me something. And I have suddenly inherited an address book with about 140 Edinburgh families in it, all of them keen hosts for our students, and all of them keen to chat and get to know me. It's daunting but nice. What is not nice is the prehistoric computer system we use. Holy crap, I can see there being computer-related defenestration issues on the horizon...
What is novel is getting up in the morning to put on business casual wear, hop on a bus with 50 other commuters, grab a coffee from Starbucks, and read the Guardian while I kill half an hour before 9am. I walk past the same church at the same time everyday (I know it's the same time, because the chimes always go off as I pass), I sit in the same seat in Starbucks, and before long, I'll be passing the same faces on Shandwick Place, as they make their way to their own places of work. Edinburgh is like that: a village where sooner or later, 'six degrees of seperation' doesn't seem so far-fetched.
After my first day on Wednesday, I walked out into full-on rush hour in downtown Edinburgh, and had 'New York Minute' by the Eagles playing in my head.
I like my job, but I'm not sure I am a 9-5 office girl at heart. This is for sure a road I am keen to explore in my professional life, but I'm also envious of Dave, about to move to Cairns to do some rafting work, and opening up his own business. For now though, a steady income and an ordered schedule will do me a world of good. Edinburgh still isn't sitting right with me, and it's partly because things were so crap for so long after I got back. My new job is going to do a lot to sort my head out, I think.
But today, I've been feeling kind of blue, and missing my old life. I wonder if I'll ever stop missing it, or at least stop missing it enought that it doesn't warrant a mention in this blog?
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Accepted and Rejected
I am employed! Properly employed! I will be working with the Edinburgh branch of Regent, one of the Uks biggest ESL schools, as their acommodation and welfare officer (placing students with homestay families, in hotels, sorting out welfare issues etc). I am excited beyond belief, and hugely relieved too. I can't wait to see where this could take me. I'll be working in Edinburgh's West End (no theatres, but lots of offices, banks, and suits) Mon-Fri, 9-5. Means I can plan my life again (shift work really doesn't do it for me), and know that I'll always have my weekends free. it's so nice to know that in 2007, I'll finally be living my life. Australia WILL still happen for me, either in '07 or '08, but for now, I want to concentrate on having fun again instead of worrying so about the future, and missing the past.
On the other hand, I heard yesterday that I got an outright rejection from Moray House for the teacher training course! It doesn't really bother me, it wasn't what I really wanted. But I did hope I'd get an interview. I have good experience with children, and I know I got a good refernce from Heinz. Some things aren't to be, and this, I think, was one of them.
It's Christmas Eve. I'm going to go round to our local for a drink with my family and some family friends soon. I wanted to go to Midnight Mass, but our minister has gone to give it at another church a car ride away, which isn't an option for me. And sadly, my exhausted, diseased body (bad cold) insisted on a long lie this morning, so I missed the usual Sunday service. I WILL get to church one day soon, I just really wanted it to be the Watch Night Service.
I hope that all of you, wherever you are, are with people you love, and who love you, and that you are warm, safe and happy. Have a wonderful Christmas, and be thankful for what you have. I'll leave you now with my warmest wishes for you and yours. Merry Christmas!
On the other hand, I heard yesterday that I got an outright rejection from Moray House for the teacher training course! It doesn't really bother me, it wasn't what I really wanted. But I did hope I'd get an interview. I have good experience with children, and I know I got a good refernce from Heinz. Some things aren't to be, and this, I think, was one of them.
It's Christmas Eve. I'm going to go round to our local for a drink with my family and some family friends soon. I wanted to go to Midnight Mass, but our minister has gone to give it at another church a car ride away, which isn't an option for me. And sadly, my exhausted, diseased body (bad cold) insisted on a long lie this morning, so I missed the usual Sunday service. I WILL get to church one day soon, I just really wanted it to be the Watch Night Service.
I hope that all of you, wherever you are, are with people you love, and who love you, and that you are warm, safe and happy. Have a wonderful Christmas, and be thankful for what you have. I'll leave you now with my warmest wishes for you and yours. Merry Christmas!
Monday, December 18, 2006
Second Chances
After having the first interview for the ESL school job (as accomodation and welfare officer), I was convinced that, although I hadn't answered anything badly, I didn't really makle myself stand out. I had all but chalked the episode up to experience, and was ready to move on.
Not so fast there, sport! I got a call from the school's principal this morning inviting me back for a second interview. Somewhat unexpected, but it certainly made me smile! It's 9.30am GMT this coming Wednesday, so please keep it all crossed for me!
I'm just finishing a lovely three day weekend. On Saturday, I went into town and finally got some Christmas shopping done. I still have a worrying amount to get though. I also met Rona for a Breakfast Club showing of the Goonies at my favourite cinema, the Cameo. I love that film! The actual reel of film was so old, it jumped around a lot, it was full of cigarette burns, and at one point, we were even watching it upside down. That just added to the 'natsukashii' feeling though! Saturday night was the Gap Xmas night out, and we went to a Mexican restaurant, the Tiajuana Yacht Club. I've had better Mexican food, it must be said, but I had a riot sitting with Craig, Louise and Sarah. We never stopped laughing, mostly at Craig who is a proper comedian, and I awoke on Sunday with a hoarse throat.
Sunday was a relaxing day of visiting my newly-hipped Gran, then me and dad took a walk up to Gladhouse resevoir. It was a beautiful clear and freezing day. We came home to find Mum had finished putting up the Christmas decorations.
Today has been the usual blend of chatting to friends online, washing my clothes, and trying to do a little around the house. Back to work tomorrow, and only a week til Xmas to go! I'm not that excited, really, but it's nice to have something coming up where I get to hang with my family, and eat lots of good food.
If I don't write again til after Christmas, I wish you all a very happy holiday, and I truly hope to catch up with you all in 2007.
Not so fast there, sport! I got a call from the school's principal this morning inviting me back for a second interview. Somewhat unexpected, but it certainly made me smile! It's 9.30am GMT this coming Wednesday, so please keep it all crossed for me!
I'm just finishing a lovely three day weekend. On Saturday, I went into town and finally got some Christmas shopping done. I still have a worrying amount to get though. I also met Rona for a Breakfast Club showing of the Goonies at my favourite cinema, the Cameo. I love that film! The actual reel of film was so old, it jumped around a lot, it was full of cigarette burns, and at one point, we were even watching it upside down. That just added to the 'natsukashii' feeling though! Saturday night was the Gap Xmas night out, and we went to a Mexican restaurant, the Tiajuana Yacht Club. I've had better Mexican food, it must be said, but I had a riot sitting with Craig, Louise and Sarah. We never stopped laughing, mostly at Craig who is a proper comedian, and I awoke on Sunday with a hoarse throat.
Sunday was a relaxing day of visiting my newly-hipped Gran, then me and dad took a walk up to Gladhouse resevoir. It was a beautiful clear and freezing day. We came home to find Mum had finished putting up the Christmas decorations.
Today has been the usual blend of chatting to friends online, washing my clothes, and trying to do a little around the house. Back to work tomorrow, and only a week til Xmas to go! I'm not that excited, really, but it's nice to have something coming up where I get to hang with my family, and eat lots of good food.
If I don't write again til after Christmas, I wish you all a very happy holiday, and I truly hope to catch up with you all in 2007.
Monday, December 04, 2006
Finnish Love
It's been a while. I guess things don't seem so vivid and memorable as they did overseas. The trick is trying to remind myself that they really ARE.
A few things have happened. I am enjoying Gap. It's mindless, it's easy, once you know what you're doing, and there's a certain perverse pleasure to be taken from meeting your sales target for a day. It's also nice to be speaking to people my own age, and finding out what's going on in Edinburgh. Polish people rock. We have two working with us, and they are really cool, easy to get along with, and smile endlessly.
David didn't get into the army. This is a blow for all concerned. It sucks to high heaven for him, as now he has to wait another 6 months to go through the whole damn thing again, and in the meantime, has to find a job to keep himself going. And it's looking horribly like he might need to return to Starbucks. It sucks for me, because now there is no date in sight for me getting my own apartment back, as that's where the boy is living. I have no intention of kicking him out, but at the same time, both myself and my parents realise that me living at home for another 6 months will likely drive all of us mad. So words need to be had to come up with some sort of solution.
I met Katja the other week! Katja is a Finnish friend from the heady days of Uni, and together, we were going to change the face of acadaemia. Well, life got in the way of that little idea, but we remained in patchy contact whilst I was in Japon, and then she finally came up to Ed last week with her lovely French boyfriend Laurant and his friend Benoit. We spent a glorious Edinburgh afternoon holed up in the Baillie drinking beer and chewing the fat. It was really great to catch up with her again, and I only wished we lived closer.
I received a wonderful letter from dear James, he of the beard who played rugby and ultimate at various competitions with us, now somewhere in the Australian bush, riding in helicopters and putting fires out. He sent along some snaps of his farm, and I am resolved to getting out to that country really soon. It looks wonderful.
I have my first real job interview coming up! I am so excited, but trying not to get too worked up. It's for an Edinburgh ESL school, working as an accomodation and welfare officer for the students. Woo hoo! I am just glad that finally someone saw my CV as being somehow relevant to what they are looking for. I haven't had interviews for anything apart from shops since my return, so I know that this job might not happen, but it's a real boost for me to finally see some results coming from my experience.
I submitted my application to Moray House College, the teacher training school in Edinburgh. It's not what I want to do. Of that, I am pretty certain. I will go through with the application process, and, should I get an interview, I will try my very best. But the more I think on it, the more I realise that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. It's a bit of a conundrum, really, because that degreee would be a great way into Australia. But even then, I'd still be tied to teaching. James is urging me to simply take a year off and go on a working visa, see the country, and take it from there. It's a great plan in theory, but the thought of putting life off for yet another year is not one that sits easily in my mind, though it does have its attractions.
Mummy's off to Dublin next weekend for a shopping trip with my aunt. That leaves me and Dad with the rule of the roost. I think he's going to make monkfish tails in balckbean sauce one night for us (a first for me), and I think I'll do curry soup with lots of naan the other night.
Christmas is just around the corner. Madness. I picture where I was this time last year. I try to imagine where I'll be this time next year. Not knowing is exciting, but also pretty frustrating. I thought I was good at being a free spirit, and just letting it all wash over me, but actually, I'm not. I have this impatience to know what's coming next, and to see people and places that sitting back and letting it all happen is like proverbial nails on a board...
Love you all!
A few things have happened. I am enjoying Gap. It's mindless, it's easy, once you know what you're doing, and there's a certain perverse pleasure to be taken from meeting your sales target for a day. It's also nice to be speaking to people my own age, and finding out what's going on in Edinburgh. Polish people rock. We have two working with us, and they are really cool, easy to get along with, and smile endlessly.
David didn't get into the army. This is a blow for all concerned. It sucks to high heaven for him, as now he has to wait another 6 months to go through the whole damn thing again, and in the meantime, has to find a job to keep himself going. And it's looking horribly like he might need to return to Starbucks. It sucks for me, because now there is no date in sight for me getting my own apartment back, as that's where the boy is living. I have no intention of kicking him out, but at the same time, both myself and my parents realise that me living at home for another 6 months will likely drive all of us mad. So words need to be had to come up with some sort of solution.
I met Katja the other week! Katja is a Finnish friend from the heady days of Uni, and together, we were going to change the face of acadaemia. Well, life got in the way of that little idea, but we remained in patchy contact whilst I was in Japon, and then she finally came up to Ed last week with her lovely French boyfriend Laurant and his friend Benoit. We spent a glorious Edinburgh afternoon holed up in the Baillie drinking beer and chewing the fat. It was really great to catch up with her again, and I only wished we lived closer.
I received a wonderful letter from dear James, he of the beard who played rugby and ultimate at various competitions with us, now somewhere in the Australian bush, riding in helicopters and putting fires out. He sent along some snaps of his farm, and I am resolved to getting out to that country really soon. It looks wonderful.
I have my first real job interview coming up! I am so excited, but trying not to get too worked up. It's for an Edinburgh ESL school, working as an accomodation and welfare officer for the students. Woo hoo! I am just glad that finally someone saw my CV as being somehow relevant to what they are looking for. I haven't had interviews for anything apart from shops since my return, so I know that this job might not happen, but it's a real boost for me to finally see some results coming from my experience.
I submitted my application to Moray House College, the teacher training school in Edinburgh. It's not what I want to do. Of that, I am pretty certain. I will go through with the application process, and, should I get an interview, I will try my very best. But the more I think on it, the more I realise that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons. It's a bit of a conundrum, really, because that degreee would be a great way into Australia. But even then, I'd still be tied to teaching. James is urging me to simply take a year off and go on a working visa, see the country, and take it from there. It's a great plan in theory, but the thought of putting life off for yet another year is not one that sits easily in my mind, though it does have its attractions.
Mummy's off to Dublin next weekend for a shopping trip with my aunt. That leaves me and Dad with the rule of the roost. I think he's going to make monkfish tails in balckbean sauce one night for us (a first for me), and I think I'll do curry soup with lots of naan the other night.
Christmas is just around the corner. Madness. I picture where I was this time last year. I try to imagine where I'll be this time next year. Not knowing is exciting, but also pretty frustrating. I thought I was good at being a free spirit, and just letting it all wash over me, but actually, I'm not. I have this impatience to know what's coming next, and to see people and places that sitting back and letting it all happen is like proverbial nails on a board...
Love you all!
Sunday, November 12, 2006
You are not your Gap khakis.
Oh yes you are! Holy crap, could I be anymore of a corporate whore??! I don't think so. After 4 years in Starbucks, I have now aligned myself with clothes giant Gap. If only for a few weeks. Yes, dear readers, the only place that sees me fit to employ is Gap. And that's ok for now at least. It means I can buy Xmas presents, and it means I stave off serious money issues for at least a few weeks. The job is only temporary for now, but there is the chance of me being kept on. And if that falls through... well, I know of a few Starbucks stores needing some workers... :(
It's been a quiet old life the past week or so. The job is the biggest news. But I did go out with Jillsty on Friday night for the first Japanese food I've had since my return. I was like a kid in sweet shop! Then we went for drinks, and were like the three withes from Macbeth, cackling away in our corner over old stories. Good times.
So, I am excited to start a new job, meet new people and spend some time away from this damn house. I'll write later.
It's been a quiet old life the past week or so. The job is the biggest news. But I did go out with Jillsty on Friday night for the first Japanese food I've had since my return. I was like a kid in sweet shop! Then we went for drinks, and were like the three withes from Macbeth, cackling away in our corner over old stories. Good times.
So, I am excited to start a new job, meet new people and spend some time away from this damn house. I'll write later.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Low Winter Sun
Being relatively far north means that Edinburgh gets a small amount of almost painful daylight during the winter months. The sun struggles up over the horizon sometime between 7 and 8am, fights its way around the sky, then gives up the ghost and starts going to bed around 3pm. Sometimes it gets to me, other times, like today, it gives the whole area a very ethereal feel, and illuminates the colours of autumn in a beautiful way. It never feels quite like day, and there's a sense of flux, of nothing being permanent.
Today I spoke to Stu over messenger, and it was one of the nicest conversations. He has an unconscious knack, sometimes, of reminding me how much I miss him, and how much he meant (means?) to me. After we signed off, I was left with a peculiar sense of longing (for him? for company in general?). It wasn't entirely unpleasant.
I had an interview with Margaret Hodge recruitment today. It wasn't fruitful. Although it was the best experience of my life, I think JET is hindering me in my search for work. I must return to university. I need to make a choice between a teaching (fees paid, good salary, guarantee of a job, not really what I want to do) and another vocation (pay own fees, no guarantee of work, but chance of finding something I feel good about). Bear in mind that I want to leave Scotland. With a teaching degree, I could pretty much do that straight away. With another vocation, I'd have to probably get a couple years work experience under my belt first. The comments link is below, use it folks! I want to know what you think, if you happen to be reading.
Right now I'm listening to the new Faithless album on MySpace. I find Maxi's voice ever so comforting. It's a great album, I reckon you should go and buy it.
I am reading the famous (in the UK at least) Scotland Street novels by Alexander McColl Smith. They are pretty good, not too challenging yet.
After I am done with Faithless, I shall go downstairs and hang with my parents, and eat some oat, raspberry and white chocolate cookies.
Today I spoke to Stu over messenger, and it was one of the nicest conversations. He has an unconscious knack, sometimes, of reminding me how much I miss him, and how much he meant (means?) to me. After we signed off, I was left with a peculiar sense of longing (for him? for company in general?). It wasn't entirely unpleasant.
I had an interview with Margaret Hodge recruitment today. It wasn't fruitful. Although it was the best experience of my life, I think JET is hindering me in my search for work. I must return to university. I need to make a choice between a teaching (fees paid, good salary, guarantee of a job, not really what I want to do) and another vocation (pay own fees, no guarantee of work, but chance of finding something I feel good about). Bear in mind that I want to leave Scotland. With a teaching degree, I could pretty much do that straight away. With another vocation, I'd have to probably get a couple years work experience under my belt first. The comments link is below, use it folks! I want to know what you think, if you happen to be reading.
Right now I'm listening to the new Faithless album on MySpace. I find Maxi's voice ever so comforting. It's a great album, I reckon you should go and buy it.
I am reading the famous (in the UK at least) Scotland Street novels by Alexander McColl Smith. They are pretty good, not too challenging yet.
After I am done with Faithless, I shall go downstairs and hang with my parents, and eat some oat, raspberry and white chocolate cookies.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Second Wind
Yus, like Joe, I think it's time for some writing to be done here. Cause I'm lazy, I'm prolly going to do what he did and list.
GOOD THINGS: Keiko coming to visit last week and being truly awed by Edinburgh, reading a book called 'Left Bank', getting exctied about next weekend's trip to Comrie with the family, being told my Margaret Hodge Recruitment that I was a 'star candidate' (see below),
BAD THINGS: Lack of employment, lack of money, lack of social life due to lack of money, indeciveness, boredom.
Last week, I went to a jobs fair at the Corn Exchange in Edinburgh, where I met an ex-JET mow working for recruitment firm Margartet Hodge. She was impressed with my CV, told me not to worry about a thing, and that they'd be in touch. I give them til Thursday, then I'll call them.
Despite being bored, and really not knowing what the hell is going to happen to me, I am feeling pretty ok. I am getting my second wind. There are ways and ways of getting a job, and I think that I just need to go beyond what I thought was necessary to get one. I am not unemployable. I have lots of transferrable skills. I want to work hard, and I want pressure in my life.
But for the last couple of months, I have been missing my snuggle quota by rather a lot. I need a cuddle.
GOOD THINGS: Keiko coming to visit last week and being truly awed by Edinburgh, reading a book called 'Left Bank', getting exctied about next weekend's trip to Comrie with the family, being told my Margaret Hodge Recruitment that I was a 'star candidate' (see below),
BAD THINGS: Lack of employment, lack of money, lack of social life due to lack of money, indeciveness, boredom.
Last week, I went to a jobs fair at the Corn Exchange in Edinburgh, where I met an ex-JET mow working for recruitment firm Margartet Hodge. She was impressed with my CV, told me not to worry about a thing, and that they'd be in touch. I give them til Thursday, then I'll call them.
Despite being bored, and really not knowing what the hell is going to happen to me, I am feeling pretty ok. I am getting my second wind. There are ways and ways of getting a job, and I think that I just need to go beyond what I thought was necessary to get one. I am not unemployable. I have lots of transferrable skills. I want to work hard, and I want pressure in my life.
But for the last couple of months, I have been missing my snuggle quota by rather a lot. I need a cuddle.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Autumn
It has finally arrived. Last weekend, the trees must have had a whispered Ent-like conference, because they have all decided, at long last, that it's time to turn lots of lovely colours, and shed their leaves. I think autumn is later in starting now than I remember it to be. This late in October, I'd have expected most leaves to be dead, if not shed yet, and maybe even a couple of morning frosts. But they are only just beginning to change colour, and while the mornings are cold, I don't think there have been any frosty ones. Unless I'm lying in bed too late to see it.
I actually did some socialising last week! On Tuesday, I met with Rach, and we had dinner in her apartment (which, by the way, is the coolest loft space I've ever seen). It was great just to sit and chat with her and Jake.
On Saturday, it was Kirsty's man Aly's birthday. The big 3-0. We went to a pub in town, where about 40 of his friends came and wished him a happy birthday. I knew very few people there, and felt a pang of shyness I haven't felt since before I left for Japan, so I pretty much stayed in the same place all night, and spoke to the people I knew. Hope this isn't a sign of things to come. After, they all decided to go out dancing, but I went back to Kirsty and Aly's where I was staying. I just didn't feel like going to one of the local meat-markets and trying to have a good time. Clubbing's fine, but I have be in a spot-on mood for it, and I just wasn't.
On Sunday, I went to ex Tokkers-Jet Rona's flat for lunch with her and her husband Nick. I had a lovely time, and Rona made quite a feast. Nick is now at Moray House, training to become an English teacher, so I made sure to pick his brain well and good. If I'm to go through with this teaching thing, a decision needs to be made really soon. Like before the end of this month. If I decide to do it, I'm looking at two years in Edinburgh, instead of the seven months I had in mind when I came home. That's pretty frightening, and I don't know if I want to spend that much time here. On the other hand, if I were to do that, it'd make immigrating to another country as a skilled worker that much easier.
I had a major Awa Odori pang yesterday. I had a longing to drink beer from a plastic cup while wandering around in my kimono, sharing jokes with the Minoda-ren mob, chewing the fat with Dave, and getting kancho'd from the kids. I even had a longing to see terrible little Keigo.
Jeremy Irons is on 'Who Do You Think You Are?' tonight. I can't wait. I want to drown in his voice!
I actually did some socialising last week! On Tuesday, I met with Rach, and we had dinner in her apartment (which, by the way, is the coolest loft space I've ever seen). It was great just to sit and chat with her and Jake.
On Saturday, it was Kirsty's man Aly's birthday. The big 3-0. We went to a pub in town, where about 40 of his friends came and wished him a happy birthday. I knew very few people there, and felt a pang of shyness I haven't felt since before I left for Japan, so I pretty much stayed in the same place all night, and spoke to the people I knew. Hope this isn't a sign of things to come. After, they all decided to go out dancing, but I went back to Kirsty and Aly's where I was staying. I just didn't feel like going to one of the local meat-markets and trying to have a good time. Clubbing's fine, but I have be in a spot-on mood for it, and I just wasn't.
On Sunday, I went to ex Tokkers-Jet Rona's flat for lunch with her and her husband Nick. I had a lovely time, and Rona made quite a feast. Nick is now at Moray House, training to become an English teacher, so I made sure to pick his brain well and good. If I'm to go through with this teaching thing, a decision needs to be made really soon. Like before the end of this month. If I decide to do it, I'm looking at two years in Edinburgh, instead of the seven months I had in mind when I came home. That's pretty frightening, and I don't know if I want to spend that much time here. On the other hand, if I were to do that, it'd make immigrating to another country as a skilled worker that much easier.
I had a major Awa Odori pang yesterday. I had a longing to drink beer from a plastic cup while wandering around in my kimono, sharing jokes with the Minoda-ren mob, chewing the fat with Dave, and getting kancho'd from the kids. I even had a longing to see terrible little Keigo.
Jeremy Irons is on 'Who Do You Think You Are?' tonight. I can't wait. I want to drown in his voice!
Friday, October 06, 2006
Return of the Book Worm
When I arrived in Japan, my head was so totally fried after my honours years in Uni that I simply could not read anything for about a year. Pretty bad for someone who had previously lived for books. As time went by, I was able to choke down 'Memoirs of a Geisha', 'Harry Potter', and the wonderful '100 Years of Solitude', plus a few non-fiction titles, but my capacity to concentrate on a book was fairly diminished. Besides which, my life over there was so crazy-busy that I often didn't have the time or energy to read. My life WAS a novel!
But having arrived home, I have found to my total joy that my passion for reading fiction has returned. I've read about four books since coming home, two of them fiction, and I am overjoyed. Right now I'm reading something distinctly trashy and Bridget Jones-eque, but far less annoying. Not exactely brain food, but enjoyable nonetheless. Joe, stop that tutting, you literary snob.
My dream job is still proving elusive, sadly. I was actually offered a job this week, but turned it down. Maybe that constitutes looking the gift horse in the mouth, or cutting off my nose to spite (despite?) my face or something, but it was part-time, didn't sound like a really great job, and wasn't really something I saw myself getting passionate about. So I said no. The hunt continues, with four applications handed in yesterday for various shops in the city centre. Yes shops. Not career jobs, those things take the longest time to apply for that I really need something meantime to give me some money.
I have discovered that the central mosque in Edinburgh serves kick-ass food at lunchtime. I went with friend Alice the other day, and for £4.10, got a massive plate of rice, mild chicken curry, curried vegetables and can of soda. Delicious, and if I was a student, I'd be there every day (it's located right behind George Square, the main Uni campus).
I am going into town with mum and dad tomorrow, for dad is taking us to lunch at my favourite pub, the Bailie. The Bailie is not funky. It is not new. It is not The Place to go. It's dark, with red walls, used to be wonderfully smoky (pre ban era), and a fair lot of over 30s go there. it's in a basement, and in winter, I just love curling up there for an afternoon with friends, to get tipsy and talk about how to save the world. They serve out-of-this-world food, and I can't wait to get some tomorrow.
Yes. In my boredom, all I think about is food. Go on, gimme a job, you know you want to...
My thoughts are still pretty much all over the place. I can't decide whether I want to try to ground myself here for a good while, and allow myself to feel that home IS home again, or if I want to keep imagining myself out of here as soon as possible. There are good and bad things to both. Part of wants nothing more than to get my house back, get a new points card for Canonmills Tesco's, cook for friends, get to liking wine again, and not really looking beyond the cosy confines of the Ed. The other part of me keeps clicking onto friend's blogs in Africa, Canada, the US, Australia and yes of course, Japan, and thinking that THAT out there is where I want to be.
I saw Heinz the other day, and it was so so good to see him. For those not in the know (um pretty much everyone reading, I guess), Heinz was my Uni professor, and I have the biggest amount of respect for him. He once again pleaded with me to come back to the department (I said that it would always be on my mind, but knew that it would be a long long time before I could do that), and then asked me why I didn't just go into teaching. And you know, he's right. Why DON'T I just go into teaching? Well, for one thing, you can't and shouldn't JUST go into teaching. I think to be a teacher, you have to have this thirst for it. I maybe had that at one point, but not now. At least not yet now. But teaching is something I have done, something I can do, and something that, given a proper course in it, I think I could do well. So I guess it's an avenue of thought I have to visit.
I am feeling frustrated with life at the moment, and something needs to change.
But having arrived home, I have found to my total joy that my passion for reading fiction has returned. I've read about four books since coming home, two of them fiction, and I am overjoyed. Right now I'm reading something distinctly trashy and Bridget Jones-eque, but far less annoying. Not exactely brain food, but enjoyable nonetheless. Joe, stop that tutting, you literary snob.
My dream job is still proving elusive, sadly. I was actually offered a job this week, but turned it down. Maybe that constitutes looking the gift horse in the mouth, or cutting off my nose to spite (despite?) my face or something, but it was part-time, didn't sound like a really great job, and wasn't really something I saw myself getting passionate about. So I said no. The hunt continues, with four applications handed in yesterday for various shops in the city centre. Yes shops. Not career jobs, those things take the longest time to apply for that I really need something meantime to give me some money.
I have discovered that the central mosque in Edinburgh serves kick-ass food at lunchtime. I went with friend Alice the other day, and for £4.10, got a massive plate of rice, mild chicken curry, curried vegetables and can of soda. Delicious, and if I was a student, I'd be there every day (it's located right behind George Square, the main Uni campus).
I am going into town with mum and dad tomorrow, for dad is taking us to lunch at my favourite pub, the Bailie. The Bailie is not funky. It is not new. It is not The Place to go. It's dark, with red walls, used to be wonderfully smoky (pre ban era), and a fair lot of over 30s go there. it's in a basement, and in winter, I just love curling up there for an afternoon with friends, to get tipsy and talk about how to save the world. They serve out-of-this-world food, and I can't wait to get some tomorrow.
Yes. In my boredom, all I think about is food. Go on, gimme a job, you know you want to...
My thoughts are still pretty much all over the place. I can't decide whether I want to try to ground myself here for a good while, and allow myself to feel that home IS home again, or if I want to keep imagining myself out of here as soon as possible. There are good and bad things to both. Part of wants nothing more than to get my house back, get a new points card for Canonmills Tesco's, cook for friends, get to liking wine again, and not really looking beyond the cosy confines of the Ed. The other part of me keeps clicking onto friend's blogs in Africa, Canada, the US, Australia and yes of course, Japan, and thinking that THAT out there is where I want to be.
I saw Heinz the other day, and it was so so good to see him. For those not in the know (um pretty much everyone reading, I guess), Heinz was my Uni professor, and I have the biggest amount of respect for him. He once again pleaded with me to come back to the department (I said that it would always be on my mind, but knew that it would be a long long time before I could do that), and then asked me why I didn't just go into teaching. And you know, he's right. Why DON'T I just go into teaching? Well, for one thing, you can't and shouldn't JUST go into teaching. I think to be a teacher, you have to have this thirst for it. I maybe had that at one point, but not now. At least not yet now. But teaching is something I have done, something I can do, and something that, given a proper course in it, I think I could do well. So I guess it's an avenue of thought I have to visit.
I am feeling frustrated with life at the moment, and something needs to change.
Monday, September 25, 2006
On Waste
When reading this, forget things like euthanasia, that's not what I'm talking about.
On Saturday, I met up with an old flat mate of mine that I haven't seen in almost four years. It was great to see him, and hear all his news. He looks happy and healthy and all in all pretty good, so that's great. However, I did hear one sobering piece of news from him that hit home pretty hard.
When we were living together, I got to know some of his friends pretty well. I especially had time for this one guy, let's call him H, who was incredibly friendly, sociable and polite. I found H very easy to talk to, and without getting really close to him, I was always really glad that we were able to be friends. Well, on Saturday, my flate mate had to break it to me that about 18 months ago, H killed himself. He went to the roof of a uni library, floated to the ground, and when he got there, he was dead. I am so so shocked.
Sadly, this is not the first suicide I have had to deal with. Three years ago in January, my uncle hanged himself in his workshop. But when my family broke this news to me on a visit home, shocking as it was, it was easier to handle because they were able to tell me everything I needed to know. With H, it's not like that. My flat mate didn't seem able to talk about it, and I didn't like to further broach a painful subject that he had already dealt with and filed away. Like I say, H and I weren't super close, he was my flate mate's friend. So I somehow didn't feel I had a right to ask as much as I wanted.
When my uncle died, my family were able to relate to me all the sordid details surrounding his death. Horrible as it was, I was able to put the blame somewhere, and try to begin to understand what made him do it (though such questions can never be resolved). With H, there is this big fat "Why?" hanging over it. I can't begin to even speculate how this happy, confidant, wonderful guy went from being so well-adjusted to thinking that the only way things were going to get better was to kill himself. We were never in touch after I left the country, and I wasn't even in touch with the flat mate enough to get to talking about H. So I simply don't know.
What I do know is that I feel angry with him. Suicide is the ultimate in selfishness. I wasn't so close to my uncle. I wasn't close to H. But I can feel nothing but anger and hurt towards them. Until they spoke to every single person in the world that they knew, there was always another way to deal with whatever was going on. Always. I feel sad they are gone. Heartbroken. But also bitter. How dare they take themselves from us like that? Sure, it was their own lives, but what they obviously forgot is that with their life, they touched the lives of others around them. They had no right to decide to sever that in such a way. None.
But what gets me most about all of this is the waste involved. a A total waste of life. This guy, who would have been 23, 24 at the time, and had his whole life ahead of him. He was smart, funny, good-looking, and basically Full of Promise (those who have read Elizabeth Wurtzel's 'Prozac Nation' will get this reference). And now all that potential is gone, just like that. I wonder what he would have gone on to do. Probably he wouldn't have changed the world. Probably he wouldn't have been famous. That stuff doesn't matter. What does matter, is that if he had still been here, he would have still been in touch with people, making them feel good about themselves, making people happy they knew him.
Maybe it was just too much. Maybe he just didn't care anymore. I mean, if he did care, would he have done it?
I'll admit that I am no stranger to harmful thoughts myself. I don't want to go too far into it here, but I've been sad enough to want nothing more than to cause myself actual damage. Something to do with having something physically tangeable and painful to cry over, instead of the stressfulness of what's going on inside your head. But I've never, ever truly wanted to die.
A friend in Japan also recently lost a friend to suicide. I recall her feeling the exact same way I do now. Just totally at a loss as to why someone would do that. I tried to counsel her with the experience of my uncle's death. But then again, I was fortunate enough to know all the details surrounding that. She wasn't, and now neither am I. And it's the saddest, most puzzling and hurtful thing in the world.
This is the most personal thing I have ever written on this blog. I would like to say that I can't imagine any of my closest friends doing that to themselves, but neither would I have said my uncle or H would do it. So you know what? If you ever think about it, don't bother. I won't feel sorry for you. I'll be pissed off with you. Go and find help, for the love of God.
On Saturday, I met up with an old flat mate of mine that I haven't seen in almost four years. It was great to see him, and hear all his news. He looks happy and healthy and all in all pretty good, so that's great. However, I did hear one sobering piece of news from him that hit home pretty hard.
When we were living together, I got to know some of his friends pretty well. I especially had time for this one guy, let's call him H, who was incredibly friendly, sociable and polite. I found H very easy to talk to, and without getting really close to him, I was always really glad that we were able to be friends. Well, on Saturday, my flate mate had to break it to me that about 18 months ago, H killed himself. He went to the roof of a uni library, floated to the ground, and when he got there, he was dead. I am so so shocked.
Sadly, this is not the first suicide I have had to deal with. Three years ago in January, my uncle hanged himself in his workshop. But when my family broke this news to me on a visit home, shocking as it was, it was easier to handle because they were able to tell me everything I needed to know. With H, it's not like that. My flat mate didn't seem able to talk about it, and I didn't like to further broach a painful subject that he had already dealt with and filed away. Like I say, H and I weren't super close, he was my flate mate's friend. So I somehow didn't feel I had a right to ask as much as I wanted.
When my uncle died, my family were able to relate to me all the sordid details surrounding his death. Horrible as it was, I was able to put the blame somewhere, and try to begin to understand what made him do it (though such questions can never be resolved). With H, there is this big fat "Why?" hanging over it. I can't begin to even speculate how this happy, confidant, wonderful guy went from being so well-adjusted to thinking that the only way things were going to get better was to kill himself. We were never in touch after I left the country, and I wasn't even in touch with the flat mate enough to get to talking about H. So I simply don't know.
What I do know is that I feel angry with him. Suicide is the ultimate in selfishness. I wasn't so close to my uncle. I wasn't close to H. But I can feel nothing but anger and hurt towards them. Until they spoke to every single person in the world that they knew, there was always another way to deal with whatever was going on. Always. I feel sad they are gone. Heartbroken. But also bitter. How dare they take themselves from us like that? Sure, it was their own lives, but what they obviously forgot is that with their life, they touched the lives of others around them. They had no right to decide to sever that in such a way. None.
But what gets me most about all of this is the waste involved. a A total waste of life. This guy, who would have been 23, 24 at the time, and had his whole life ahead of him. He was smart, funny, good-looking, and basically Full of Promise (those who have read Elizabeth Wurtzel's 'Prozac Nation' will get this reference). And now all that potential is gone, just like that. I wonder what he would have gone on to do. Probably he wouldn't have changed the world. Probably he wouldn't have been famous. That stuff doesn't matter. What does matter, is that if he had still been here, he would have still been in touch with people, making them feel good about themselves, making people happy they knew him.
Maybe it was just too much. Maybe he just didn't care anymore. I mean, if he did care, would he have done it?
I'll admit that I am no stranger to harmful thoughts myself. I don't want to go too far into it here, but I've been sad enough to want nothing more than to cause myself actual damage. Something to do with having something physically tangeable and painful to cry over, instead of the stressfulness of what's going on inside your head. But I've never, ever truly wanted to die.
A friend in Japan also recently lost a friend to suicide. I recall her feeling the exact same way I do now. Just totally at a loss as to why someone would do that. I tried to counsel her with the experience of my uncle's death. But then again, I was fortunate enough to know all the details surrounding that. She wasn't, and now neither am I. And it's the saddest, most puzzling and hurtful thing in the world.
This is the most personal thing I have ever written on this blog. I would like to say that I can't imagine any of my closest friends doing that to themselves, but neither would I have said my uncle or H would do it. So you know what? If you ever think about it, don't bother. I won't feel sorry for you. I'll be pissed off with you. Go and find help, for the love of God.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Shuffle shuffle
Hello dear readers, it's been a while since my last riveting post, so I thought I should say something.
The world of employment still eludes me. I heard from eca on Saturday that I wasn't even called to interview for the International Student Advisor's job. Curses uttered, imaginative walls kicked, and frowns worn, but I guess it's ok. After years of saying that I didn't believe in fate, I have decided to stop trying to convince everyone I am Neo-esque in my outlook. To a degree, it's all mapped out, I reckon, so I am thinking that that job simply wasn't for me. I am hoping the one at the Japanese Consulate will be. If not... well, others are in the pipeline too.
I met ex-Tokkers JET Rona on Saturday. It was cool to speak to someone who actually knew what I was talking about, but my head felt like it was going to split me in two, so a couple of times I sat in silence, willing the pain to subside so I could gab some more. Twas not to be though. I hobbled home clutching my head, willing it not to fall off. There will be other opportunities to chat uninhibited, I'm sure.
I had a semi-night out with Kirsty, the twins and Kerry on Friday. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I just can't justify a huge night on the town at the moment. The twins are Emma and Susan, friends of Kirsty's from Uni. Kerry is a mate from school. Good fun and good craic. We got a taxi from Kirsty's up town, and I haven't been in such a girly setting for ages and ages. I'd forgeooten how much a group of girls can gas and bitch when they get together!
Speaking of gassing, last Wednesday saw me standing outside that staple of Edinburgh coffee shops, Elephant and Bagels, waiting to meet Rachel. For those not in the know, Rach is one of my two best mates from Uni, and I hadn't seen her since before I left for Japan. We talked and talked and talked nonstop for two hours. Our emails to each other over the years haven't been particularly regular, but we were able to pick off rght where we left off, and I can't tell you how good that was. Now that she's up here for her masters', I am looking forward to lots of hot chocolates, dinners and just chatting sessions.
I am so so bored right now. I promise that my life (and hence my blogs) will get much more interesting once someone deems me respinsible enough to give me a job. Oh, the plans I have!! And I need to post some pictures soon too!
The world of employment still eludes me. I heard from eca on Saturday that I wasn't even called to interview for the International Student Advisor's job. Curses uttered, imaginative walls kicked, and frowns worn, but I guess it's ok. After years of saying that I didn't believe in fate, I have decided to stop trying to convince everyone I am Neo-esque in my outlook. To a degree, it's all mapped out, I reckon, so I am thinking that that job simply wasn't for me. I am hoping the one at the Japanese Consulate will be. If not... well, others are in the pipeline too.
I met ex-Tokkers JET Rona on Saturday. It was cool to speak to someone who actually knew what I was talking about, but my head felt like it was going to split me in two, so a couple of times I sat in silence, willing the pain to subside so I could gab some more. Twas not to be though. I hobbled home clutching my head, willing it not to fall off. There will be other opportunities to chat uninhibited, I'm sure.
I had a semi-night out with Kirsty, the twins and Kerry on Friday. I wish I could have stayed longer, but I just can't justify a huge night on the town at the moment. The twins are Emma and Susan, friends of Kirsty's from Uni. Kerry is a mate from school. Good fun and good craic. We got a taxi from Kirsty's up town, and I haven't been in such a girly setting for ages and ages. I'd forgeooten how much a group of girls can gas and bitch when they get together!
Speaking of gassing, last Wednesday saw me standing outside that staple of Edinburgh coffee shops, Elephant and Bagels, waiting to meet Rachel. For those not in the know, Rach is one of my two best mates from Uni, and I hadn't seen her since before I left for Japan. We talked and talked and talked nonstop for two hours. Our emails to each other over the years haven't been particularly regular, but we were able to pick off rght where we left off, and I can't tell you how good that was. Now that she's up here for her masters', I am looking forward to lots of hot chocolates, dinners and just chatting sessions.
I am so so bored right now. I promise that my life (and hence my blogs) will get much more interesting once someone deems me respinsible enough to give me a job. Oh, the plans I have!! And I need to post some pictures soon too!
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